Act 1 {vimeo}118426496{/vimeo}

Act 2

"To be clear, it is definitely NOT OK to beat any other member of your family, or strangers or any other person or even animal," said Goodell. "But there will NOT be ANY suspensions or penalties levied for beating yourself. We had a lot of questions about that, as it's apparently highly practiced throughout our league. Although some religions, parents and others frown on the practice, it is not illegal in the NFL. You may or may not go blind, but taking that risk is up to the individual."

Goodell hopes the NFL can be a leading example for other sporting leagues and communities in specifying the difference between beating on others and beating on yourself.

"We're proud of our new policy and awareness campaign," added Goodell. "And this is an issue that pertains to women as well as men, as studies show that women are just as likely as men to 'beat themselves,' although the mechanics and terminology often are different."

At a morning news conference at City Hall, Mustbekidding told reporters and members of the public about an "ongoing, long-term parking study that will prove, once and for all, that we actually appear to be doing something about this problem." A hush fell over the expectant gathering. "For the last 22 years, the reputable Durango-based firm Suburban Explorer has sent 387 of their most- trusted agents into Downtown Steamboat Springs every morning in vehicles ranging from Subarus to SUVs to UPS trucks, to study the availability of parking and the effect of double-parking on traffic."

Mustbekidding quieted the loudly laughing audience, then introduced Meg Myday, spokesperson for Suburban Explorer. "What we have found is that it really, really is very hard to find the good parking places, especially with all the local drivers trying to do the same thing," said Myday. "But we will persevere, as long as there is a problem to study, money in the Steamboat Springs budget and fossil fuels to power our study vehicles."

Myday said her agents have also noted that Steamboat Springs seems to have unusually long lines at its drive-up windows, particularly McDonalds and Starbucks, but that a separate and equally expensive study would be needed to study that problem. Mustbekidding thanked the attendees, adjourned the press conference and offered to drive them to their cars.

"Driving in the left lane, and the ability to turn left when the road is at its busiest, are now going to be a feature in Steamboat, instead of standard fare," grinned Councilperson Sammy Bag O'Donuts. "We are always looking for ways to cater to the rich, and flying through construction zones when others have to merge should do that nicely."

This program has raised a number of concerns about legality, safety and how much additional congestion will be created for working peons. One major debate has erupted over how delivery drivers, taxi/shuttle drivers and especially school buses will be able to get riders where they need to go if they can't ever turn left during prime travel times.

"Students on the west side of town will need to be picked up hours before First Tracks Traffic Enforcement begins, and turning left becomes impossible for them," added O'Donuts. "After school, students living on the mountain will have to wait several hours before the buses can bring them home. Rush hour will finally receive the respect it has always deserved." 

Utah has been marketing "The Greatest Snow on Earth®" slogan, a registered trademark, since 1962. And the phrase has been stamped on Utah license plates since 1985.  Regardless of such "minor trademark details," Ski Corp. Senior Vice President of Sales and Marketing Bob Oysterman said that any confusion is absurd: "Everyone knows that Planet Earth is completely different from Earth." 

Steamboat Ski Resort released the following statement: "'The Greatest Snow on Planet Earth®' campaign seeks to differentiate between the two Greatest Snow places in our solar system and promote the fact that there is a distinct alternative to the Greatest Snow on Earth experience. Our intent is to distinguish between Planet Earth and Earth as you would between a town and a city." 

According to Siri L. Sloganstealer, managing director of the Utah Office of Tourism, research has found that nearly half of the country mistakes Utah as home of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, which also sued Utah for stealing its "Greatest Show on Earth" slogan. The circus was contacted, and they are considering a new lawsuit against Steamboat's nearly identical slogan. 

"If any confusion exists, I think it would concern Utah looking like a washed-up, unimportant circus," added Sloganstealer. "But we are here today to let the country know that Salt Lake is Ski City USA with the Greatest Snow on Earth and not the Greatest Show on Earth in a Ski Town. These are major, major differences. So we have just one original question to ask Steamboat: Where's Your Beef?"

In response to Utah's official statement, Steamboat Resort spokesman Billy Child asked, "What's next? Is Park City going to start promoting 'Sparkling Wine Powder'? Utah can suck my snowballs!"

According to a recent survey of 100 bear residents, the bear who broke into a house and sat in the kitchen eating pistachios and wouldn't leave is a leading contender (see "Police Fodder," Monday, July 28, 2014, 10:57 p.m.). One of the bears surveyed, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "I would vote for Pistachio Bear. We need more houses with large bowls of nuts and seeds left on the counters." 

Another frontrunner is Angry Bear, who was recently sighted looking for a friend at a Steamboat Springs hotel (see "Police Fodder," Monday, Aug. 18, 2014, 3:07 a.m.). "I really am a reasonable bear," said Angry Bear, when asked if a run for office was being considered. "If elected, I will propose planting raspberry bushes on the Highway 40 median. And if anyone on Council opposes me, I will eat them."

The bear who garnered the most support in the survey was Poop Bear (see "Police Fodder," Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2014, 10:06 a.m.). Poop Bear attained instant celebrity status when he smeared his own feces on a parked car and wrote in poopive, "Vote for me, and together we'll make the humans dumpster dive for their f@&*!#g dinners!" 

Current Council President Kart Beforehorseski said he would welcome the opportunity of serving alongside a bear. "We must follow the shining example set by the United States Congress, where there are already many snakes and rats serving along with humans."

"Unless you're a hardcore mountain biker, no one in this town has seen any real mud in years, so that term no longer made any sense," said Councilmember Snott Fjord. "But we've all been late for important meetings, become pissed off to no end, and flipped off neighbors in frustration during the months between summer and winter: F@#%ng Construction Season."

According to one anonymous single-mom in the audience, "I understand that we can't do big construction projects during the tourist seasons of summer and winter, but I have to drive my kid back and forth from our home in Whistler Village to school to activities and everything else, while trying to keep my job and not get fired for being late all the time. What can take 10 minutes during a blinding snowstorm now takes 30 minutes in perfect weather. F@#%ng Construction Season."

"F@#%ng Construction Season" officially begins the day after the ski mountain closes and pauses for the summer season between 4^th of July and Labor Day, to continue from then until the opening of the ski season. All previous use of the term "Mud Season," whether in official documents or social discourse, now must be removed and replaced with "F@#%ng Construction Season" as long as the abysmal traffic conditions persist.

Any out-of-town visitor from a major city who happens to be here offseason and can't understand why Steamboat residents bitch and complain about a few extra minutes of driving time should be told to "shut up and go back to where they came from."

After unearthing an ancient doomsday prophecy from the local Milnerans, the last and certainly craziest descendants of the long-lost Mayans, Steamboat's only hope for survival rests in the hands of Colorado Jones, an adventurer and archaeologist who wanted to travel the world and save civilizations, but spent too much time getting high and rarely leaves Routt County.

With the help of his loyal and astonishingly annoying sidekick, Short Brian, Colorado Jones must face certain destruction, a frightening collection of rednecks, the perils of time travel and deadliest of all: a scorned ex-girlfriend.

He'll also encounter a pair of evil geniuses, an even scarier new nemesis, and a man who looks and sounds a little like Hunter S. Thompson. But can he save Steamboat, or will it be the End of the Boat as We Know It?

To find out, you'll have to come to the Steamboat Grand Ballroom on Nov. 20-22, 2014, at 8 p.m., and see Pirate Theatre's next and greatest multimedia performance. Sing along to new songs about the 1980s and Steamboat's rarest species: virgins. They'll also have new VIP wait service*, so you won't even have to get up for drinks.

To purchase tickets, pick them up at All That Jazz, or order them online at www.yourpirate.com or the Pirate Theatre Facebook page. But you better hurry, because if you miss out on this one, you may have to learn Steamboat's fate the hard way.

*Disclaimer: Those with weak bladders sit in the VIP section at their own risk.

Shaking off the debris of crumpled cigarette packs, empty beer cans and half-smoked joints, these seasonal creatures, already clad in winter garb, begin migrating toward Mt. Werner and various restaurants across Steamboat with the hopes of finding a decent job that will afford them a ski pass.

"It's kind of beautiful," says Bob Upendawn, a local curator and advocate for preserving the long heritage of Ski Bums in the Yampa Valley. "Routt County has a unique mix of Ski Bum creatures. We have a lot of East Coast skiers that traveled west in the 1980s: Bostoniana Slackerus­. This species was looking for good snow and a smaller population with less competition for first tracks. Steamboat provided the perfect environment for them to proliferate."

Upendawn explains that a secondary wave of Ski Bum came in the 1990s, a younger, more voracious breed attracted to the valley because of its isolation and physical features. This breed brought with them snowboards and a healthy drinking habit.

"Powderistic Shreddus is relatively harmless," states Upendawn. "Their shaggy appearance and tattoo markings are off-putting, but they do serve a benefit by pollinating the local bars in their nightly trek across town to get wasted."

The third iteration of Ski Bums, however, has Upendawn worried. "With the recent legalization of marijuana, we're seeing a new species of Ski Bum emerge: Stonerifus Stupidicus, which is primarily comprised of Jibbers, but certainly Hipsters and like-minded ilk are part of the breed."

This third breed, according to Upendawn, is invasive and poses a potential threat to the delicate Ski Bum balance in the Yampa Valley. Mainly coming out of the Midwest, this particular strain moved to the valley with the sole intention of getting f'ed-up on marijuana in its various forms - flower, edible and oil. They generally live in packs of five to eight, splitting the cost of housing and supporting their drug habits by working a string of low-end service-industry jobs for no longer than a month at a time or becoming an indebted servant of the ski mountain. Building "nests" within their Honda Accords and Ford Escorts comprised of RMR canisters and ramen-noodle packages, these Ski Bums frequently will camp out for days in ill-placed locations, playing loud Dub-step or alternative-bluegrass music in an attempt to attract more of their kind.

Preventive measures have been implemented by the Steamboat Ski Resort in an attempt to keep Stonerifus Stupidicus at bay, include raising the price of a seasonal ski pass to just under the yearly income of poverty -  $11,000 - and installing a series of overpriced ski-equipment shops around the mountain base in hopes that by looking like Vail, the highly stoned Ski Bums will be deterred.

"We admit that it's not going to keep all of them out," says Don Lyke-Uhipee, director of Ski Security for Mt. Werner. "Some of these Ski-bums are being financed by a trust fund, or they've bought a pass during the summer by beating up old women and stealing their purse money."

Lyke-Uhippe explains that as a secondary tier of security, Steamboat Resort plans on planting decoy traps comprised of a half-bag of marijuana, an i-Pod and a bag of Cheetos at various locations on the mountain in hopes of snaring Stonerifus Stupidicus, removing them from the premises, and returning them to their natural environment: Portland.

Movie star Michael Douglas, 68, who fought through cancer treatments that appear to have been successful, announced that he has "taken a break" from his marriage to Catherine Zeta-Jones, 43, who reportedly has been suffering from mental-health issues.

"It was just time," noted Douglas. "We have been having problems likely caused by my growing chrystal methamphetamine cooking business, and we just couldn't get on the same page. But it's OK, our children are going to spend some time at her brother's while we try and work this out."

Douglas did add that he's excited to be able to finally pour his "full energy" into his high-purity meth empire, which now stretches across all of Southern California and into parts of Nevada and Arizona. He also announced that he'd be partnering with California Pizza Kitchen to help distribute his narcotics.

"There's still a lot of work to be done, both on my marriage and building my customer base," he noted. "But right now my main concern is Catherine's brother, David, who's become a major problem for reasons I can't get into ..."

"Thanks to one sleazy politician, the word wiener has been tarnished to the point that we can't associate with it anymore," said company spokesperson Beau Lonie. "Now all you hear is 'Weiner sucks' or 'that Weiner is disgusting,' and that's not in line with Oscar Mayer products."

To help prevent small children or juvenile men from giggling at every mention of wiener, the hot dog's famous jingle has been changed to incorporate the product's new name:

I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Penis-Shaped Meat
That is what I'd truly like to be
'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer Penis-Shaped Meat
Everyone would be in love with me.

"We feel that Oscar Mayer Penis-Shaped Meat is more dignified than the now-maligned wiener name," added Louie. "We think it's going to help re-establish our brand as being pro-children and not attached to sexuality."

Oscar Mayer Penis-Shaped Meat will continue to be sold by schools, ballparks, street vendors and grocery stores, and the company is encouraging all of its distributors to use the new marketing immediately to "cleanse the stain of the wiener name."

Beleaguered candidate Weiner was reached for comment and responded with incredulity.

"Are you kidding me?" he stated. "That name and slogan got me made fun of for decades. It damned near ruined my childhood. But did I change my name? No. I didn't even change the pronunciation to Whiner. I stuck with being called Weiner my whole life, and now I'm the one ruining the name? That's just great..."

For its part, the Patriots have released a star player, Aaron Hernandez, a former tight end and current murder suspect, and are being evasive about the future of its other star tight end, the often-injured and more-often grabbing headlines for partying shirtless with strippers Rob Gronkowski.

"We've had nothing but trouble lately with tight ends," noted Patriots' coach Bill Belichick. "Sure, they were stars for us on the football field in recent years. But off the field, we obviously can't control them. So it's time to part ways with the whole concept of the tight end here in New England."

Belichick added that to make up for the lost receiving production, supermodel Gisele Bündchen will finally get her wish: fellow model, husband and Patriots' star quarterback Tom Brady will now be throwing as well as catching his own passes.

"We've designed several plays where Tom drops back, heaves the ball up into the air, runs downfield and then catches the ball," said Belichick. "The trick is that the ball has to deflect off of a defensive player first, so Tom's been working on skimming the ball of off defensive linemen's helmets. Like all things Patriots, we expect it to work really, really well."

On its end of the new partnership, Denny's will create a new breakfast platter, The Big End Slam, consisting of eight slices of bacon, three fried eggs and a scoop of ice cream with hot fudge on top. The chain also will continue all of its other practices that help its customers formulate gigantic posteriors.

"It's one of those great win, win partnerships," said Jumbo Cannes, vice president of marketing for Denny's. "The tight end is a rapidly dying breed in America, and we're just here to speed up the process."

"What we've seen from the United States and its National Security Administration in the last few weeks is exactly the kind of thing we've been doing in China for more than 50 years," noted Jinping in a statement from Beijing. "The monitoring of all calls, the Internet surveillance, the persecution of whistleblowers and those who disagree with such practices. There's no way they could model our time-perfected techniques so accurately without directly accessing our computer files. Hack, hack, no take back!"

The charges are a strong role reversal, as the United States has long complained of major hacking schemes coming from mainland China. According to experts in the field, China appears to have hacked into U.S. energy, technology and defense computers and stolen billions of dollars in intellectual property.

But although China would have much to learn in these fields, they are the unquestioned world leader, since the fall of the Soviet Union, in citizen spying, interrogation and imprisonment, so it makes sense to some that the U.S. government would be keen on stealing China's secrets in this arena.

"If I were going to steal secrets on internal spying, China would be the obvious choice," said Byte Mee, the online moniker of a world-renowned computer hacker. "And based on what we've seen from the U.S. surveillance program, all the tell-tale signs of the Chinese model are there. It's circumstantial evidence, but it's a strong case."

U.S. President Barack Obama denied the allegations, but couldn't explain the striking similarities between the two countries programs.

"It's just a coincidence," noted Obama. "Apple and Google both make phones with a lot of similarities, but no one is accusing them of hacking each other. We're just both good at what we do, and we got there through our own hard work. We don't need to steal from the Chinese, unless we can somehow get the recipe for this amazing dish of Kung Pao chicken I had the last time I was in Shanghai. I'd steal that bad boy in a second."

"It blew me away to realize we were so behind the times," said BSA Membership Chairman Craven Morehead. "The bottom line is we've got to stop going down the same old dirt road. If we look beyond our own backyard, maybe we can change our luck and attract new members." To that end, BSA hired corporate makeover consultant Richard Lavender to rebrand the Boy Scouts for the 21st Century.

Lavender addressed a crowd outside a Dairy Queen in Grapevine. "We are going to flip the scouting world back to front, switching everything around. We have already laid the groundwork for our new merit badges: fashion design, wedding planning, interior decorating and basket weaving. These sweeping changes will have a daisy-chain effect, attracting gay scouts from around the world."

"We have also come out with great new ideas for camping trips," added Lavender. "Viewing wildlife like bears and otters in their natural habitat. Roasting corn on the cob by a flaming campfire. I even saved a case of Hostess Twinkies for our first outing."

"But the change I am most excited about is the new Boy Scout uniform!" squealed Lavender. "A sleeveless Armani shirt with contrasting lapels and a wing collar in faded plum with a leather belt/shoulder strap by Coach, accented by a Marc Jacobs kerchief in mustard and silver kerchief clasp by Tiffany. A black satin merit-badge sash by Hermes, Bermuda short shorts by Zara in pumpkin with contrasting cuffs, knee-length socks by United Colors of Benetton in emerald and mid-calf boots by Dolce & Gabanna. To top it off, an Alexander McQueen hat shaped like a miniature camping tent! Imagine that in your closet!"

Some opponents said they would pull out of the new Scouts, leaving some troops and packs without backers. "This whole gay thing is hard to swallow," said Barry McCockiner, a scoutmaster from French Lick, Indiana. "These people just want to ram their deviant lifestyle down our throats. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth."

"My crack legal mind has decipherized that Amendment 64, due to marijuana's federal illegalness and the general hippy nature of it, is 100 percent ... unenforceable," said Bigguns. "I don't need any law degree or judgeship or any form of legal standing whatsoever to tell me that. I can see with my own two eyes that Amendment 64 is just hippy-dippy nonsense, so our Sheriff Department will be ignoring it--like it never existed."

Sheriff Bigguns instructed his staff to stop enforcing Amendment 64, which required them to do nothing about marijuana possession and use. Although normally quite fine with doing nothing while on duty, Sheriff Bigguns couldn't stomach the idea of not arresting people for pulling bong tubes in the comfort of their homes.

"I can only do nothing on the job when it doesn't conflict with my deepest moral values," added Bigguns. "Now, as you may recall, before being elected Sheriff due to my lack of drunk drivingness, I led our crack squadron of drug-abuse investigators: ASSHAT. I can't simply forget all of that hippy-arresting training overnight. Besides, the whole thing is unconstitutional."

When confronted with the fact that Amendment 64 is actually in the Colorado State Constitution, often considered the definition of constitutional, Bigguns noted that it wasn't in "his Constitution."

"That's right, I have my own private Constitution that I defer to on all matters," he noted. "And that Amendment 64 crap ain't in my Constitution, and that's the only one that counts here in Routt County. How you like them apples, hippies?"

"It's a simple, yet awesome, way to make Democrats say things like 'shut up' while Republicans giggle and take the upper hand in the argument," noted Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner. "We simply make a possibly intentional, possibly not, mispronunciation of the word 'Benghazi.' We call it Ben-gay-zee. Get it? Because it's so gay! And we all know that calling something or someone gay is super funny, especially if it's close to the real name. I mean, who doesn't snicker every time someone asks for that muscle cream, Bengay? Hah, did you hear that? Bengay! Ben-gay-zee! Awesome!"

The strategy worked to perfection the first time it was tried out on an unsuspecting Obama. Fox News reporter Major Hackett asked the president if he's ever "Ben-gay-zee." Flustered, the president said, "excuse me?" Barely holding in his laughter, Hackett then repeated, "have you ever Ben-gay-zee?"

A confused president simply answered, "Uh ... I'm not sure," at which point every Republican congressperson and member of the conservative press busted out in laughter, each one rushing up to high-five Hackett.

"Oh yeah!" yelled Boehner from the back of the room. "A Democrat's in charge! There's a whole bunch of Ben-gay-zee going on these last four years! Hah!"

Snap polling has confirmed the effectiveness of this new line of attack. Since the new pronunciation was released, President Obama's approval ratings dipped markedly among those who "hated him since the first day he was born in Kenya" as well as 10-year-old boys. The rest of those polled couldn't believe the question was serious.

"It's just not respectful or fair to the good people of Mexico that drunken fratboys and skanky lushes use our beloved Day of Independence as an excuse to get hammered off their ass," said Enrique Peña Nieto, the current President of Mexico. "We have enough shit to deal with down here, and taking the blame for the drunken antics of white 20-somethings just isn't something we need any more. We realize we can't stop these kids from plowing through Coronas and tequila shots, but we can at least have some standards and requirements that make these gringos reflect, between vomiting sessions, on what it might be like to be Mexican and why this is an important holiday."

The unusual partnership with Ireland came about because the "Emerald Isle" is extraordinarily familiar with white people adopting their holiday to get obnoxiously wasted.

"We've been dealing with this problem over our St. Patrick's Day, Lá Fhéile Pádraig, for what seems like hundred of years," announced Michael Daniel Higgins, the President of Ireland. "All these cracker hoodlums from the States declare Irish heritage for one day a year so they can do Guinness keg stands and Jameson shooters until they're drunk enough to make horrible decisions. And while we agree with our brothers in Mexico that we can't stop the drunken hijacking of our holiday, the Irish can at least take solace in the fact that these debauched lads and ladies slather themselves in Irish green and spend a lot of money on trademarked t-shirts declaring their one-day-a-year allegiance to all things Irish. Mexico doesn't get any of that shite, and it's time for that to end."

Under the treaty, anyone arrested or cited for doing something stupid while obscenely drunk on Cinco de Mayo, such as drunken driving, fighting, shooting guns or just being a general asshole, will receive an extra citation from the joint countries of Mexico and Ireland. If they can't prove they were wearing a "Kiss Me I'm Mexican" t-shirt or displaying some other form of solidarity with Mexico, they will be banned from future Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick Day festivities, spring breaks in Cancun or other Mexican destinations with a high concentration of wet t-shirt contests, and playing golf.

"I see what he's up to," noted Jordan between $50,000 hands of blackjack at the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas. "He finally gets an NBA championship, and he's coming after me. He sees that I'm getting married, upping my ring total to eight, and he's trying to get his up to two to stay competitive. But it ain't happening. I'll get married as many times as it takes. He'll never have more rings than me, no matter what he does."

Asked to clarify his ring total, as Jordan currently owns six NBA championship rings and isn't likely to earn another in this lifetime, Jordan noted that wedding rings count, as they're at least as expensive as winning an NBA title or purchasing an entire NBA team.

"It's not the ring that's expensive, of course," admitted Jordan. "But the wife upkeep and divorce settlement ... NBA titles are way easier. LeBron will learn that, too."

Jordan believes LeBron is likely on his way to a second NBA championship this year, and with him soon getting married, may up his ring total to three under the "Jordan Ring Scoring System," but that will leave him far behind the former Chicago Bulls' guard's total.

"And if LeBron thinks I'll stop at eight, and he can get more rings than me, than he doesn't know anything about Michael Jordan," he added. "I'll do whatever it takes to remind everyone that I'm the greatest there ever was, at everything. And I'm not even going to mention future-wife hotness. Just check out the pictures on TMZ. Jordan wins, again."

"It brought a tear to my eye, I can tell you that," said Josey Gales, an 85-year-old North Routt local and regular patron at Hahn's Peak Cathouse, a domesticated snowmobile outfitter and brothel in the area. "I've heard rumors of this 'lost herd,' but I never thought I'd actually see them. When they were gunning it, easily past 60 miles an hour, and so free and unencumbered of men, it reminded me of how the west used to be, when wild snowmobiles roamed all over these parts."

Gales lamented the lost 'wildness' no longer found in the modern era.

"Why does there have to be so much 'progress'?" added Gales, his eyes misting. "Now there's roads everywhere, and schools and healthcare facilities and such. I remember, in the good old days, there'd be nothing out here except the cold snows and a trusty 370-cc Polaris Colt 150 between your legs. And gas was free, just like our souls.

"Now there's all them tourist homos on their 500-pound behemoths with mirrors and hand warmers. Groomed trails and warming huts. It's sad," added Gales. "Where was I going with this?"

"Don't get me wrong," added Pope Francis. "I will maintain the longstanding official church stance that Jesus was never married to Mary Magdalene nor had any children with her, but I don't think we need to demonize creators of art for having unusual theories. I don't think we should wage war against what some might consider blasphemy. One of the other teams out there does a lot of that, and I don't think it's good for PR."

Pope Francis went on to say that the acting in "The Da Vinci Code" was "first rate," and the plot arc was "riveting at times."

"And although I felt the treatment of albino monks was somewhat derogatory, they're a much smaller demographic than those who watch movies, so I don't want to make a big fuss about it," he added. "The albino monks know I support them, whether they self-flagellate or not. Rock on my pigment-challenged brothers."

The Yong-ho family has provided playdates with leaders of North Korea since 1953, but it has been widely reported that the Supreme Leader, estimated to be 30 years old, now won't play Cowboys and Indians or Kick the Can with 12-year-old Yong-ho anymore. To add further insult to the trashed friendship, Kim Jong-un won't even answer the tin-can phone attached to a string that the young men had used for years to communicate the latest potential game of Connect Four or guess at which of the neighboring girls have "cooties" or not.

"I'm not speaking with him no more," said Jong-un from his throne of platinum and ivory tusks shaped to his likeness. "He was acting all like a big-shot and stuff, telling me how he beat me at jacks, when he knows full well the Supreme Leaders never lose at anything, especially Jacks, which I'm awesome at. He's lucky I don't have him killed or mutilated or make him lie naked on a pile of fire ants, which is what I did to that other neighbor loser who asked me if I took a bath any time in the last decade. I'm done with that punk."

To complete the severing of ties to the former playdate, Kim Jong-un is hosting an official "later, loser" ceremony, complete with a public melting of the matching "bff" necklaces the Supreme Leader had made for the two just last year. It's also expected that the string connecting their two tin-can phones will be cut by a golden, gem-encrusted pair of giant scissors made just for the event, just in case there was any doubt that "the Supreme Leader was really cheesed off."

Should these formalities not convey the proper message of "ticked-offedness," Kim Jong-un has promised to attach Ri Yong-ho to a long-range missile and fire him over to South Korea, which also has "really bummed out" North Korea's dictator and is no longer on speaking terms with the leader, or at least as far as the missile goes before blowing up.

"Screw them both," added Jong-un. "I don't need either of them. I got me my monies and my hoes and my fat crib. They're both just jealous little bi-atches. I'm gonna call my boy Rodman. He's way cooler, and I've got his can digits now."

"I heard from Tommy that Obama did some president stuff and was now coming to take away my snowballs," noted Neighbors. "And Tommy is in fourth grade, so he knows about these things. But I love my snowballs, and I'll never let Obama take away my secondary manendment right to have a huge pile of them and throw them at stuff."

After witnessing Ms. Neighbors compiling hundreds of snowballs in her five-foot-tall snow fort, a neighbor and snowball-control proponent Marty Pooper reported the activity to her parents.

"Why does anyone need to have that many snowballs?" asked Pooper, after returning from a neighborhood party that he apparently wasn't invited to. "Isn't, say, 10 snowballs enough to keep the stray dogs away or have a snowball fight with your friends? I really think her parents are enabling a dangerous situation here."

After a brief discussion with her parents, Ms. Neighbors trotted back out to the Snowmageddon Bunker and began amassing even more snowballs. She noted from her built-in "gunner's roost" that the extra supply was in case Mr. Pooper happened to walk his dog in the vicinity, and that she needed to be ready in case the "gubermint" came over and demand her snowballs.

"They can come over if they want," added young Neighbors about the government. "But they better build a good snow fort, or else it will be raining snowballs on their heads."

She added that it would be very difficult for Obama and government agencies to take her snowballs away, should they try.

"You'll have to pry my snowballs from my cold, numb hands," said Neighbors. "Cuz snow is cold and my gloves are pretty wet, so my hands are freezing right now."

When made aware of the playground rumors and the stockpiling of snowballs taking place in Ms. Neighbors front yard, President Obama delivered an impromptu speech in the Rose Garden.

"I would like to assure Ms. Neighbors and all the other kids out there in snowy climates that the government is not trying to take away your snowballs," noted Obama. "This country was founded on kids having snowball fights, with unlimited access to all the snowy ammunition they would like. My administration will continue that tradition of unfettered access to spheroid lumps of frozen water."

"We've listened to the gun manufacturers, and based on their input, we believe this is the best solution to the terrible problem of not enough armed civilians using guns to take care of disturbances on their own," said Wayne LeWhatever, NRA executive vice president. "We realized that paying for several armed guards in every building across America would be overly expensive, so the portable EAR solved all of those cost issues. Schools and offices only need to pay for several of the breakable-glass-cased EARs upfront, and there no longer are any costs involved after that--except for possibly an annual training class so all of the employees and students can learn how to operate an assault rifle to take down an assailant."

NRA believes that having easy and simple access to a large-magazine-capacity assault rifle is just the remedy for the latest "unfortunate circumstances created by the lack of returnable firepower." Under the plan, a loaded EAR will be placed in a red box with big letters that clearly state: "In Case of Emergency, Break Glass and Use with Care."

"Because the EAR will be safely secured behind a pane of thin, breakable glass, we don't believe it would pose any danger to students or pedestrians walking by," added LeWhatever. "They'd have to hit the glass sort-of hard to break it and then intentionally take the gun out of the case to use it, and we don't see that happening. Besides, those big, sharp axes have been behind breakable glass for years, and I've never heard of one being used to massacre a bunch of people before, so the whole concept is very safe."

When asked why such EARs wouldn't make it easier for a mentally unhinged person to just walk into the building, crack open the glass and take the assault rifle, LeWhatever pointed out that every breaking of EAR glass would signal and loud and unique EAR alarm.

"Everyone would know an EAR was removed," noted LeWhatever. "And since there would be several other EARs in other hallways, responsible citizens, teachers and children would proceed to their closest EAR, break the glass and remove it, and prepare to return fire upon any would-be evil doer. They just need to remember the motto: Grab an EAR, and let 'er rip."

The NRA representative further noted that there wouldn't be any safety mechanisms on any EARs, as those might make it difficult for small children or infirm elderly to operate the powerful assault rifles, defeating the purpose of having them.

"I guarantee that those insane, video-game watchers would think twice before attacking Second-Amendment-loving citizens if they knew those people had easy access to a nearby EAR," added LeWhatever. "By putting a loaded assault rifle in every hallway of every building in the United States, we will truly have a much safer and freer nation. God bless America!"

When NRA's latest proposal reached President Obama, he replied with a terse statement: "That's the craziest f*cking thing I've ever heard."

"I know we just passed this fiscal cliff legislation," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "But the next battle, in just two months, is going to be even nastier, so we need a really dramatic name for it. I'm calling it the 'fiscal f*ck you.'"

Reid explained that he locked in on the new name shortly after U.S. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner recently and publicly instructed Reid to "go f*ck yourself" ... twice to avoid any misinterpretation.

Reid further explained that before Boehner's comments, he considered naming the upcoming battle the "fiscal Armageddon" or "fiscal apocalypse" in honor of the Mayan misunderstanding on December 21, but now he's certain that "fiscal f*ck you" is the right term for what lies ahead.

"The fiscal cliff was just Tiddly Winks compared to the upcoming fight on the debt ceiling, and we almost came to real blows over that," noted Reid. "This fiscal cliff was over billions of dollars. The next one is in the trillions. A fiscal f*ck you, indeed."

When reached for comment about the next legislative battle and what it would be called in the press, Boehner released a brief official statement:

"I have only one thing to say to Harry Reid and the Democrats: f*ck you."

"First of all, I hope I didn't freak anyone out too bad by showing up here and occupying this statue," said Jesus Hank Christ of Bethlehem, Palestine. "But as my big day nears, I couldn't stand by and watch any longer without speaking my mind. So I came down here to Earth to give a 'shout out' to all the television personalities at Fox News. Their annual crusade against those fighting the War on Christmas really symbolizes everything that I stand for, and I wanted that message to get back to them. Wait. I shouldn't use the word crusade. Let's change that to their annual witch hunt. Yes, that's better."

Christ added that he's sorry he hasn't stepped in to stop all the actual wars that have been committed worldwide, some admittedly in his name, but he felt that humans needed to work that out themselves, and that they'd never learn if he just did things for them. But the War on Christmas was the breaking point where Jesus felt compelled to make a public statement.

"You know, I was starting to become OK with people saying 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas,'" noted Christ. "But when I heard that someone in California--or course it was California, amirite?--was calling the evergreen in his living room a 'Holiday Tree' ... that was it. I was hoppin' mad. But just as I was about to take over the airwaves or something like that to speak my peace, there was Fox News, right on cue, calling out those infidels. Wait. I can't use infidels either. How do you people live with all of this PC bullsh#$? Back in my day, we called a spade a spade. Damn, can I even say that?"

Mr. Christ then gave a special thanks to Fox News' Bill O'Reilly, who has made the War on Christmas an annual staple of his television and radio shows.

"Seriously, my halo's off to Mr. O'Reilly," added Christ. "He never lets up. Year after year, he relentlessly heaps criticism on those schools that hold Holiday Pageants without mentioning the 'C word.' He completely broke the spirit of that third-grader in Massachusetts who tried to perform the '12 Days of Happiness.' Really? Twelve Days of Happiness? Come on! How gay is that? Bill really took it to that kid, which was awesome. Thanks, Bill-O. You Rock!"

Following his praise of O'Reilly, Christ concluded that this was all he had to say and promptly turned back into a plastic, inanimate object.
After a few moments of silence, Steve Trebleman, one of the congregation at Holy Name, joked, "I guess we better not change his name to Jesus Holiday, huh?" Before getting in a few laughs, Mr. Trebleman was struck by a rare indoor bolt of lightning and was incinerated. No further jokes were made.

"Although I have respect for what the Mars Rover has done, and it's certainly cool in a 'sciency' kind of way, it just couldn't compete with the God-given talent that Rover displayed for our audience worldwide," said Howie Mandel, a judge initially famous for inflating a plastic glove on his head. "The first time I heard that distinctive bark, perfectly timed to the background music, it was over for me. Rover has what it takes to be a celebrity icon in this country, and some 'whiz-bang' mechanical vacuum cleaner just can't compete with that kind of star power."

NASA scientists were obviously disappointed in the voting results, as they had spent eight years and $2.5 billion on their Rover. Fortunately, being dorky big-brained scientists without much social lives, they were used to rejection from mainstream America.

"It felt like high school all over again," said Eugene Notspread, chief scientist on the project. "Despite the fact that I have three different PhDs, am an actual 'rocket scientist' and built something that now roams a different planet, the 'cool kids' that watch reality TV and text in votes for or against those actually doing somthing still think we're all losers. I guess I'll never understand actual people."

As a reward for its victory, Rover the dog will spend the next year as a highly paid act on the Las Vegas Strip, performing his stirring rendition of the classic refrain twice a night for tourists shelling out $150 or more per ticket. Rover also is guaranteed a lifetime supply of Beggin Strips, which are universally known to fool dogs into believing they're actually bacon, although they aren't bacon. After completion of the year on Vegas, Rover will be "put out to stud," where he will be paid handsomely to impregnate female dogs with hopes that any puppies will inherit the Baha Men-mimicking gene.

"Great," added Notspread. "The stupid dog is going to get laid more often than our entire NASA division. That seems fair. As Yakov Smirnoff would say, 'What a country!'"

"Sure, I promised after the last election that my main priority was making sure Obama was a 'one-term president,'" said Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "And no, that didn't exactly work out. But this time, I'm really, really confident we can keep him from being elected for a third term."

Part of that newfound confidence lies in the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which clearly states that U.S. presidents can only serve two terms in office. And since its passage, no president has tried to question the legitimacy of the Constitution they swore to protect under all costs.

However, former vice presidential candidate, part-time governor and reality TV star Sarah Palin quickly jumped into the fray to voice her concerns.

"Many in our party don't believe that the Kenyan Barack Hussein Obama is a legitimate president, so we don't expect him to honor a Constitution that he clearly doesn't represent or believe in," noted Palin. "So we need to keep vigilant and fight against his upcoming attempts to circumvent the Constitution, which I'm sure will happen as he's been against the Constitution his whole life and illegitimate presidency so far. Americans can't afford 12 years of his socialism and non-traditional-American values. He'll take away your guns and marriages and daughters. And there will be things. So yes and then."

Although not all Republican leaders are willing to claim illegitimacy of the Obama presidency, many others still are leery that Obama will go quietly into retirement after his second term. House Majority Leader John Boehner is one such leader.

"Obama clearly doesn't want to do whatever Republicans such as myself tell him he should do, which sadly happens time and time again," noted Boehner between tears. "I keep explaining how his election reinforces the mandate that the people of the United States have given Republicans, and he just doesn't get it. By voting for a Democrat, the people are clearly saying that 'OK, we're electing you, but only if you do what the other side wants so we can have a bipartisan solution where a Democrat president agrees to Republican ideas and principles.' That's even-steven compromise. But he doesn't get that, so I'm not sure he'll listen to us when we tell him to go away, either."

To respond to those questioning whether Obama will seek to abolish a Constitutional Amendment, Obama called for a private meeting among dozens of senior Republican leaders. According to sources, the President explained his position as follows:

"First I'd like to make it very clear," stated Obama to the nervous gathering, "I absolutely intend to repeal the 22nd Amendment and stay President of the United States for life. I will also repeal the election process, as someday Trump is going to find my real Kenyan birth certificate, and I won't be eligible for a general election, so I'm going to just make myself a permanent dictator of socialist/communistic principles. Now excuse me, as I have to go swear in Jay-Z as the Secretary of Defense."

After walking out of the room for a few seconds, and several Republican leaders were treated for hyperventilation and at least two cases of brain explosion, Obama ran into the room laughing his ass off.

"Oh, I'm just fu#%ing with you people! Gotcha!" he added with a wink as Vice President Joe Biden gave him a high five. "Come on, you people tried everything you could to screw me and keep me from getting re-elected, especially you two, McTurtle and Orange Guy, and it didn't work. So you deserved that one. But if it makes you feel any better, I'm out after this. Two terms is plenty. Have you seen how gray I've gotten lately? I don't need any more of this stuff. But I don't have to face reelection this time, so I'm doing what I want. Deal with that."

Immediately after the meeting, McConnell went on air to state that he had successfully ensured, by his own actions, that Obama would be limited to two terms, and that this time he would not be terribly wrong or wasteful in his obstruction. And Fox News immediately announced that Obama admitted to being a Kenyan Socialist who planned on naming himself dictator for life.

Part of the document reads, "I pledge that under no circumstances will I ever use the word 'rape' in any form, context or situation. I won't even say it amongst close friends, as you never know who has a hidden camera. Any time I even think of the word 'rape' in my head, after signing this document, I will bite one of my fingers so hard that it makes my eyes water and the word disappears from my brain, and all I think about is the harmless, intense pain in my digit."

The pledge was written by Grover Norquist, who is famous for writing the No Tax Pledge which most Republican lawmakers and candidates have signed.

"It's my theory that Republicans simply need a public declaration to keep them from doing something harmful to themselves and our party, marital fidelity excluded, of course, but that's a bipartisan situation," said Norquist. "It worked in the case of the No Tax Pledge, as those who signed wouldn't even raise a tax on a billionaire's third yacht, so we think a public pledge like this should keep them in line and remind them to never say or use, in any way, the 'r' word."

Particularly hurt by the recent rape comments is Senator Mitch McConnell, who was hoping to make enough gains in the Senate to possibly become the Majority Leader. But first Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin declared that there were "legitimate rapes" and that women's body parts can magically shut down rape sperm and not become pregnant from them. Once a shoo-in to win, Akin's numbers have plummeted and he will likely get pummeled in the election. Then Indiana Senate candidate Richard Murdock stated that a pregnancy as a result of rape was a "gift from God," quickly making another near-guaranteed Senate seat a major question mark heading into the election.

"You've got to be fu#&ing kidding me," stated a weary-looking McConnell. "What's wrong with these fu%&ing candidates! I had this thing in the bag, and they're blowing it. It was mine, for fu#&'s sake! I'm using the word fu#& a lot, aren't I? I should stop that. I don't condone fu#&ing and certainly not any between non-consenting anything."

The recent pledge being circulated also suggests that candidates steer clear of similar-sounding words, such as 'drape' or 'grape,' as they may be misconstrued or, worse, accidentally mispronounced as 'rape.' The pledge again suggests that any candidate thinking of such words bite one of their fingers quickly and forcefully. Should anyone question why they are munching vigorously on one of their own fingers, they are instructed to respond that they are merely hungry, and that biting a finger or two is an excellent way to suppress one's appetite.

"I don't care if they bite the damn thing off," added McConnell. "A finger in the mouth is much better than another giant-sized foot in the mouth. We can spin finger biting. Stupid fu#&s."

Among the soda and beer pourers demands was a reinstatement of a group holiday party in December, hosted by each owner and team. Owners are insisting that the once-common practice be dropped to save them five to 10 thousand dollars annually, depending on whether the party was "open bar" or not.

"Holiday parties, like pension plans, are a relic of the past," said NFL owner mouthpiece and league commissioner Roger Greedwell. "Who does that anymore?"

Greedwell admitted that NFL owners are making bajillions of dollars from their teams, but countered that because many sectors of the modern economy are suffering and demanding cutbacks from existing employees, the NFL owners should do the same on principle.

"Our owners need to stand united with the other owners of the world," continued Greedwell. "If other owners are reducing paychecks, cutting healthcare benefits and taking away things like pensions and holiday parties, then we need to do that as well as a sign of solidarity, regardless of whether we can afford it or not."

The union representing the concession workers, Football Universal Concession Citizens Union Servers (FUCCUS), noted that the average hourly wage of its employees is $7.50 an hour, they receive no benefits, and only have a job one day a week for less than half of the year.

"The annual holiday party was the one 'perk' most of these people had," said FUCCUS head William "Tiny" Leverage. "They got to meet a few of the players, get an autograph or two and get thanked for their countless hours of schlepping hot dogs and overpriced drinks to drunk and surly football fans. And now the owners are locking them out so they don't even have that any more. It's criminal."

Greedwell noted that locking out employees is one of the privileges of capitalism, and that the concession workers were lucky to have the jobs that they are now being locked out from.

"Thanking the common workers? Who does that anymore?" added Greedwell. "Thanking cheap labor is also a relic from the past. This isn't IBM from the 1970s. No one gives out gold watches any more. Well, except for the owners giving them to their trophy wives, but that's different. Those trophy wives worked very hard to get the plastic surgery that allowed them to marry a billionaire and get those gold watches. But I do admit that concessionaires have one resemblance to trophy wives: they can be replaced very easily. There are plenty of people waiting to take both of their spots, thus the lockout."

FUCCUS is asking its union members to be patient. They expect that the replacement peanut vendors will suck at the job, just like the replacement refs do, and that unruly fans will demand the NFL owners reinstate them with the holiday party intact.

"What's five grand to these owners?" added Tiny Leverage. "One golf weekend? Maybe 10 minutes at a blackjack table with Michael Jordan? A hooker or two? They're screwing over thousands of people over what they make in the time it took me to say 'hooker or two.'"

However, a sampling of NFL fans indicated that it may be a long waiting game for members of FUCCUS. When asked how replacement concessionaires might affect their NFL experience, one fan, Louie Foamfinger from New Jersey, stated: "Unless they can catch a screen pass and turn it into a 60-yard touchdown, I don't give a flying truck who hands me my beer. Go Giants!"

"Since I have been here last, I still have not developed any constructive policies for America," said Romney. "However, my promise, for the second time, to the people of Craig America, is that I will repeal Obamacare on day one."

Despite the Supreme Court ruling led by Justice John Roberts, Romney went on to say, "Obamacare is just bad law. You can never trust the opinion of someone who went to Harvard."

Although this brought a rousing cheer from his supporters, it was nothing like the response his next announcement garnered. After some folksy patter with the crowd to establish credibility as just another blue-collar denizen of the rural Western Slope, Romney moved past the "local flattery" portion of his visit and added an addendum not previously heard on the tour.

"Although I am on board with the GOP effort to stamp out Socialism, especially when it comes in Obama's African-"American" package, I pledge to provide government-sponsored health care to all frackers," Romney committed." It would be irresponsible to create jobs for communities like Craig America, and then not protect our workers."

Citing the statistic that shows a significant spike in STDs in communities near fracking operations, Romney went on to clarify that the health care coverage would not extend to women in the community who might contract an STD due to the increased risk, declaring, "The United States government will not pay for these women's health care and thereby pay for them to have sex."

After Romney's surprise addition to his speech, raucous jubilee erupted from one sector of his audience. When asked about the near-violent merry-making Romney's statement had produced, one local nursing student commented, "They're not from around here."

However, the group needed to take some baby steps before leaving its beloved home, so it scheduled a one-time performance in Steamboat Springs on Saturday, August 18, at 8 p.m. But in order to get their coddled and insecure prima donna performers out of their comfort zones, the show will be held, for the first time ever, at the outdoor stage in Gondola Square (buy tix here or at All That Jazz in Steamboat).

"It's about damn time those kids got out of my basement and tried to do something with their lives," said Gaia Pirate, the mother whose basement was a comfortable haven to Pirate Theatre for so many years. "Most of them are grown men and women, yet the idea of doing something outside of Steamboat had them pissing in their knickers."

Brian Harvey, head of Pirate Theatre and lead knicker pisser, admitted that this was a big step for the quasi-famous-in-Steamboat group.

"We've gotten comfortable being relatively big fish in this tiny little pond that is Steamboat Springs," said Harvey. "But we woke up one day and said, 'Dammit, let's go be tiny-ass little minnows in a much bigger pond ... and try not to get eaten whole and crapped out the back.' Wait? Why are we doing this?"

Although being in Boulder for four days, surrounded by freaky artists and hippies, is enough to scare any self-respecting Steamboater, Pirate Theatre further turned up the danger level by agreeing to do an outdoor show in a part of the world known for afternoon thunderstorms and audiences prone to be really drunk by 8 p.m. on a Saturday night.

"Performing the show in front of hundreds of strangers in Boulder should be a piece of cake compared to a giant crowd of boozed and surly Steamboaters who expect us to make them laugh every 14 seconds," added Harvey. "And I've already spent all the ticket money from that show on my new moped, which you may have seen me carousing around town on, so if that performance rains out, I'm screwed."

"You did what with the money?" asked Todd Danielson, lead writer for the show who was silently listening, right behind Harvey. "Great. Better bring your parkas then, people, as the show will go on even if there's a monsoon out there. Can I take the moped out for a spin? I'm feeling very European today ..."

The outdoor show is part of the All Arts Festival taking place in Steamboat from Aug. 16-19, 2012, the first time Pirate Theatre has joined the program.

"They say 'All Arts,'" noted Harvey. "So I guess we qualified in some capacity."

The scientists were able to graft Kandy Kush buds, known for their pest resistance and pleasant high without any paranoia, to young lodgepole pine saplings, creating a new tree that's both resistant to pine beetles and "eminently smokeable."

"This is a huge breakthrough," said Forester Jan Twitchy. "As you've seen from our decimated forests, normal lodgepoles were defenseless against the pine beetle. But this "superstrain" of Kandy Kush lodgepoles appears to leave any beetle that attacks it in a lifeless state of catatonia, unable to do anything of consequence. And we were further delighted when one of our interns tried smoking its needles and got really baked."

So in addition to repopulating dying national forests, the U.S. Forest Service is hoping the Kandy Kush lodgepoles will revive the nation's tree-harvesting economy.

"Just think of the economic impact if millions of trees, with billions of tons of biomass, can be sold for $250 an ounce," added Twitchy. "I'm not an economist, but we might be looking at the United States' next great cash crop, if we can get the states to legalize it.

"And heaven forbid we have another big drought and forest-fire season," she added. "But if we do, with these new trees, it could be the biggest impromptu jam-band concert the world has ever seen."

"I'm not sure how much more of this I can take," noted perennial loser Sonia Sotomayor. "Those of us appointed by Democrat presidents just wanted to, for once, get control of the TV and watch Family Guy, but the usual gang of Republican mouthpieces ruled that the Family Guy creators are too liberal and the show promotes too many San Francisco values, whatever that means. Of course, I tried to tell them that Seth MacFarlane created and writes for both shows, but they just laughed and said that was ridiculous. I even opened up the Wikipedia pages to show them, but none of those conservatives will ever touch a computer, except for Roberts, who just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'what can I do?'"

The contentious air increased when the more liberal bloc suggested ordering pizza instead of the always ordered Bar-B-Q.

"Pizza is way too ethnic and Italian for me," said conservative Judge Antonin Scalia, whose father is from Sicily. "Did the Founding Fathers eat pizza? No, they most certainly did not. And I only agree with what I say the Founding Fathers said and did. There will be no pizza in this chamber. And don't even think about ordering something Asian."

Sotomayor and the other "Gang of Four Losers," as they're called by the other five judges, have in recent years become increasingly marginalized in terms of choosing television programming, which radio station to listen to or anything else that requires a group vote.

"They don't even listen to us anymore," said Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the oldest member of the court. "Roberts or Scalia decide something, and the others just raise their hand in agreement. Clarence Thomas hasn't said anything at a meeting besides grunt his support for those guys in decades."

Chief Justice John Roberts disputed the idea that the conservative side of the court always votes as a unified bloc, without even listening to the opposing opinions.

"Just a few weeks ago I joined the 'Four Losers' on a very important decision," noted Roberts. "Scalia wanted to watch Pawn Stars again, but I agreed with Sonia and the rest to watch the season finale of The Bachelorette. I just had to see who Emily was going to choose. Of course, Scalia and Alito haven't talked to me since, which makes me sad."

Upon hearing the news that Chief Justice Roberts broke ranks with his fellow conservatives, and felt sadness, Fox News leaked a report that Roberts may be taking estrogen medication for something they couldn't think of, as that could be the only explanation for having an emotion and/or wanting to watch The Bachelorette.

Kicking off an elaborate press event known as "The Rockcision," the museum, now going by the acronym RARHOFM, announced to interviewer Jim Gray that "I'm taking my talented musicians to South Beach," which is celebrity-speak for "Fu@k You, Cleveland, I'm moving to Miami."

RARHOFM explained that after watching LeBron James bail on Cleveland for a better team and better location, and seeing that within two years he received the championship, recognition and glory that he long sought, but didn't find, in Cleveland, that these were the footsteps the museum needed to follow.

"LeBron was the pioneer," added RARHOFM. "He was Cleveland, more than any other icon, including myself--even more than Drew Carey. And if he could realize that Cleveland was always going to be a city for perpetual losers, and that the only way he'd ever be the best and get the world off of his back was to get the hell away from this black hole of a town, then I knew I could do it, too."

The museum quickly noted that Miami already was a popular tourist destination filled with great music, alcohol and attractive women, staples of the Rock and Roll lifestyle.

"I can go to Miami and have other attractions complement me," noted RARHOFM. "The beautiful beaches can bring in tourists. The fantastic weather is a major draw, and the food is world-renowned for its quality and variety. In Cleveland, I was forced to carry the tourism there all by myself, especially after LeBron left, and it was just too much pressure, and too difficult a task without any real help. I was never going to live up to my full potential as a collection of broken guitars and gay-fabulous outfits in Cleveland, so it was time for me to move on."

According to sources, LeBron James was one of the first to call and congratulate the museum on its relocation out of Cleveland. The same sources say that James offered his backyard in Miami as a temporary housing location, until RARHOFM could find a suitable place of its own.

Understandably, those back in Cleveland reacted violently and angrily, again. Impromptu protests featured hundreds of Clevelanders in really old Craig Ehlo Cavaliers jerseys and Bernie Kosar Browns jerseys building bonfires to immolate official Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum maps, brochures, keychains and novelty mouse pads.

The "hatebration" ended quietly, however, when everyone realized LeBron James and RARHOFM made the correct decisions and were better off in Miami.

"Miami has it all: sun, babes, beaches, babes," said Kyle Yahoga, a lifetime resident of Cleveland known for occasionally accidentally lighting himself on fire. "And their sports teams have won more championships than Cleveland has in the last 80 years, and no one there even gives a crap because they've got much better things to do. Ahhh ... Just kill me now. Seriously. Please?"

"It's something that immediately lets the country know, in specific and concrete terms, where he wants to lead the United States," said Him Messiah, Obama's campaign manager. "He doesn't want to take the country sideways, into France, as his opponents would like you to believe. And he certainly doesn't want to take it 'over yonder,' as that just sounds stupid, like something George W. would've said. He's going to take the country ... That-O-Way."

The new slogan was introduced after the last new slogan, "Forward," was painted by his opponents as a code for "Socialism."

"We're still not sure how the word 'Forward' can be construed as negative," added Messiah, "but if there's one thing Republicans can do, is get a label to stick to something. Ask John Kerry. On the bright side, it seems Romney and the rest are so reflexively for the opposite of whatever Barack supports, I'm pretty sure we got Romney to promise to take the country 'Backward.'"

Shortly after Obama's announcement, in fact, Team Romney announced its new slogan: This-A-Way!

"Not only are we going to stand strongly against taking the country That-O-Way, which would be a monumental disaster," said Fatt Toads, Romney's campaign manager, "but we promise to take the United States in a much better direction: This-A-Way! We're also going to do it in a much stronger and urgent way, as you can see from the exclamation point we added to our slogan. Obama shows no urgency whatsoever in trying to go That-O-Way. Even his font is weaker."

Obama was quick to point out the extreme differences in the two opposing platforms.

"I don't think you'll find a more important and telling contrast in this election," noted Obama. "They want to go This-A-Way, while we want to go That-O-Way. It's a simple choice for America. And, I think, after the American people have looked carefully at both options, they'll choose to go That-O-Way."

Asked to be more specific about where or what That-O-Way is, Obama pointed vaguely in several directions before saying, "That-O-Way."

"I didn't think it would last more than a month," said Betty Againstit, a pessimistic yet realistic mother of one of The Pirate's contributors. "I always thought it was cute that they did shows in Steamboat, and the funny paper they put out was pretty good, but a thingy on the Word While Web? No, I didn't think they had it in them. Most of them aren't that bright..."

Working with a budget the size of most four-year-old's piggy bank, The Pirate Web site has managed to be viewed by more than 3,000 visitors from more than 50 countries. Its collection of satire stories spoofing local and world politics, sports, entertainment and more have been viewed by a wide variety of actual people in addition to search engine bots and third-world hackers.

"We're pretty big in the Ukraine," noted The Pirate's Web master, Al Bino. "That means a bunch of Eastern Euros are trying to hack into a financial account that doesn't exist. But still ...."

Bino also found out, to his surprise, that more than 35,000 pages have been viewed on the site. "Sounds like a lot," he added, "but that's like a day at The Onion."

The Pirate staff still are encouraging its readers to visit its Facebook page and "like it," even if that is the most annoying bit of vocabulary to be added in more than a century. "We're waiting for a 'say it kicks ass' button, but until then, we have to stick with 'like it,'" said Bino.

As of press time, no outsiders have taken The Pirate's challenge to create a sub-Web site to make fun of where they live. Although there were some nibbles, according to Mr. Bino, no one has yet taken the plunge to do to their hometown, for free, what The Pirate crew has been doing to poor little Steamboat Springs for more than a decade. Should anyone want to start their own Local Pirate, for free, they should email thepirate@yourpirate.com.

"We have received a lot of great outside contributions in the last year," noted Bino. "So that was cool. But we're always looking for more. So if you think you're funny, send us an article. If it's good, we'll put it on the Interwebs. Then you can show your friends that at least one person out there, besides yourself, thinks you're hilarious."

Writers at The Pirate expect the next year to be just as fun, but they're going to try some new things, like marketing and promotion and other "lame-ass business things." The staff was pleased to actually have quite a few local advertisers, which is nice, but the next plunge will be beyond the borders of the sleepy mountain town most call home.

"We're going to see if Facebook will advertise on our site," noted Bino. "They could really use some more exposure."

"This is a really big announcement," said CNN newscaster Wolfing Blitzen. "No other presidential candidate in history has officially declared that he would never, ever again intimidate and physically assault one of his inferiors. Truly a groundbreaking moment for Mitt Romney and the Republican Party. Barack Obama is going to have to really think long and hard to see if he can match such a commitment."

But before Blitzen could finish his statement, Libby Mouthpiece, an Obama spokesperson, confirmed that Obama could make the same statement.

"Ummm ... if you're wondering if Obama can commit to not pinning someone down and defacing him, while simultaneously taking away what was left of his emotional manhood ... uh ... yeah, we can commit to that," noted Mouthpiece.

Although Romney did swear to no longer make life miserable for anyone he described as "not as awesome as me. You know, with great, conservative hair and a winning smile. Or piles of money and rich parents providing for a bunch of awesome advantages, like waterskiing all the time," he did leave some disclaimers.

"For starters, I'm not actually admitting I did anything when I was 18. I don't remember doing anything that could be conceived of as unpresidential--ever," stated Romney. "And I mean that. Even if I did something, I have the real ability to instantly flush it out of my memory. Gone. Forever. The only thing I remember about that kid they say I bullied is the girlish hair. But if I did something, could you blame me? His hair hung over one eye! He was obviously either weird, gay, a skateboarder or born too early to be a fan of The Cure, and those are all worthy of being picked on in any schoolyard by any respectable bully. Not that I am or ever was a bully, of course. I'm talking about other bullies. I mean, people who were/are bullies, unlike me."

Romney also noted that he would gladly make exceptions in the "taking away someone's dignity" element of his promise, if it was because that person had to be laid off or demoted to increase a company's profit margins and make more money for the CEO and shareholders.

"I don't care if not having a job hurts his feminine sensibilities," note Romney. "If profit is involved, I'll have no problem whatsoever taking away everything a man, woman or child has. They should've gone to prep school and Harvard Law, so they wouldn't be so darn expendable. Can't they see that if they simply borrowed $100,000 or so from their parents for a good education, like smart people do, they wouldn't be in such predicaments?"

"It's just a natural extension of our product line," says Marie Grace, senior marketing executive for the new Real Girl line of real girls. "Parents who can afford our dolls absolutely adored seeing their children in matching outfits with their playthings. It was unfair to exclude that kind of parent-imposed joy from those who don't have real children of their own. So if you're an upper-middle-class control freak, and want a child to match one of our dolls, we can supply that product to you."

The initial product launch is expected to include best-selling dolls such as McKenna in her tennis outfit, Ruthie in the always-adorable pink-and-black plaid outfit (with matching tea set), Julie in the popular non-edgy skateboarding outfit and Emily in a purple-flower sun dress. The dolls in this line typically start at about $200, with as much as $100 extra for the accessories. The matching children sell for $200,000.

"That may seem like a lot of money, but if you can afford our dolls, it's a small price to pay for a fully authenticated and licensed American Girl girl," added Grace. "In addition to the matching clothes and accessories, each American Girl was selectively chosen to match a specific doll's hair and eye color as well as some of the implied personality in the dolls. Each girl is sent to our American Girl Finishing School, where they learn manners, proper posture and how to accept doing whatever their mother wants them to do. They even perfect the girls' Midwestern or Southern accents. When ready, you won't notice any Eastern European left in their speech patterns."

Although the selling of children normally is frowned upon in American culture, both government agencies and public sentiment seem to approve of American Girl's new product line.

"It's not like any of the girls are being forced into prostitution or being sold to bad homes," noted Starlet O'Hara, who recently purchased a specially made Southern McKenna doll and her matching child, McKenna II. "My husband and I can't have children, and we inherited a large plantation in Georgia. We've been looking into a standard adoption, but we didn't think an Asian would fit in at any of our cocktail parties or poolside barbecues. But these American Girls are just perfect for us. Our little McKenna II matches her doll perfectly! It's like having two dolls in the house! They really make us look wealthy and self-important, and isn't that what children are for?"

And with prices for standard adoptions soaring to about $20,000, adding an extra zero to an American Girl girl is merely the standard upcharge for all of their products.

"It's a simple, but effective, pricing guideline here at American Girl," notes Grace. "If a set of doll earrings normally costs $1, we charge $10. If a doll normally costs $20, we charge $200. So it's natural that we'd charge $200,000 for a child that can normally be picked up in a lesser manner for $20,000. We call it American Girlanomics."

"What we learned from our basketball team is that two years is more than enough to prepare someone to make millions of dollars in the 'real world,'" said University Dean Dean University. "Heck, our most successful former students only needed one year at Kentucky to learn the tools of their trade and make a lot of money in the NBA. So any other student should easily be able to get what they need from Kentucky in two years or less."

Ditching what the university considers "antiquated labels," the common references of freshman, sophomore, junior and senior will be replaced by first-year students being called either "Lottery Picks" or "Borderline First Rounders," depending on their perceived aptitude at whatever they are studying. Any student who actually sees their second year at Kentucky will be called "Needed More Maturity" or "Benchwarming Scrub." It's believed that all "Benchwarming Scrubs" will be required to boost the overall GPA team average of the Lottery Picks, so that all athlete-students maintain their eligibility to win games and then move on to riches and glorious lifestyles.

Although the transition will be seamless for anyone on the Kentucky basketball team, the new degrees and titles will take some getting used to for more-traditional students. For example, Allen Sawchuk, this year a freshman studying for a four-year degree in Accounting, will next year be a "Needed More Maturity" in his two-year degree of "Giving and Receiving Change."

"I guess it will work out in the end," noted Sawchuk, proudly wearing his blue Kentucky basketball championship sweatshirt. "It looks like I only have to take two classes next year: 'Breaking a 50-Dollar Bill' and 'Pennies: Are They Underappreciated?' Then my counselor says I'll be more than ready for a successful, million-dollar-making career with my Kentucky training."

Sawchuk's counselor, Lottery Pick Anthony Davis, the upcoming No. 1 pick in the next NBA draft, noted that he was misheard by his fellow student.

"I said 'I'm' going to make millions of dollars after completing my one year at Kentucky's NBA Finishing School Program," noted Davis. "But maybe I can hire the short, slow-footed and doomed young man to be my official Change Maker for next year, when I'm out and about at all the fancy clubs and stuff. So maybe his future isn't as bleak as it seems. If every Kentucky NBA player, and there soon will be about 30, can just hire a few hundred fellow students to do meaningless odd jobs, this new program will be seen as a major success."

In related news, the University of Kentucky also declared that all sports programs besides basketball will be cancelled forever.

"We just don't have the athletes in the other sports to justify the expenses," noted University. "Our football players can barely catch after two years, with no chance at making millions in the NFL. So what's the point of them even being here, then? I mean, if you can't prepare yourself to be hugely successful in two years, that's your problem, not ours."

After making his announcement before reporters and the entire student body, there was some sense of disappointment and fear from those who will no longer be able to acquire the degrees they had hoped for. But Dean University ended his speech with a rousing, "Go Wildcats!!! Go Blue Nation!!!" The crowd of course cheered back enthusiastically and went home to contemplate what their upcoming degrees in "Big Styrofoam Hand Waving" and "Trying to Get on TV with Ashley Judd" will do for them.
 

According to Hasbeen, its stock surged 125 percent after one of Mitt Romney's key advisors likened his candidate to an Etch-a-Sketch, with the ability to erase and forget any previous position and start over with new ones with a simple upside-down shaking. Surprised and pleased with the ability of its toy to be used as a political prop, the toymaker is introducing additional new versions of older toys that it hopes to connect with each candidate.

For example, the Newt Gingrich Rubik's Cube will feature a very loose inner core, so if you aren't smart enough to actually solve the Cube, but want people to think you're really smart, you can "cheat on it" and easily disassemble the pieces and reassemble them to "solve" the puzzle and try and impress the really unintelligent people who think you're great.

The toy also comes with two free "upgrades," so when the original Cube becomes old, cracked and unattractive, the Newt Gingrich Rubik's Cube can be mailed in for a newer, more-attractive model, and the process can be repeated.

Another upcoming release is the Rick Santorum God Simon. In the original game you have to replay the exact pattern of four blinking colors that the computer first plays, but Bible Simon's panels instead feature colored representations of the New Testament, the Old Testament, the Catholic Pope and the 10 Commandments.

"I fully endorse God Simon," said Santorum in a press conference releasing his new toy, of which his political campaign will receive 10 percent of profits. "Religion is not something you interpret. You do whatever it says, to the letter, without thinking or compromising, and that's what God Simon is all about. If you do exactly what it says, all the time, you win. That's my life philosophy."

However, any woman wanting to purchase a Rick Santorum God Simon must first obtain permission from her husband, or if she's still forsaking God and not married yet, she can get a release from her priest or other approved religious leader. Gays and lesbians, of course, can't purchase the toy.

A fourth candidate toy is in the developmental stage, but Hasbeen executives are unsure if a possible Ron Paul toy has any relevancy whatsoever at this point. If they do proceed with a Ron Paul-affiliated product, some discussed options include a Stick in the Mud or an "Independent" toy that most people remember existing, but had little effect on their lives, like that Rubik's ripoff with colored chain links.

A toy almost certain to come to market soon is the classic Republican Barrel of Monkeys. Each monkey will have the face of one of the Republican candidates, and the winner will change almost weekly, depending on which part of the country the game is being played.

All of the re-released toys will have one thing in common: all taxes collected from the sales of the Republican Candidate line will be given to very wealthy Hasbeen investors or the U.S. military. No taxes will be allowed to be used toward programs for the poor or any other "socialist-style redistribution of wealth."

"We're just fed up to here," said guitarist and lead vocalist Chad Kroeger, motioning his hands up to his eyeballs. "And we believe that when someone says something we feel is false, you have to defend yourself. So that's what we're going to do. It's all aboot setting the record straight, so we're going to do that instead of worrying about any musical records."

According to members of the "Don't Fu&$ with Nickelback Strikeforce," a team of 14 diehard Nickelback fans and band members are sending "necessarily unpleasant" messages back to anyone in the world who types anything negative of Nickelback into the digital universe.

For example, when @MapleMusic tweeted, "If I hear another Nickelback song on Canadian radio, I'm going to renounce my citizenship and become a God-forsaken American. That's how much I hate Nickelback," the band responded with a counter-tweet of "Go suck an egg you traitor. I hope you enjoy Taylor Swift as much as the rest of those inbreds."

According to Web statistics released by Google, the band and its Strikeforce will need to send Internet messages every 0.003 seconds in order to put down all the tweets and Facebook posts that describe the band as "the worst thing that happened to rock and roll since Buddy Holly died." But Nickelback and its team believe it's a war they must wage.

"We've worked incredibly hard to create that soft-rock sound loved by 14-year-old social misfits the world over, and we're not going to let that be undone by millions and millions of haters out there," added Kroeger. "Hate on Nickelback, and suffer the consequences. We'll even make fun of your mother if we have to. That's not very Canadian, I know, but we've been pushed too far."

The popular online music site, which features a sophisticated computer model that matches a listener's "likes" and "preferences" to help find new music that he or she should also like, easily outdistanced "I could just feel it" and "I'm subconsciously trying to piss off my parents" as the leading explanation for why most people joined the LGBT community.

"I was listening to Pandora again, like I usually do," notes Guy Sandwich, just one of the many thousands of listeners who recently realized he was gay. "I've been using it for a long time, and it knows my tastes really well. So I started to become suspicious of my sexual orientation after a Sufjan Stevens song was followed by an Andrew Bird ballad. But when Pandora selected not one, but two, Coldplay songs about 10 minutes apart, and I liked them, I knew for sure that I was gay."

Researchers are finding similar stories worldwide. For example, Ludmilla von Karpetlicker, a housewife from The Hague, The Netherlands, left her husband of 15 years after Pandora repeatedly selected songs by Melissa Etheridge, the Indigo Girls, and Tegan and Sara, among other lesbian musicians that she apparently really liked musically.

Accepting her newfound sexual orientation, Ms. Karpetlicker recently began dating a 19-year-old lesbian she met on the Tegan and Sara Facebook page. The two can regularly be found swapping mpeg music files and awkward, unsure kisses.

However, some recent converts to Pandora-induced homosexuality are having difficulties with the transition from heterosexual life.

"I had no idea I was even gay," notes Sandwich. "I was really into girls, fantasizing about them, watching female porn. But I couldn't continue to ignore what Pandora was telling me. It knows me and my tastes so well, it's scary. So it must have just been my anti-gay prejudices that weren't allowing me to see my true gayness. Pandora set me free ...

"I am having a hard time putting other penises in my mouth," added Sandwich. "But I'm sure it's a taste I'll learn to acquire. Like broccoli. I didn't like that as a kid, but now I think it's a fine vegetable. I bet giving blowjobs is just like that--like eating broccoli.  I'm sure I'll get there."

"Sailing on a beautiful, over-engineered cruise ship is just as safe and bland as a walk through a shopping mall," noted Carrie Beann, spokesperson for The CLAP. "You have a much higher chance of being killed driving to your local, corporate coffee shop. You also would have a better chance of seeing something authentic about the area you are visiting. As long as the captain isn't a drunken weasel of a man, cruise vacations are still the best way to gorge yourself on prime rib and tiramisu buffets in between brief stops at tourist traps from Anchorage to New Zealand."

The CLAP's new ad campaign features several commercials highlighting the safe, slumbering pastimes once synonymous with cruise-line travel, including images of seniors mildly exercising in games of shuffleboard and waterobics. The 90-second spots, which started to air during Super Bowl weekend, also highlight the industry's famed and generic tiny cabins, fruity drinks with umbrellas that get in the way and two-hour "booze cruise" excursions to non-representative island destinations that paid "good money" to get the cruise to visit their mediocre bars and restaurants.

"We're moving away from the recent marketing toward adventure-seekers, whose youth and craving for real experiences was conflicting with the industry's proud heritage of taking passengers near the real world, without actually experiencing any of the hassles and grittiness that show the unpleasant side of peoples' lives who can't afford to ride on cruise ships," added Beann. "We're going back to appealing to a crowd looking for warm weather, watered-down cocktails and a t-shirt saying they were sort of someplace exotic-sounding. And that's what you'll find on cruise ships. They're safe. They float. And you don't have to interact with any poor people if you don't want to."

"Just look at the title of his little speech," noted Charger. "The Union is a divisive term for those of us in the Mighty South. He might as well have called it the 'State of the Northern Aggression.' Those of us in the Confederacy don't recognize this Kenyan socialist and his anti-white stances."

Although the phrase State of the Union was written into Article II of the U.S. Constitution when adopted in 1787, Charger notes that it wasn't called that until Franklin D. Roosevelt used it in 1937.

"Roosevelt was a Democrat, and most likely a Communist," added Charger. "He used the word Union to alienate and degrade fine, white southern gentlemen like myself. And Barack Hussein Obama is carrying on that tradition."

Charger proposed a counter-speech to be prepared each year by a loyalist to the Confederate States of America, which most people outside of the south believe were defeated in the Civil War in 1865. The Senator added that such a speech would balance the "anti-free-market ramblings typical from the Northern states that cling to the Union Blue."

"The South shall rise again someday," he continued. "And when that day comes, ya'll better watch out! We'll repeal everything that happened since 1865, except maybe the George W. years, as he was a good ol' Yale graduate from Massachusetts who lived a few years in Texas."

Snap was asked by Stern how she met Herman Cain, and after her original answer of "while pretending to choke down some Godfather's Pizza" elicited a "false" reading on the lie detector, she admitted that she has been a loyal member of Rove's "Free Jagoff's Society" and was ordered to be Cain's mistress for as long as was necessary.

"Karl and his lieutenants maintain a huge list of potential Republican political candidates," said Snap. "Herman, as one of the few black Republicans in the country, popped up on the Society's radar a long time ago. So Karl sent me in to 'put some dirt on him.' Sure, Karl knew about all the sexual harassment Herman had been up to for a really long time, but after Clinton and what Gingrich seems to be able to get away with, Karl wanted more insurance. I did what I had to do."

A second anonymous source familiar with the Free Jagoff's Society confirmed the general tactics, but couldn't mention specific politicians or potential mistresses.

"There are hundreds of Rove plants out there, sleeping with married politicians in the name of what's best for the Republican Party and Karl Rove's plan for world domination," noted the source, who would only call himself Deep Dork. "And it's up to Karl to decide when they're 'activated,' meaning when they come forth with their affairs--if at all.

"Karl lets some of them get all the way to the House or Senate, maybe even the Presidency, never letting the mistress come forth. Then he can control the politician in office," added Deep Dork. "I don't know for sure, but my guess is that Karl realized Cain could never be controlled, as he's so pathologically narcissistic that he'd never bow to Rove, that Karl activated Ms. Snap before things got too far."

Deep Dork added that, as far as he was aware, George W. Bush did not have a mistress plant, as it was deemed unnecessary.
"Karl knew that with George's mind, all he'd have to do was talk to him, or have Cheney scare him, and Bush would do whatever he wanted. No need to blackmail at all," added Deep Dork.

Additional bits of information about Herman Cain were revealed later in the Stern radio interrogation. Like always, Stern asked if Cain has a big ding dong, to which Snap replied "yes." The flattering truth ended there, however, as the next question asked if Cain was good in bed.

"In case you haven't noticed," said Snap. "Herman Cain is all about Herman Cain. Let's just say that when his needs were met, that was it. It was over, no matter how quickly it went. He doesn't care a flying flip about anyone else, even me. I can't say it was the worst assignment I could've had. He's decent looking and bought me lots of nice things. But I'm glad it's over."

Democrat leaders weren't surprised by the revelations. In fact, most applauded Rove's tactics.

"Karl Rove beat us again," noted former Chairman of the Democratic National Convention Howard Dean. "It was looking like we had the 2012 election sewn up. I mean, Herman Cain was the leading Republican candidate for a while, even after truckloads of sexual harassment allegations and a non-stop amount of crazy talk. Sure, Cain was going to lock up the 1 percent of voters fitting in the black Republican category, but Barack was going to take him to the cleaners ... so to speak.

"Rove knows what he's doing," added Dean. "He somehow won with W. twice, and he averted near disaster with this plant of his. I have to admit, he's good ..."
 

"We were looking for the Higg's boson, the missing link in the so-called Standard Model of physics first put forth by Albert Einstein," noted Guido Tonedefelli, leader of the experiment. "But what we found was so much better if you're a fan of 1990s goofy indie rock. Having studied at The University at Geneva at that time, and danced my cannolis off to Birdhouse In Your Soul many times, it's absolutely thrilling to have confirmed what the Two John's sang about so happily back then."

The discovery has forced the physicists to contemplate other questions first posed by They Might Be Giants in their Flood Album.

"Is he a dot? Is he a speck? When he's underwater, does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead? Nobody knows ... God Particle Man ..." sang Tonedefelli.

The excitement over the startling discovery of God Particle Man was almost immediately tempered, however, as Triangle Man burst into the crowd at CERN and started a fight with God Particle Man. First Triangle Man, who also hates Person Man and is generally known as a bastard SOB, began taunting God Particle Man's size, but then began shoving his renowned nemesis. Things got ugly when Triangle Man ripped off his white tank-top t-shirt and yelled "Come on, Little Man! You want a piece of this?"

Encouraged by the crowd, which had circled around the two song characters and was chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!", God Particle Man begrudgingly took a swing at Triangle Man, but missed. Triangle Man then proceeded to pummel God Particle Man with a series of moves he learned studying Mixed Martial Arts, waiting for just this occasion. 

Tonedeffelli summed up the combat succinctly: "They have a fight. Triangle wins ... Triangle Man."

"America, and I, didn't realize just how hard it would be to change the politics in this great nation," stated Obama. "I tried my ass off--I really did. But we lost that one Senate seat in Massachusetts, and then we lost the House, and I couldn't get crap changed after that. It seems you need a 'super majority' to get anything really done, and I don't know if that will ever be possible. And Republicans are hell-bent on vetoing anything I do now, so I'm going to focus my next four years on things I can definitely change.

"For starters, if re-elected, I'm going to change my facial hair," added Obama. "I'm not great at growing a beard, and I don't want to look like Rutherford Hayes or Benjamin Harrison or any of those other dead presidents who looked like Grizzly Adams, but I think I can pull off a cool goatee. Maybe something like Denzel Washington in Training Day. Now that's some change I can deliver!"

Obama also noted that he would bring further change to the White House by modernizing his wardrobe. The President admitted that his current wardrobe consists of bland suits and common, white-collared shirts.

"I'm going to change that up," promised the President. "I'll start small, maybe with some of those Lee Iacocca shirts with the different-colored collars. But then, once the world gets used to that, I'm going to get some of those fancy suits that the movie stars get from Lloyds of London. That's what a modern President should look like: George Clooney. You want a 'Celebrity President'? Well, I'm going to give you that!"

When asked if these were mere cosmetic changes and of no actual use to the suffering American people, Obama also promised to make more substantial changes to his personality and mind.

"I've learned that the only thing anyone can control is themselves," he noted. "So I'm also going to change my spirituality. The really cool people are into Buddhism, so I'm going to do that. You know, really get to know my spiritual side. Christianity is so dogmatic and structured, so I'm going to change that up as well. I figure if Republicans are seriously considering nominating a Mormon, the more open-minded Democrats can get behind someone who meditates and chants with the Dalai Lama at spiritual retreats. If I can lead with 'change by example,' the American public will follow. We'll all get our Buddha on."

Continuing his theme of "Change I Can Actually Accomplish," Obama promised to redecorate some rooms in the White House. For example, he thought the Lincoln Bedroom is ripe for change. Obama said he'd appoint a "Redecorating Czar" who would be tasked with changing the entire look and feel of some of the "stuffier" rooms in the White House.

"I don't know what we'll come up with, but I've been watching a lot of home-improvement TV lately, since watching the political news channels has become so depressing," stated Obama. "I bet we could bring some real Feng Shui to this place. I'm pretty sure those designers from Trading Spaces are out of work, with a lot of Americans, and they'd jump at the chance for a cool government job with benefits. I've seen what kind of change they can accomplish with just $2,000, so think of what they can do if I up that to $2 million. That's some change I could believe in. And live in."

"If there's one thing we know at ABC," said Aaron B. Cartwright, an executive programmer for ABC, "is that America loves watching shows that show D-list celebrities doing things they're too lazy to do themselves. And if you throw in some flamboyant and obnoxious judges, you've got yourself a goldmine. And that's just what we have with Synchronized Diving with the Stars!"

Cartwright noted that the first season will include such vaguely familiar faces as Keenen Ivory Wayans, the fat guy from Lost, Kirstie Alley and a yet-to-be-named football player who will win. The ensemble cast of ridiculous-sounding judges will include the Chocolate Rain YouTube-sensation guy, someone gay and Smurfette, the first animated judge in reality-television history.

"It's guaranteed to be a smash hit," added Cartwright. "Just wait until you see these stars doing backflips from the 30-meter board. You'll be so glad you never leave your couch! And Smurfette judging! Come on! How Smurferiffic is that?"

In a stunning development, one of the frontrunners to win the Republican Presidential nomination, Mitt "Mittens" Romney, withdrew from the race, admitting that he had too many permanent flaws to win the nomination from hardcore, Tea-Party-crazed Republican primary voters.

"Unfortunately, I'm not a complete moron," said Romney, noting his stubborn adherence to live in a reality-based world. "I can't just say whatever crazy-ass thought pops into my head, and that's currently what it takes to win the Republican nomination. I've tried practicing such techniques in the mirror, saying things like 'Obama is a Kenyan Manchurian Candidate bent on destroying the United States,' but when it comes time to say them during a debate or campaign speech, I just can't get the words out. It's like I have some type of brain disorder that won't allow me to spout wild, dangerous lies. I'm just not cut out for this."

Romney pointed to a particular moment during the last Republican debate when he knew he could no longer compete with his rivals, who are particularly adept at having no moral compass or compunction.

"We were talking about the outstanding service record of a gay man in the military, and whether or not he should be allowed to continue to serve, and someone from the audience shouted, 'kill that homo!'" noted Romney. "And I cringed. Right on camera, in front of everyone. I knew I should've been laughing, like all the rest of my rivals onstage, but I couldn't. Something terrible deep inside me told me that was wrong, and I couldn't control it. I cringed, god save me! And that's when I knew it was over ..."

Romney added that he would spend the next few years in a Republican "Retraining Center," where he would be subjected to daily conditioning to strip him of a conscience and allow him to create stories and facts out of thin air. He also was going to attend as many Climate Change Denying conferences as possible and watch as much televangelism programming as possible, all to prepare him for another run in 2016.

"The upside is that I'm still young," added Romney, noting that his hair is expected to still look "Presidential" in another four years. "I don't have any creeping bald spots, and a little more gray around the ears should make me seem even more distinguished. So, hopefully, you can teach this old dog new tricks, and I can learn to free my mind from the destructiveness of requiring facts. It's going to be a difficult journey, but it's one that I'm looking forward to taking. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with my new mentor, Dick Cheney. My untethering from reality begins today."

Several of Romney's former challengers welcomed the announcement, agreeing that Romney currently isn't cut out to win the Republican nomination.

"I'm happy for him that he's finally seeking help," stated Michele Bachman, a renowned expert in the art of Making Crap Up. "But my first advice for him would be to drop his Mormon religion and adopt Christianity. It's a known fact that Mormons are tightly aligned with Muslim radicals, going all the way back to the Crusades in 1312, where they helped them fight against the Jesus-loving Europeans who were trying to rescue the Holy Grail from Nazi forces. Then he might want to think about removing the chip implanted into his brain by Boston liberals, which forced him to pass Obamacare when he was governor of Massachusetts. But the show must go on, and I'm looking forward to continuing debates with my remaining rivals, like Rick Perry, the known alien from the planet Electrocon."

"If that pompous Brit can make a fortune telling whacked-out kiddie tales, you know I can do that," noted Winfrey. "And I'll do it better, with my own Oprah flair. I'm going to start the series with 'Oprah's Gary Kotter and the Deadly Projects,' which will take place in a mystical land called ChicagWarts, and feature all kinds of enchanted characters and witchery."

Winfrey plans to write the book and movie script at the same time, ensuring that her new franchise is as hastily put together as possible. The movie, when finished, will be exclusively shown on OWN, giving her audience of 456 people some original, non-Oprah-based programming.

According to a leaked copy of the first book's draft, young Gary Kotter, a hip but non-threatening African-American, learns that he is destined to be a voodoo master, just like his father, who was killed by the evil Hag Rowlingmort. Kotter must depend on his two best friends, Ron Ron, a former "spotter" for drug dealers turned good, and Permione, a cute but maturing daughter of a single-mother hairstylist, who may or may not someday become a love interest if the franchise takes off.

"This is going to do for inner-city youth what 'what's her face' did for funny-accented white kids: make a few of them a ton of money," added Winfrey. "Whoever gets to play Gary Kotter is gonna make some serious bank and be able to pick up a ton of girls after he hits puberty. Then I can return to my rightful place as 'Woman of the Year' in all the important magazines, besides O, of course, where I still win every year."

And with owners united in their stance that "no one would really care if we didn't play this year," it seems like an end to the almost-uncovered-by-the-press stalemate will continue into the foreseeable future, possibly repeating the situation that moved hockey into the recesses of the American sports psyche, right next to professional bowling, poker and rodeo.

"There's an NBA lockout?" questioned William H. Spacey, an accountant with Ernst & Young in Philadelphia, who remembers watching a couple of NBA playoff games last year. "Are you sure you're not talking about the NFL? Because that was terrible, but they ended that, and I've been watching every game on my satellite package. Go Eagles!"

In a poll released by NBA owners this week, it was found that 8 out of 10 Americans had no idea the NBA players were locked out, 1 in 10 were aware of the lockout but didn't care until their fantasy football season was over, and the remaining 1 in 10 asked "what's this NBA you speak of?"

Although NBA players are hoping to get a deal done to save the season, the few lockout-aware fans in several NBA cities are hoping the lockout remains throughout the season.

"I hope they never play again," said Mark Reuben, a geophysicist in Dallas. "That way, our Dallas Mavericks are the champions forever, and we don't have to ever give the trophy back. And with the way the Cowboys are playing again, it'll probably be the only championship this city sees for a while. I suppose the Texas Rangers could win, but they're in Arlington, and even those living in Dallas aren't sure if that's our team or Fort Worth's or if it's for the whole state. It doesn't have Dallas in the name, so we're not sure if we could even count it."

Also working against the NBA players is their willingness to play overseas this year, a move that may provide them with their much-needed child-support money and allow them to experience all the hot clubs in Europe, but would certainly further lower the NBA's consciousness in the minds of Americans.

"Kobe might play in Italy?" Spacey also asked when told of the potential contract Kobe Bryant was considering to play overseas. "I didn't even know the Lakers moved there. When did that happen?"

NBA owners are further bracing for an extended lockout, following in the NHL's lead and negotiating a TV contract with the Vs. network, should the major networks, as expected, drop the NBA from its broadcasts following a lockout year.

"Fortunately, we wouldn't be competing with their broadcasts of the Tour de France, which are in the summer, as we know we'd no longer be able to compete with those ratings. Those Europeans in tight shorts bring in a 2.1 rating or so, and that's more than we'd be expecting. But you should be able to find our games on tape-delay, right after the fishing shows in the morning."

"I was just sitting in my cart--you know, one of those little jobbies that us stars like to tool around in--when our liquored up, idiot kicker came barreling into my rear bumper," stated Manning in an official statement read by his lawyer, Slick Backedhair, an injury lawyer for the Indianapolis firm of Ambulance Chasers Incorporated. "And as soon as I got out to look at the damages and get his driver's license, I noticed that my neck started burning in intense pain. I could barely move my head, and then I started to lose feeling in my right arm--my throwing arm. I'm pretty sure I may have suffered some lower back trauma as well. I haven't been the same since."

Only weeks after signing a five-year, $90 million contract in July 2011, Manning was expecting to finish his career as the Colts quarterback, likely breaking most NFL records for his position. Now, according to his attorney, the Colts and fantasy football dorks the world over will likely be without the star product pitchman for the foreseeable future, and possibly into next year's fantasy drafts.

"My stock just tumbled," added Manning when reached by interviewers by phone. "I went from a second-round fantasy draft pick to almost untouchable. Do you know what that does to a guy's ego? I'm getting drafted after losers like Jay Cutler. Hell, even my brother Eli is going before me!"

In the lawsuit, Manning's attorney is seeking $15 million in lost wages for this season as well as the $200 million for lost commercial endorsements and Manning's inability to host Saturday Night Live or visit children's hospitals.

"It's like Peyton has nothing to live for anymore," noted Backedhair. "Sure, he has hundreds of millions in the bank, so this isn't about money. It's about 'quality of life,' and have you tried having a quality life when you can't tie your own shoes or try to casually check out some hottie walking past you? His whole life was taken away by this golf-cart-can't-drive-properly lunatic. It's a sad day for superstar quarterbacks the world over. What's next? Tom Brady having to date mildly beautiful women? We're beyond sad at Ambulance Chasers Incorporated."

Manning's new law firm also is expected to announce a class-action suit on the behalf of fantasy football dorks who drafted Manning this year, who didn't know of this massive whiplash injury until the day the football season started.

"We're just looking out for all the dorks out there who are crushed by this news, and may now have to start Kerry Collins or some guy named Kolb in their upcoming fictional games," added Backedhair. "There are millions of men, most of whom were already socially inept, who now have to endure endless taunting from their peers. It's a real crisis out there."

The class action is expected to total in the hundreds of millions of dollars, with each Manning owner hoping to receive $1.25 after legal fees are taken out of the settlement. Those owners seeking to join the class-action suit are being told to sign up at www.imafantasydorkwhopickedpeytonmanning.com.

"We felt that it was important for all of the politicians to get together for this fun, annual event," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, on the losing Democrat side. "It was more important to us to get on with the game than worry about who won or lost."

"We buried those motherfu$%ers," countered Republican Majority Whip and Team Captain Eric Cantor. "The only thing that matters is the scoreboard, bitches."

The once-whimsical tradition looked like it wasn't going to happen in 2011, as the Republican team swore it would not play an inning unless Democrats changed the rules to meet their demands. The Democrats held strong in opposition, until an hour before the game, at which point they agreed to every single Republican wish.

Among the rules changes accepted by the Democrats:
• Any Democrat who touches a softball with a bat is immediately out.
• Should President Barack Obama enter the batter's box at any time, he will be out, and the Republican side will receive seven runs.
• Any Democrat hit by a softball is immediately out and has to kneel before the other team and exclaim, "I'm a pansy! You are stronger than I am!"
• Each Republican batter gets three outs per inning. Only on the third out is a Republican removed from the field, and then only after scoring the mandatory six runs per Republican player.
• Any ball hit by a Republican past the pitcher is a home run.

After the game, President Obama was asked if he felt the new rules changes were too lopsided.

"I don't think so," noted Obama. "Democrats did what we had to do to get the game back on track. Now no one can say we were the ones who refused to negotiate, and that makes us all feel good, even after a pretty substantial butt-kicking on the softball diamond."

Obama also quickly noted that he was promised the Republicans would consider not holding the fall's Congressional Corn Maze Race hostage with another series of one-sided demands, but nothing was agreed to on paper.

"But I've received many assurances that the next time, us Democrats are going to get what we deserve. They promised me that," added Obama.

"We signed a pledge with the American people that we would accept no bill that included any taxes on the overly burdened, wealthy job creators of this country," said House Majority Whip Eric Cantor. "All of us at breakfast were, of course, wealthy, so we had to ignore that bill, which quite clearly indicated tax on the bottom, right before where you add 3 percent for gratuity. Plus, I only drank water, so I asked that the bills come separately, and the servant forgot to do that, so we walked."

Waffle City is considering whether to press theft charges against the "Breakfast Club," which also included Speaker of the House John Boehner and presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann. Ms. Kratz is also wondering who will pay her back for the $87 tab she was stuck with under Waffle City regulations.

"Do these people realize that a 'bill' is not something you don't pay when it doesn't suit you?" asked Kratz. "I brought them waffles, pancakes, sausage patties, biscuits--you name it. They asked for just about everything, and they got it. And the crazy lady kept sending back her toast, saying it wasn't white enough for her approval. She did that five times! But then they skip out because I have to add tax to the ticket? It's 6.2 percent, and the computer does it automatically. What do they want me to do?"

A representative from Boehner's office responded to Kratz's criticism, saying "the diners only wanted to be presented with a clean bill, which they would have happily approved. But, instead, Demma Kratz inserted a tax on job creators, which no one in the Republican Party will accept in any bill they come across at any time, with no exceptions. Mr. Boehner is a man of principle, and rich, so he will accept no taxes on himself for any reason."

Waffle City has set a deadline, giving the Breakfast Club until August 2nd to pay for their bill. Should the Republicans continue to not pay it, Waffle City Shift Manager Jim Geithner said "a bunch of really bad shit will happen. I can't go into specifics, because they wouldn't understand, but it's going to be some really, really bad shit. They don't want to push this past August 2nd, I promise you. Scary bad shit."

Bachmann, like her other tab stiffers, continues to draw a line in the sand. "Someone has to stand up for the wealthy in this country. And as someone who is wealthy and can stand, I am that person. As Ronald Reagan said in 1776, as he dumped Splenda into the New York Harbor, 'no taxation without The Gipper!"

"Like millions of American homeowners, the United States now owes more money than the country is worth," stated Obama at a ceremony that Republicans again refused to attend. "And like many of those debt-saddled homeowners, the smart move for us at this point is to just walk away."

According to the country's top economists, by declaring international bankruptcy, the United States will default all of its assets to the primary lenders, most of which are foreign countries, private entities and corporations. It's estimated that China will be the majority stakeholder of former U.S. assets such as its highway system, the energy infrastructure and the U.S. military.

"It just makes better sense right now to rent," stated Obama. "Then we won't have to worry about interest rates or amortization. We'll just cut our checks each month to the Chinese or whoever, and we can go about our business. The unpleasant economics and risks will be their problem."

Should the United States pay its rent in a timely fashion and not incur any further hits against its international credit rating, the country will be allowed to purchase assets again in seven years. U.S. economists hope that market values will continue to decline until that time, at which point many bargains should be had.

"If we play our cards right, we should be able to buy back some of our key assets for less than they're currently worth," noted Chief Economist Stanley Morgan. "We might even be able to upgrade some things if the world market really goes into the shitter in the next seven years. That's what we hope happens."

Assets that the country might look to reacquire include The White House, which Obama is hoping the Chinese will repaint and put in some new fixtures. "The place was looking a little dated, anyway," stated the President. The National Park System is another asset the country hopes to buy back in seven years.

The military could be a bit trickier, admit most officials, as foreign investors and corporations are less likely to part with their foreclosed-upon stealth bombers and elite attack squadrons. In the meantime, President Obama believes we can "get by for now" by renting available militaries.

"We heard that several Eastern European countries are willing to rent their armies to us at a significant savings compared to our current soldiers," added Obama. "Some of the air forces might be 'fixer-uppers,' but we're not in a position to be too picky."

"That was a legendary, otherworldly performance," Clinton reportedly told the youngster from Northern Ireland. "You've clearly shown that you are one of the best golfers in history, just like my main man Tiger. So now let's see if you can swing your other club with the big boys, and get down her for the hottest damn sexhibition match you'll ever see."

Both Clinton and Woods offered to send a limousine that would take McElroy, who just set a U.S. Open record by finishing the tournament at 16 under par, to the ultra-high-rollers-only sex party where he would rub elbows, and likely penises, with such world-conquerors as Michael Jordan, Shaq, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, Jay Z and, of course, Clinton and Woods.

"You've seen 'Eyes Wide Shut', right?" asked Woods after McElroy appeared hesitant toward the offer. "Well it's way hotter than that. You can really get your funk on at these things, and only the best in the world get invited. And now you're on the list. Come on... You have no idea what a $5,000-an-hour hooker can do to a man."

As a special bonus, Woods also offered to set up his infamous "Tiger's Den," where he names the high-priced hookers after famous golf courses. Previous sex parties have features such "courses" as Bethpage Black, Torrey Pines and Olympia Fields. "But watch out for 'The Royal and Ancient,'" warned Woods. "I'm not sure you're ready for her."

Clinton was especially excited about the prospect of McElroy joining the sex party, often complaining that they need "some new blood." He also was hoping to have someone there who was whiter than he is naked.

"Everyone knows I'm 'The King' at these parties," noted Clinton. "Even LeBron calls me that. But there aren't a lot of super-pasty white dudes having at these ladies. Most of the other mega-celebs are either tan or black. We could use some Irish Spring at the fiesta. Mix that with his afro, and the hookers are gonna get real confused. I can't wait!"

According to sources, a grinning, trophy-holding McElroy sprinted to the golf course parking lot, searching for a mysterious and expensive-looking limo. However, 22 of his handlers, agents, swing coaches, fellow golfers and the entire executive team of the PGA Tour hogtied him and carried him back to his hotel room, where they locked the doors and windows and placed bodyguards armed with Tasers at every possible escape route.

"No way we're dealing with another sex scandal," said PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem. "We now have our entire credibility and future riding on Rory McElroy. I'm not even going to let him near a Waffle House, in case he makes a move for a waitress there."

Reporters attempted to reach Woods and Clinton for comment later on that night, but repeated cell phone texts were answered with "Sorry, busy boning."

"We experienced some truly unlucky, one-in-a-million-year events in the Gulf Oil Spill, the various mining disasters all over the world, the drinking water contaminated by fracking, and the Japanese nuclear reactor leaks," said Speaker of the House John Boehner, a vocal new supporter of Clean Nitroglycerin. "And although my fellow Republicans and I are certain that events like this will never, ever happen again, we needed to find a new source of energy that didn't have the same negative stigma with the public. That energy source is Clean Nitroglycerin."

Boehner admitted that Clean Nitroglycerin was a relatively new energy option, but that it's recently formed lobbying group, Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promised those who received its large cash payments that the industry has yet to experience any major catastrophes, so it had to be safe.

"You should know that the Nobel Peace Prize guy started one of the first nitroglycerin factories in 1865," noted Hanz Shakin, president of BCNU. "Sure, it killed his younger brother and blew up the factory twice, but that was regular nitroglycerin. We're talking about Clean Nitroglycerin. Just be sure to Google that and not the regular stuff, and you won't find any problems. Did I mention that it treats heart disease, too?"

When asked to explain the difference between regular nitroglycerin and Clean Nitroglycerin, Shakin explained that it was in the refining process. "It's the same process that makes Clean Coal clean," he added. "We just applied the same principles to create Clean Nitroglycerin. It's very complicated--science stuff. And our backers--and much of the American public--just aren't into all of those technicalities. Sometimes you just have to believe in something, right?"

Shakin noted that no factory currently is ready to produce and refine Clean Nitroglycerin, but that with a minor investment from the United States of $3.5 billion, several facilities would be operational within 2-3 years, well after the next election cycle.

"I'm very excited about Clean Nitroglycerin," added Boehner. "The United States could be on the cutting edge of this thing. It's real, not hypothetical like wind or solar power. It exists right now. And we have an almost unlimited supply of nitrogen and ... glycerinates.

"This is an industry that's really ready to 'blow up,'" he continued, "and Republican leadership is getting in at ground zero. This is truly the future for our party and its energy policy."

Citing its effectiveness in the career of former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who spent 10 years shelling out money to keep his affair and love child a secret, blackmailers across the United States have seen their payoffs spike by an average of 30 percent. The amount of people entering the blackmail industry has seen similar increases.

"Blackmail works," said Sheila Payola, president of the National Association of Blackmailers (NAB). "Without blackmail payments, Arnold never would've been governor of the most populous state in the country. No fancy dinners with world leaders. No cutesy commercials on skis. And I can't provide specifics, but it may or may not be true that even his acting career wouldn't have gotten past Terminator without effective blackmail payments. Plus he avoided 10 years' worth of alimony and child-support payments--well, the public kind."

According to the NAB leader, men and women with all sorts of incriminating evidence are stepping up their efforts and demands to elicit steeper fees for their unwelcome knowledge or illegitimate children.

"My phone is simply blowing up," added Payola. "Everyone wants to know what the new going rate is for concealing an affair or not telling where a body is buried. Blackmailing had a bad run there for a while, what with Princess Fergie's disaster and David Letterman sending his blackmailer to jail, but Arnold's success was a 'game changer' for us.

"Blackmail is an incredible growth industry right now," she added. "Like Arnold himself, it's one of the great American success stories. Arnold owes his governorship to blackmail, and now blackmail owes its resurgence to Arnold."

Payola also indicated that Schwarzenegger and NAB are in negotiations for the now divorced and unemployed actor to be the spokesperson for the entire blackmail industry. NAB is test-marketing the catchphrase "I'll be back ... with a briefcase of small, unmarked bills."

"But he's a tough negotiator, so I don't know if we can close the deal," noted Payola. "I guess 10 years of haggling over payments to keep your secret love child under wraps so you could stay married and become governor of California will do that to you. But I think we'll get him signed. After all, he may or may not have other secrets that NAB knows about."

Previously unknown details released by the Pentagon shed further light on the assassination of Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden. Contrary to earlier reports indicating a Rambo-style military incursion, it appears that guile, ego-stroking and Ashton Kutcher led to the successful mission.

Apparently, members of the ultra-special-forces Navy SEAL Team 69 disguised themselves as producers and members of a film crew for the popular local television show, MTV Cribs: Pakistan. Carrying several cameras, lights, cables and microphones to look like a TV crew, Team 69 members knocked on the door of bin Laden's mansion and told him he was chosen to be featured on the program.

"Get the fu&k out!" Bin Laden apparently said with a huge smile. "My pad is gonna be on Cribs? Damn! Come in! Come in! This is soooo cool!"

Bin Laden explained to the film crew/assassination team that his name was "Sammi bin Baden," but that all of his friends called him The Slim Sammi. He then beat boxed and dropped some dope rhymes.

"Will the real Slim Sammi please stand up ... please stand up!" rapped the world's most wanted criminal as he pointed at himself and "stood up" at the appropriate times.

During the phony film session, Bin Laden confirmed that he "had been chillin' at this joint for about five years." When asked what he did for a living, he said he was in "sanitation" as he winked to his chuckling male couriers and sycophants.

The TV crew/assassination team briefly filmed Bin Laden's young wife, whom Bin Laden swore was "Megan Fox hot" under the full-length black burka she was wearing. The soon-to-be-dead international terrorist also showed off his kitchen, which impressively featured both Pepsi and Coke, as well as a nearly complete collection of American Girls dolls and outfits, which he said are very hard to get in Pakistan.

"I got the finest crib in Abottabad. I call it Abbottabad-ass," added Bin Laden moments before his death. "Except maybe the mansion of that Khan Afridi guy up on the hillside. Those cricket stars pull some serious wool in this country. And by wool I mean pussy--not the hair from those animals running around all over the damn place--in case you missed my slang, bro."

According to the report, the whales had been secretly trained for years by the Whale Wars environmentalist group famous for antagonizing Japanese whaling fleets with their tiny boats and patchouli scent. The reporter also concluded that several other environmental groups and mostly likely U.S. President Barack Obama were in on the plot.

"It makes perfect sense," reported Palin. "In one move, the environmental terrorists cripple what was a perfectly safe nuclear energy industry, making it look all dangerous and stuff, and exact revenge on the job-providing, economy-boosting business of whale extraction.

"I haven't connected the dots all the way up yet, but I'm betting the money trail leads to some France-based Solar Energy Cartel and, of course, to the Muslim in Chief," she added. "It's the Gulf Spill all over again, which everyone now knows was caused by enviroterrorists looking to sabotage the oil industry. They'll stop at nothing to promote their agenda."

Upon questioning, the Fox reporter admitted that she couldn't explain how every seismograph worldwide recorded an "earthquake," only suggesting that 20,000 whales "kersploshing" at the same time might trigger such readings.

The report also speculated that liberal Sea World employees from California likely were involved, as they alone have the training to get whales to simultaneously jump like that, probably holding up some giant red ball for them to playfully nudge with their noses.

"We now need to show these enviroterrorists that we won't be scared into moving away from nuclear or oil energy," concluded Palin. "And we need to shut down any attempts to create renewable energy. That's just what they'd want, and we can't let these enviroterrorists win!"

In polling taken 15 minutes after the report was broadcast, 82 percent of Fox News viewers believed the "whale-flop" theory to be the likely cause of the tsunami and related devastation, down slightly from the 89 percent of viewers who believe Saddam Hussein was involved in the 9/11 attacks and the 94 percent who believe Barack Obama is not a legal citizen of the United States.

An international arrest warrant for Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, citing genocide and crimes against humanity among 127 other charges, was declared invalid by the top court in Libya. This marks the 37th such warrant to be dismissed, all citing spelling discrepancies in the name of the charged individual.

The country's top judicial official, listed as Mu'ammar Qaddafi, noted, as he has for each previous warrant, that he didn't know who Muammar Gaddafi is, and there was no such leader of Libya by that name. Previous voided warrants were issued for: Moammar Gadhafi, Muammar Qaddafi, Mu'ammar Al-Qadhafi, Muammar Khaddafi, Muammar Al Gathafi and dozens of additional variations.

"You know," said the aging and insane-looking Judge Qaddafi, "I think I do know a Muammar Gaddafi, but he lives in Benghazi, not Tripoli. Funny old coot. I'm pretty sure he sold kabobs on the corner of 5th and Crazistan. Maybe I'll go arrest him, just to be safe."

Judge Qaddafi then took the latest warrant, wiped his buttocks with it, and then blew his nose vigorously into the paper. When one of his entourage pointed out the judge's strange choice to wipe first and blow second, he was shot in the forehead by Judge Qaddafi, who then ordered the body to be hung from the palace walls of "Our Brother Leader" as an example of what happens to traitors. The judge then put on dark sunglasses and climbed into a solid-gold Maybach Zeppelin that was custom-made for the leader of Libya, with vanity license plates reading "BRTHR LDR."

International courts complained of being hamstrung in their efforts to detain the Libyan dictator by U.S.-forced guidelines forbidding use of the Arabic language in arrest warrants, citing its "scary Muslimness."

"We know exactly how to spell his name in ze Arabic. You can find it on ze Google," noted International Police Captain Jacque Cousteau. "But zose damn Americans insist that we use nothing but 'American.' Zat's not even a language! How can zis be helpful? So we translate, and we fail, and we do it all over again."

When the final buzzer sounded, the atmosphere at the Kansas University College Republican headquarters was beyond exuberant. Dozens of sensibly dressed college students ran around in a delirious craze, screaming with excitement and giving each other high-fives and awkward, poorly timed jumping hugs.

"This is the best day of my life!" screamed Andrew Timmerman, a sophomore financing major at the school. "I can't believe it came down to Kansas, and we did it!!! We freaking did it!!! Yeahhh!!!!"

Popcorn flew in the air, and a ponytailed blonde named Cheryl Swain, a junior pre-law major, shook a can of Diet Sprite really, really hard and opened it, gleefully spraying her fellow republicans with sugar-free "lymon."

"Suck on that, you loser!" bellowed a jubilant Daniel Manning, a meticulously cropped senior accounting major born in Lawrence, Kansas. "You picked Kansas to win it all, and we lost!!! We just got creamed by a crappy little school called VCU!!! Ha! You idiot!!!!"

The unexpected celebration lasted for another 10 minutes after their school's basketball team, a No. 1 seed in the 2011 March Madness college basketball tournament and the choice of U.S. President Barack Obama to win it all, was humiliatingly defeated by 11th-seeded Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU).

Obama was doing well with his 2011 NCAA tournament bracket, at one point placing in the top 1 percent of all entries sent into ESPN. But after correctly selecting North Carolina to win two years ago, Obama faltered the last two years, both times predicting Kansas to win.

"I can't believe we blew it again! This is so awesome!!!" added Swain.

The College Republicans then began an "Obama Sucks! Kansas Lost!" chant that was vigorously joined by the entire contingent, several of whom were carrying signs with the "Obama Joker face" with "Lose! Kansas! Lose!" written on them. The mob began to leave its headquarters, the AV room at Grace Pearson Hall, and head for the streets of Lawrence to celebrate with their fellow students.

However, the situation was controlled when Kansas College Republican President C.T. Partee reminded his fellow Kansas students of the ass whipping they received last year from the football team, which apparently didn't realize how much more important it was that Obama not win at anything.

The embattled CEO, who only took charge of the automotive giant in June 2009, quickly donned a pair of oversized, overmagnified dark-rimmed glasses and belted out a particularly horrible version of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."

"Buy me some peanut and a crak-a-jack," he sort-of sang between taking fake swigs from a jumbo-sized empty canteen. "I do no care if I neva get back!"

Toyoda was repeatedly questioned on how acting like the deceased and revered sports broadcaster would help the automaker restore it's tarnished image, Toyoda repeatedly replied with a slurred, "Cubs Win! Cubs Win! I'm-a Harry Caray! Cubs Win!"

When informed that the actual ritual for saving face in Japan is hari kari, which entails disemboweling oneself quietly before someone chops your head off with a Samurai sword, Toyoda said, "Seriousry? That freakin' nuts!"

"Why would I do dat?" he asked. "I have rich monies and powah, and this bro over soon. Akio be back to snorting cocaine off-a hooker hooters in Macau in no time. Dishembowah? Good one!

"Or as Harry Caray say, 'Get outta here!'" he added in what is truly a terrible impersonation.

After defeating the Indianapolis Colts 31-17 in Super Bowl XLIV, the New Orleans Saints and their energized fan base took to the streets of their beleaguered city for some well-deserved celebrations.

But after the team's victory parade, when they showed off their new trophy to their adoring fans, team ownership and management had some cautious words for their fans.

"Please, please don't become so obnoxious with our success that the rest of the country learns to hate us," warned team owner Tom Benson. "You may not remember this, but it wasn't that long ago that the country was really happy for the out-of-nowhere Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. We were all relieved when the Red Sox ended the Curse of the Bambino and won the World Series.

"But their fans reacted to success to poorly, they're all know as Massholes now," he noted. "Don't let that happen to us. Don't become Louisiassholes."

Head coach Sean Payton then assured the crowd that star quarterback Drew Brees was prohibited from appearing in more than one commercial at a time, and under no circumstances would they involve any type of cookie or Donald Trump. He also insisted that supermodels be forbidden from training camp, and Terrell Owens would be given a restraining order from even mentioning playing for the Saints.

"So just use some restraint out there," added Payton. "If two knuckleheads are arguing whether Brady or Manning is the best quarterback, don't scream 'Brees would kick both of their asses' or 'who won the Super Bowl, bitch?!' Drew knows he won. You know he's good. So just say 'Both Brady and Manning are excellent. Good luck next year.'"

"Remember," added New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, "the country felt sorry for us and was happy we won. But as crazy as this sounds, they think we're even now for Hurricane Katrina. They figure one big football game evens out the karma of all the death and destruction and misery of that disaster.

"We act like Colts or Cowboys or Pats fans, and they'll hate us too. It's just how it is," he concluded.

Naturally, 95 percent of the fans in attendance immediately proceeded to yell obscenities at the mere mention of the other sports teams, as a chant of "Saints Rule! Manning Sucks!" erupted across the city.

"I'm doing today what's in the best interest of Fox News, and that's to resign from my position with them, so that I can work for them in other areas where I'm not bogged down by working for them," said Palin, who made sure to not look at her hand nor any perceived teleprompter at any time.

"When I pursued and accepted my job with Fox News, I always promised I would work diligently for them," she continued while winking and still making sure to not look at her hand. "So now the best way I can do that is to not work for them."

When confronted by confused reporters asking how not working for someone is the best way to work for them, Palin chastised them in a folksy manner.

"Only fish sticks swim onto a bun," she began. "Sometimes you can't have your moose jerky and still be a lumberjack. That pretty much says it all, don't it?"

A Fox News representative confirmed that Palin was stepping down from her analyst position with the network. She had signed a four-year deal with the television news company, but she quit after only three months into the arrangement. According to sources, Palin received much of her hefty salary up front, which she planned on keeping. Fox News was unsure at this point if they were going to try to recoup that money.

"We're pretty much screwed," said a Fox News executive under sworn anonymity. "Our audience loves her no matter what she does, so we can't sue her for that money. We'll probably just have to write it off and hope she'll continue to make guest appearances, which I'm sure we'll have to pay her for. In hindsight, the upfront bonus money was pretty stupid on our part."

When asked what she would be doing next, Palin hinted that reality television might be her next stop.

"I'm looking into a few things," she said, still really, really careful to not look at her hand. "I heard you get paid a lot to dance with the stars, so I might do that. And I bet that Trump guy pays good money for his little show, so I'm interested there. And then, of course, I might run for president, too.

"But wherever I end up working, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll work as hard as I can for whatever that is, even if that again means I have to stop working for them. You know, I'm just all about doing what's best for other people. I'm a public servant, and a private servant, and just a servant of all things public and private ..." Palin continued on for another five minutes, but it was too convoluted for the press pool to follow.

"So thank you all for being here, and especially Fox News for giving me this opportunity to work for them by not working for them," she added. "Now excuse me, but I have to get back on my jet to finish my bus tour."

Legendary condom manufacturer Trojan has signed Tiger to a seven year, fifty million condom endorsement contract.  Trojan director of marketing Willie Raincoat says that Tiger is a "perfect fit for our product.  We are going to feature a new line of sized condoms, the one, two, and three Woods.  Tiger's face will appear on all of our products and packaging, and we will tee off our campaign with full page ads in Hustler and Playboy magazines."

Also trying to cash in on Woods admission as a sex addict are several pharmaceutical companies planning to market patches to curb the sex drive.  There will be sex patches for men and women, and they will be worn, well, we bet you can guess where they will be worn.  Woods is about to sign a deal with a new golf ball manufacturer, Cojones.  Their ad campaign will feature the slogan, "You gotta have Cojones to be a player like Tiger!"  Snack food giant Frito Lay is going to introduce a new cheese crisp product, which will be shaped like little putters and sold under the brand name "CHEATOS."

All of those obnoxious fans who would shout, "Get in the hole!" when Tiger putted are looking pretty prophetic now.  Tiger may be taking  an unspecified break from the PGA Tour, but not from raking in obscene amounts of endorsement money.

"We're very disappointed with ourselves right now," admitted Daisuke Itdontworka, Toyota's lead engineer. "We've tried slamming it shut, wiggling the latch, pressing the trunk button several times ... nothing works."

To resolve the matter, Itdontworka said Toyota will provide two bungee chords with the sale of each Camry as well as an instruction manual on how to secure the trunk with the chords.

"We've worked very hard to fix this trunk problem, without actually fixing it," he explained. "Rigged properly, there shouldn't be more than a two-inch gap in the trunk, and there should be only minimal banging noises."

Toyota also is planning to market their new "adjustable trunks" as a desirable feature.

"Other cars come with a fixed-sized trunk," noted Itdontworka. "But Toyota trunks, with the innovative bungee technology, can be adjusted for larger than capacity loads. That's real innovation. That's Toyota engineering."

"Basically, I just said 'told you so. The job sucks, don't it?'" said the 42nd U.S. President.

Bush then revealed what he wrote in his famous note addressed to "43," which he left on the desk of the Oval Office for Obama.

"I just laid it all out there," he explained. "I said 'I hate to tell you this, but this job you just won sucks. It may seem cool right now, 'cus you just got the keys to the nukular weapons and now you know where the UFOs are, but you're gonna hate this job, and it's gonna happen faster than you'd ever imagine.'"

Bush said the he wanted to say something to both John McCain and Obama before the election, but was afraid that then either Joe Biden or Sarah Palin might have to be president. "Even I'm smart enough to know that those two would really screw things up," he noted.

But Bush said he wanted Obama to know the truth as soon as he could, something he wished Bill Clinton had done for him.

"Clinton of all people had to know how much it sucked. All the silly press questions, and a good chunk of people really, really hatin' you, and all the pressures ... I was pissed for years that he never told me none of that," said Bush.

The ex-President also warned Obama against the urge to run for re-election, even though he'd know for sure that being president totally sucks.

"I advised him to make sure the other possible candidates aren't complete loons, like Palin or that shrimpy Kississovich guy, and then get the hell out," he added. "You'll still get a library and the other cool perks after one term, and you can get back to traveling and fine dining and all the good stuff without nearly so much of the bad crap."

When Water asked how Obama replied to Bush's "I told you so," Bush said Obama laughed and said "you're right, 42, you're right. But what am I supposed to do now?"

"So I said, 'you're screwed! You can't give us President Biden, so grin and bear it, and I'll make you a tee time for three years from now.'"

"Did he accept the invitation," asked Water.

"He said he'd think about it," answered Bush. "But I know how it works, believe me. Even if you're not misguidedly trying to prove something to your old man, those little birdies on his shoulder will chirp away, telling him how it's about to turn the corner and get so much better. But that's bullshit. Second term sucks just as bad as the first."

In a written statement, Winfrey acknowledges that she had mixed feeling abo*ut the lawsuit.

"Barack is my guy, and I'm suppo*rting him co*mpletely in his bid fo*r the White House. I can't stress that eno*ugh. Ho*wever, I felt that it was just as impo*rtant to* pro*tect my business and the vario*us elements o*f my empire. And the mo*st impo*rtant element is the letter 'O*.'

"I was ho*ping to* no*t have to* seek legal action, but when I saw his o*wn 'O*' lo*go*, I knew I had to* act, just as I have with every previous case o*f trademark infringement," she added.

Winfrey's legal team, kno*wn to* be the seco*nd-mo*st extensive and well-paid in the entire wo*rld, behind o*nly the U.S. go*vernment since Dick Cheney arrived, has already successfully sued several so*up and cereal manufacturers fo*r their unsanctio*ned use o*f the letter "O*." She also* wo*n cases against the wo*rd o*rgasm and retired basketball player O*scar Ro*bertso*n, who* bo*th used to* be kno*wn as "The Big O*."

"I have no* idea ho*w she did it," said Ro*bertso*n in an earlier statement. "I was The Big - damn I can't even say it no*w because o*f the injunction - befo*re anyo*ne had ever heard o*f O*prah. But her team o*f lawyers had everything so* bambo*o*zled that the next thing I kno*w, I'm no*w The Big R. That's messed up.

"But when I tried to* resist," co*ntinued Ro*bertso*n, "bad things started happening. My bank acco*unts fro*ze up. My friends and o*ld teammates sto*pped talking to* me ... And when I agreed to* the deal, everything went back to* no*rmal. That's o*ne po*werful woman, that O*."

Acco*rding to* spo*kespeo*ple for O*bama, they're mo*ving no*w to remo*ve all uses o*f their "O*" lo*go*, and they'll go* back to* the previo*us marketing to*o*ls that simply said Barack O*bama in a mo*re traditio*nal manner.

"We mo*ved as quickly as we co*uld," said Eileen Left, one of O*bama's handlers. "We even o*ffered to* change o*ur candidates name to Barack Bama if that wo*uld please Ms. Winfrey, but she said that wo*uldn't be necessary. There was no* way we were go*ing to* challenge her this clo*se to* the election. She can make vo*tes disappear. She can have the 'O*.'"

* The letter O is an exclusive trademark of Oprah Winfrey Industries.

"Fellow Americans, I know that it has appeared that my campaign has gone a little wacky lately," said McCain from one of his mansions in Arizona. "I've been throwing out gimmicks and 'game changers' and bizarre running-mate picks. And I've been saying just about anything that might win me some points with the ill-informed voters, regardless of truth or honesty.

"But now I'm suspending my campaign of all lies and distractions, my friends, and I'm going to deliver some honest truth: I'm not a very bright man ... I was nearly last in my class at the academy ... And I don't really care that I don't know much about the modern world ... And don't get me started on Sarah Palin--we all know what an airhead she is," he continued.

"But the thing is--most of you, my friends, aren't smart either. And that's why you should vote for me. Because I'm more like you. And by putting me in the White House, you can have your one chance to say to your oppressors who have been keeping you down, 'Ha! Take that all you smarty pants! John McCain's stupid, just like me, and he became President of the United States of 'Merica!!! So maybe I can, too, someday!!!'"

A stunned press corp sat in silence for three minutes, and then began questioning if McCain really was going to run on a campaign platform of "I'm Not Smart ... Just Like You."

"Absolutely! Look, you're in the press, so you can't be smart, right?" noted McCain. "Aren't you ticked off that all the smart people have better jobs? And I bet your boss is smart. Don't you want to get back at him? Or those snooty college professors trying to tell you what to think all the time? You really want someone like that, like Barack Obama, who's smart? I say it's enough of the smart people ruling us. It's time for the dumb people to take over! And that's why you should vote for McCain/Palin!!!"

A reporter then noted that this appeared to be the same tactics used by George W. Bush to win two elections, by appearing "folksy" and as "someone you'd want to drink a beer with." The reporter then noted that almost 80 percent of the country now realizes that such criteria perhaps weren't very good for choosing a president.

"That's nonsense," argued McCain. "I'm nothing like President Bush. Sure, neither of us are remotely inquisitive or thoughtful, and we both achieved wealth and fame through birth or second marriage and not on our own merits ... But he uses that hillbilly accent to sound unintelligent. It's much more difficult to convey simplemindedness when you have to do it based on your answers and judgement alone."

Then McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin, took the podium to answer questions.

"You want me to provide examples of me not having any intelligence? Now that's a good question. Wait, what's the question again? Does this have to do with Russia? Because I live right next to Russia. I guess I'll just have to get back to you with some of those answer things ... But don't forget: We're Just Like You!!!"

Lynn is only in his first year as a team member, and a lot of the kids don't really know him or his mother. The choice to be the "second in command" of concessions was greeted by sneers and cheers when announced between the first and second period of the recent pre-season match-up against the Vail Vomits.

One of the players, longtime defenseman Otto Corners, was furious. "My mom has been to every game, believes in hockey and knows her Skittles from her Reese's Pieces," he fumed. "He just picked her because she's relatively hot--for an old mom-type lady."

Kane strongly defended his choice. "When you get to know Paul Lynn's mother, you will be impressed. She was an assistant fundraiser for her son's team in Hawaii last year, and they raised over $315 for pucks. She's a real tough cookie. She will clean up the stand, and I think having an outsider is just what we need right now. "

Paul Lynn's mother wouldn't comment on the situation, saying only that she refuses to speak to anyone with a media filter. Her son meanwhile was trying to deflect all the attention he was getting. "It's hard. I'm simply trying to play hockey, and the players keep asking me if she's going to put pineapples in the walking tacos."

"I want to see what she says when I ask for change for a hundred," noted Francine Sitter, whose son plays offense and defense for the team. "Because sometimes we all need change, and I want to know how she would provide change. Would it be with five $20 bills or a whole lot of singles? What's her policy on change?"

Other team members could not remember a more controversial choice since former club President Herbert Push chose a dad named Dan Partridge to run the stand. Few could forget the trouble he ran into when he tried to introduce potatoes to the menu and, instead, tragically fried tomatoes.

"S.T.M.C. has long been a leader in cutting edge surgical procedures.  Today, we are pleased to announce the successful completion of the world's first hipness replacement.  Now, for the first time, aging ski bums who have settled into a somewhat humdrum existence as teachers, lawyers and real estate brokers can restore the spark of days gone by with this simple yet complex operation.  Now, I'd like to introduce the chief surgeon on our hipness replacement team, Dr. Ken U. Diggitt.  Dr. Diggett."  "Thank you, Pristine.  At this time, we'd like to open up the floor for questions.  Yes, the gentleman with the tacky combover."

Question: What can you tell us about this first hipness replacement patient?

Dr. Ken U. Diggitt: Well, the patient is male, mid-fifties, who came to town thirty years ago to ski.  He worked in restaurants and as a ski rental tech and went out to the bars 365 nights a year.  At first his hipness loss was gradual, but then, one day, he looked at himself in the mirror in his Dockers chinos and L. L. Bean button down shirt and he realized he had suffered significant hipness loss.  Yes, the very tall woman in the back.

Question: Would you explain the procedure in language the idiots who read this paper may understand?

Dr. Ken U. Diggitt: The treatment ranges from non-invasive day surgery all the way up to brain surgery via colonoscopy, depending on the case.  We might implant a chip loaded with Quincy Jones tracks or we might remove part of the memory center containing old J. Crew catalogs, stale pickup lines and Hootie and the Blowfish lyrics.  Yes, you, the man...no, the woman...um, whatever you are with the nosering the size of a Dunkin' Donut.

Question: There's a rumor that the Director of Skiing, Billy Kidd, has inquired about the procedure.  Can you comment on that?

Dr. Ken U. Diggitt: Yes, Billy Kidd has approached us.  But, sadly, Mr. Kidd is suffering from an inoperable absence of hipness.  Thank you for your questions.  Here is Pristine to wrap things up.

"Thank you, Dr. Diggitt.  This is going to be a much hipper ski town, thanks to you."

Be sure to check this column next week when we will discuss the treatment of ingrown laugh lines.  

"My rivals are just trying to play off of people's fears and introlerances," noted McCain at a fundraiser held at O'Toole's Tavern in Skokie, Ill. "This is nothing but indirect racism, and I won't stand for it. I've said it a thousand times: I'm not Irish."

While sipping on a coffee with a little Jameson whiskey and Bailey's cream added in for good measure, McCain added that because he has an Irish-sounding name, he's constantly taking "cheap shots" that he is, somehow, actually Irish.

"This is nonsense," he continued. "My American heritage is as clean as a whistle, like a spring. And anyone who says differently can kiss my blarney stone!"

When asked why someone would hint that he might be Irish, McCain explained that it all goes back to terrorism.

"They're trying to paint me as some IRA terrorist--that I'm going to try and bomb the British or something like that," added McCain while shooting darts and eating Shephard's Pie. "They want you to believe that once elected as president, I'd get drunk and swear allegiance to St. Patrick or something.

"It's ridiculous," said McCain defiantly while watching the Boston Celtics on TV. "If I say I'm not Irish, that should be the end of it. But if one more person suggests that I'm Irish, I'm going to challenge that person to a fight in the back parking lot. And I'll kick their arse!"

"I had my ski boots on. I had my protective helmet on. I was even wearing long underwear, although that day wasn't very cold, just in case the weather changed," she noted. "I was out there, waiting for the gondola, while my fellow candidates were sitting at home, playing video games. They weren't ready on day one, but I was, so you should vote for me."

Several students who are running against Clinton noted, however, that the ski season was delayed last year, so that she was just standing in line by herself, like a big idiot.

"I think that says a lot about Billary's judgment," noted Batalk Oblahblah, one of Billary's classmates who also is running for class president. "I believe it's more important to be right about ski season on day one, which was actually more than a week later, when I was there for Scholarship Day like everyone else."

Although Clinton admitted that it was a decision she'd like to take back, due to the long hours spent alone in the cold waiting for the gondola to start running, she still feels that it was her "readiness for the situation" that is most important.

"I've been tested," she added. "I stood in the cold for no reason whatsoever. I've taken the shots when everyone in school made fun of me when they found out I came out on the wrong day. That's why I'm the best candidate for student-body president.

"Half of the school already knows that they don't like me, but do we know that about my opponents, like Oblahblah? Sure, they seem to like him now," Clinton continued. "But he could be too smart or a narc or some other thing that high-school kids really don't like. Shoot, he might even be ... ethnic. And we know that won't go over too well in this school."

When informed of Clinton's latest accusation, Oblahblah countered quickly. "Ethnic? Do I seem like I might be ethnic to you? Just because my name is Batalk Hussein Jose Guiseppe Ming Vladimir Oblahblah? That's just ridiculous. Clinton's pulling things out of her sizable arse again. It looks like me and the boys might have to give her another swirly. What a dork."

"Now, I resent that," Bush began. "I've heard several in the media lately saying that I've become a 'lame fu%k president.' I have to say that I strongly disagree with such words.

"Let's not forget, people, that I used to be quite the partier," he continued. "I was drinkin' all the time, snortin' coke offa cheerleaders' tits, runnin' away from the cops ... Does that sound like things some lame fu&k would do?"

Bush also noted that it's much more difficult these days to create an impression of coolness, being president and all, but that he still tries to "keep it real."

"I many not own a baseball team anymore, and have Roger Clemens over to the house for steroids parties, but I do travel the world all the time, and that's pretty cool," noted the president. "And I got this really cool jet. It's gigandous. I take trips to Africa, and I look at all them big animals. I visit "Down Under" a lot and check out the kangaroos. Austria's a cool place. I just don't think lame fu&ks travel to Austria all the time, right?

"Plus I fish a bunch," he continued to looks of abject horror and astonishment among the press corp. "Now, that may not seem cool in fancy-pants places like New York. But in the south, fishin' is a way cool thing to do, especially if you kick ass at it, which I think I do.

"So I think it's clear that we can dispensitize with the notion that I'm a lame fu&k president."

After several moments of awkward silence, Buck Fush, a reporter with Time magazine, asked the president if he perhaps heard himself called a "lame duck president," which is a common term used to describe a president in the last year of his second term, when he can't be elected again.

"Hmmmm ... Lame duck, huh? No. I'm pretty sure I heard them calling me a lame fu&k. I think I'd know the difference. I am the president after all, although it seems like I just can't get anything done lately. It's like no one out there listens to me anymore," noted Bush. "Ya'll should come up with a term for that."

"My fellow citizens, I know this is an unpopular conflict," said Bush. "But we have to stand firm in our resolve or ... or ... or them hippies are gonna win. And I'm not a loser. You hear me? I am NOT a loser. I win wars. I win elections. I'm a WINNER. My brother's the loser, not me, daddy!!! Quit calling me a loser!!!!!"

After a brief moment of awkward silence, Bush continued. "Whew. Guess I 'lost it' a little, huh? Anyway, the people of Routt County can be assured that I'm going to do everything I can to win this battle against these insurgents. You see, it's a battle of good vs. evil. Of right vs. wrong. Of black vs. white--wait, can I say that? No? OK, black is not fighting white.

"So although this is proving to be a difficult fight, it's a fight that we must win," he continued. "That's why I've authorized this surge of forces - what, Dick? You mean I can't use the word 'surge?' Alright, I've authorized this escalation of forces - what, Dick? Too Vietnamy sounding? Then what the heck am I 'sposed to call it? Oh, OK ... I've authorized an increase in forces: a new strategy. And it's gonna change this whole thing around. Now we're gonna see some progress against these hippies."

When asked how many additional Forest Service members were going to be reassigned to the region, Bush emphatically responded.

"Four."

"Is that four hundred?" asked Howdy Evergetelected, yet another bewildered reporter from the Steamboat Pirate.

"No, Howdy," Bush countered. "That's four. As in one, two, three, FOUR. My leaders 'on the ground' - that's where I get my information from, you see - they say that's the optimum number of new Pine Pigs to get the job done."

This led to a follow-up question from Mr. Evergetelected. "Sir, a few hundred of these so-called 'Pine Pigs' haven't been able to control the Rainbow Gathering, what makes you think that four more will have an effect?"

"See, that's the difference between me and you," Bush noted. "I get all the info ... I'm the president, you see. The Decider. The Decisioner. I get all of the relevant facts. Facts that I'm afraid you and the rest of the country don't get to see.

"You just have to trust me on this," he continued. "Four is the number. The number shall be four. The number of troops shall not be five, nor three, unless then proceeding onto four. Heh, heh, heh. You ever see that movie: Monty Python and the Holy Gale. I love that movie. Especially the part where they're bangin' on the coconuts. That's funny. Can I get any questions about the movie? They'd be a lot less hassling."

"I believe it's the Holy Grail, sir," said the reporter. "And I'm, once again, utterly speechless, sir."

"Gale? Grail? What's the difference? Then I guess this press conference is conclosed. Where's lunch?" Bush concluded.

Mr. Balzearo at first denied being the baby's father.  "Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself," he said.  Mr. Balzearo was obviously bothered by the crush of reporters who surrounded him, saying, "Please don't stand so close to me."  He hesitated to undergo DNA testing, protesting, "I'm not a number. Dammit, I'm a man."  When it was affirmed that Mr. Balzearo was sound technician for the Skinemax special, "Anna Nicole and the Seven Dwarfs," filmed in late 2005, nine months before baby Dannielynn's birth and witnesses attested to the fact that Mr. Balzearo and Miss Smith were often seen together on and off the set, Mr. Balzearo agreed to the tests, which positively identified Rocky Balzearo as the father.

Now, the humble burnout and notorious low-life will have to deal with millions and millions of prying ears and eyes hanging on his every word and action. Mr. Balzearo agreed to sit down with this reporter and answer a few questions one-on-one.  "I don't need no money, fortune or fame.  I got all the riches baby, one man can claim," said Mr. Balzearo, holding his lovely daughter close to his chest.

Q: How did the affair with Miss Smith begin?

A: I got a call in the middle of the night, heavy breathing never sounded quite so nice.

Q: Did you know it was her?  What did you say?

A: Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name. 

Q: Was it a magic moment?

A: Abra-abra-cadabra, I want to reach out and grab ya.  When you call my name, I salivate like a Pavlov dog.

Q: What did she say?

A: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on sugar, let me know.

Q: So you and she really communicated well?

A: If you smile at me I will understand, cause that is something everybody everywhere does in the same language.

Q: Where did you consummate the affair?

A: Under the boardwalk.

Q: Was the sex good?

A: Love me one time, yeah my knees got weak.  Love me two times girl, last all through the week

Q: What did she say to let you know how she felt?

A: You make me feel like a natural woman.

The couple parted as friends when the filming was completed.  Mr. Balzearo told Miss Smith, "Baby, you can go your own way."  But he admitted missing her as time went by, and that he had moved.  "Since my baby left me, I've found a new place to dwell, down at the end of Lonely Street at Heartbreak Hotel."  Now, with the joy of fatherhood and his beautiful, rich daughter to comfort him and keep him company, he is more philosophical.   "Don't shed no tears, no woman, no cry," he said.

Dr. Coppafeel said that the subjects of the study ranged in age from 14 to 94 and represented every known race, religion, ethnicity, social and economic class, country, territory and local sports franchise on earth. The subjects were exposed to stimuli from movies, television, videos, magazines, books, calendars and fast food restaurants.

Thirty-six percent of the men studied responded most positively to stimuli relating to the human female breast. Twenty-four percent responded most positively to stimuli relating to the female legs and buttocks. Thirty-six percent preferred fast cars and French fries. The remaining four percent were classified as "hard to please."  The results were tabulated on what Dr. Coppafeel calls a "soft belle curve," with a margin of error of plus or minus 83%.

Dr. Coppafeel feels that the study is going to be very useful to the scientific community, but that there could be a commercial impact as well.  Foxy Television Network has said that it will take a long, hard look at the study to see if they need to adjust  any of their programming to add any juvenile, inane, innuendo.  Many major breweries, who spend an estimated $989 trillion annually on advertising, were shocked to think that they had completely missed out on this marketing strategy.  "We think that this new information will provide a real bounce to sagging beer sales," said Phillip Myglass, an industry analyst.

Well, if for no other reasons than he is articulate and intelligent and sensible with really good hair and reasonable and stands just as good a chance to win the presidency as anyone else and is really cute in bike shorts, I hate John Edwards.  But throw in the fact that he is a democrat and a liberal, oh , wait, all democrats are liberals and live on the beach in Malibu, and I want to rip out his fingernails while he watches "Dancing With The Stars" strapped in an electric chair set on slow cook.  But now I find out that John Edwards is a telemark skier who has just come out of the Closets.  I don't care how high-tech they look these days, you can take the boy out of the granola, but you can't take the granola out of the boy.  Boy, I hate granola. 
And I hate knee dippin' tree fairies.

I'm a no nonsense, no sense of humor, neo-nasty downhill mama who thinks turns are for wimps.  And liberals.  If you're turning, you're slowing me down.  Get out of my way.  Left, right, left, right...make up your stupid mind.  I've got no time for your wacko indecision. 

But I digress.  This column may seem like it is about how much I hate democrats and liberals and John Edwards and telemark skiers and granola and the media even though I am very much a part of the media.  But it is really about me.  My good looks.  My best-selling books, "Republicans Are Always Right, democrats Can Rot In Hell," and "There's A Lot More Of Me Where I Come From," which  have all the literary value of an Archie comic, the humor of a wet towel snapped at your ass and the sensitivity of a toilet seat.  And don't get me started on Barack HUSSEIN Obama or Hillary Rodham Clinton!  Sorry, I digressed again.  My thrilling long, long legs.  My wicked eyes.  Me!  Me!  Me!  I know that if I just keep writing the most outrageous, outlandish, tasteless, ranting columns,  I will never go out of print.  Just look at Foxy News Network or America's Top Model.  That's what America wants.  America wants me and is morbidly fascinated by me,  hanging on my every word and drooling t o find out what I'm going to say next.  HA HA HA!!!  Ann Molten is just a pseudonym.  I'm actually Barbra Streisand.   

Researchers at the Center for the Remarkably Obvious believe they have confirmed a long-standing scientific hypothesis that watching reality television for any extended period of time leads to increased levels of stupidity. According to a research team led by renowned scientist, Professor Tim Withstupid, the evidence is overwhelming and leads no doubt to their conclusion.

"Frankly, we were shocked by the findings," noted Professor Withstupid. "We expected to see some correlation, but what we found was an astounding decrease in brain activity among those who watch more than just a few minutes of reality television. In fact, anyone who watches more than an hour in one given sitting can be officially deemed mentally retarded."

To prove their theory, the research team administered common aptitude tests before, during and after their test subjects watched reality television shows such as Survivor, Road Rules and My Fair Brady, among others. In one case, test scores plummeted 97 percent after watching a full-length episode of Survivor IX: Craig Auto Dump.

In addition, a new reality show created by Steamboat's own Pirate Productions, A Piece of Ass, achieved results in its viewers that were essentially off the charts.

"Yes, this show was particularly remarkable," added Withstupid. "We monitored the brainwave function of all six of the show's regular viewers, and, without fail, their minds essentially shut down while watching the moronic behavior on the screen. At first we couldn't believe the results, so we brought in a test sample of viewers who had never seen the show. Within minutes of starting 'A Piece of ASS,' every member of that sample group fell into epileptic seizures and began drooling uncontrollably. We had to shut the program off, fearing that they'd never be able to use their frontal lobes ever again. It was quite frightening, to say the least."

The team's research findings were met with considerable resistance from the Hollywood establishment, which quickly launched a smear campaign against Professor Withstupid and his team.

"This is absolute 'junk science,'" countered Mark Burnett, producer of Survivor and the so-called "father" of reality television. "I've made hundreds of episodes of this programming, and millions of dollars, and I can assure our faithful audience that they're not, I said not, becoming dumber from watching our shows.

"In fact, we have a slew of well-paid researchers who completely contradict Professor Withstupid's findings," he added. "According to them, reality television actually increases your IQ. That's right. In one test case, our researchers had a car-crash victim who lost 99 percent of his brain activity--a complete vegetable--watch 17 hours straight of our finest episodes of The Apprentice. And they're willing to swear, under oath, that the patient made a complete recovery and is now solving math problems that would make the kid on Good Will Hunting's head spin. As long as my checks don't bounce, they'll be more than happy to counter anything Withstupid and his doomsayers come up with."

The U.S. Agency for Television's Debilitating Effects on the Mind has so far refused to take action on any findings from Withstupid's efforts or those of Mr. Burnett, citing a lack of conclusive evidence.

"We're going to follow the lead of the Environmental Protection Agency and how they're handling global warming and its effects," said Roger Headinthesand, chair of the USATDEM. "As long as there's at least one scientist, regardless of who he's paid by, willing to say that reality TV isn't bad for viewers, than we'll just wait and hope nothing really bad happens. It's not like U.S. students' test scores are going down or anything. They're holding steady at No. 56 in the world, ahead of such intellectual powers as Costa Rica and The Ivory Coast. So there's really nothing to be alarmed about."

When told of Mr. Headinthesand's comments, Professor Withstupid explained that he wasn't surprised.

"These are the same types of government agencies that for decades wouldn't admit that tobacco was bad for you, as millions of people were dying of cancer," he noted. "So why wouldn't they just sit on their fat asses as millions more suffer from brain decay? But I've gotta run. I can't miss the 7:30 rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond--now that's high-quality TV!"

Scraps, the surprise winner of the 2006 River Dog Championship held in the Yampa River's "P" hole, has tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone, and he has been stripped of his championship collar and collapsible doggy dish prize.

The failed test sample was taken after a dominating performance by Scraps during which he retrieved the Dunkel, a retrieving toy that the competitors refer to as "the funny thing that I just have to have in my mouth right now and bring back super-duper quick to my food supplier," in a Championship record time of 4.2 seconds.

"Yeah, we couldn't believe that time when he posted it," barked Chopster, the runner-up in the event who will likely be named the new champion. "Don't get me wrong, I was happy for the guy--shoot, I'm happy for everybody at all times, just look at my tail--but that time seemed a little too good."

In his first interview after the announcement of the failed test, Scraps proclaimed his innocence and vowed to vigorously defend his title and good name.

"I just can't believe this. I'm shocked," added Scraps, with a sad puppy-wuppy face. "I just don't understand how I could have tested for high levels of testosterone. I don't even have balls."

The scientists who administered the field test of the sample admitted that they weren't sure how a dog with no testicles, who had been castrated shortly after birth, could test positive for elevated testosterone levels. They noted, however, that rules are rules, and that the test was clearly positive.

"The 'No Testicles' defense has been tried before, and it just doesn't carry any weight with us," noted Chase Peeingdogs, a longtime canine pissologist. "We take this event very seriously, and no dog, balls or not, is allowed to enhance his abilities artificially."

A second "B" sample is currently being tested, but it's expected to confirm the earlier result.

"I'm innocent, I swear," insisted Scraps. "If the 'B' sample does come up positive, then it must've been from something I ate. I did chow on some Snausages before the event that tasted a little funny. Perhaps they were loaded with horse testosterone or whatever yummy substance they put in those things. Or maybe one of my competitors--I'm not going to name any names, Chopster--put something in my bowl to get me disqualified.

"I just want to say to all my fans, and my family, who have supported me all the way, that I snagged that Dunkel all on my own. It was nothing more than hard work and a great set of flippers that allowed me to track it down so fast. This isn't the last you've heard of Scraps," he announced as he went back to his owner, who proceeded to drive Scraps to the humane shelter where he was put to sleep for being a potential menace to society.

At a ceremony inside Hollywood's Kodak Theater, Mel Gibson was named 2006's Craziest Actor Alive. Gibson was a frontrunner, along with Tom Cruise, for the award prior to his recent anti-Semitic rant following a drunken driving arrest, but the latest incident "put him over the top--way, way over the top," noted one analyst, to take this year's top prize.

"I just want to thank the Academy, if any of you are actually real people and not my imagination, who voted for me," said Gibson in his acceptance speech. "This is a great honor for me. It really validates all of the hard work over the years, and the late nights staring at the sky waiting for the aliens to take me away to a beautiful planet where the tequila flows like water and there aren't any Jews around to poison the atmosphere."

Gibson also took time to thank Marlon Brando for dying, which disqualified him from the award that he had a stranglehold on for years. In fact, Brando's body was found with one of his Craziest Actor Alive statuettes in a stranglehold.

The festive award ceremony was briefly interrupted, however, when Charlton Heston ran onto the stage with a loaded automatic shotgun. At gunpoint, he demanded that Gibson give him the gold statuette in the likeness of Charlie Chaplin, one of Hollywood's first great lunatics. Trembling from the shotgun pointed at his face and the DTs, Gibson handed over the award to Heston.

"You'll have to pry this award from my cold, dead hands!" screamed Heston maniacally. "Ah, damn you! God ... damn you all to hell!" Heston then ranted at the skies as the event's specially mandated SWAT team unloaded, ironically, a barrage of automatic gun fire on the actor. Gibson then pried the award from Heston's cold, dead hands.

Cruise, who had admitted earlier in the week that he believed Gibson was going to run away with the award, possibly on a high-speed highway chase, handled the disappointment in stride. When asked how he felt about Gibson's victory, Cruise maniacally jumped onto his theater seat and proclaimed that "I love Mel Gibson! I'm not going to hide it! I am so happy, and I am not going to pretend or hide it or be shy. Something happened, and I want to celebrate it!"

The event ended with a resounding rendition of "Crazy" by Craziest Band winner Aerosmith, during which everyone in attendance, minus Charleton Heston, belted out the chorus: "I go crazy, crazy, baby, I go crazy!"