Crazy River Dog Champ Tests Positive for High Testosterone, Blames Snausages
Friday, 15 December 2006
Scraps, the surprise winner of the 2006 River Dog Championship held in the Yampa River's "P" hole, has tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone, and he has been stripped of his championship collar and collapsible doggy dish prize.
The failed test sample was taken after a dominating performance by Scraps during which he retrieved the Dunkel, a retrieving toy that the competitors refer to as "the funny thing that I just have to have in my mouth right now and bring back super-duper quick to my food supplier," in a Championship record time of 4.2 seconds.
Crazy River Dog Champion Scraps tested positive of elevated testosterone levels. His defense: "I have no balls!"
"Yeah, we couldn't believe that time when he posted it," barked Chopster, the runner-up in the event who will likely be named the new champion. "Don't get me wrong, I was happy for the guy--shoot, I'm happy for everybody at all times, just look at my tail--but that time seemed a little too good."
In his first interview after the announcement of the failed test, Scraps proclaimed his innocence and vowed to vigorously defend his title and good name.
"I just can't believe this. I'm shocked," added Scraps, with a sad puppy-wuppy face. "I just don't understand how I could have tested for high levels of testosterone. I don't even have balls."
The scientists who administered the field test of the sample admitted that they weren't sure how a dog with no testicles, who had been castrated shortly after birth, could test positive for elevated testosterone levels. They noted, however, that rules are rules, and that the test was clearly positive.
"The 'No Testicles' defense has been tried before, and it just doesn't carry any weight with us," noted Chase Peeingdogs, a longtime canine pissologist. "We take this event very seriously, and no dog, balls or not, is allowed to enhance his abilities artificially."
A second "B" sample is currently being tested, but it's expected to confirm the earlier result.
"I'm innocent, I swear," insisted Scraps. "If the 'B' sample does come up positive, then it must've been from something I ate. I did chow on some Snausages before the event that tasted a little funny. Perhaps they were loaded with horse testosterone or whatever yummy substance they put in those things. Or maybe one of my competitors--I'm not going to name any names, Chopster--put something in my bowl to get me disqualified.
"I just want to say to all my fans, and my family, who have supported me all the way, that I snagged that Dunkel all on my own. It was nothing more than hard work and a great set of flippers that allowed me to track it down so fast. This isn't the last you've heard of Scraps," he announced as he went back to his owner, who proceeded to drive Scraps to the humane shelter where he was put to sleep for being a potential menace to society.