Boulder Watchdog Group Reprimands Organic Farm for Having Chickens that "Aren't Really Free"

Written by Henrietta Clucksalot Wednesday, 08 August 2012

Flatiron Farms, a certified organic collective that specializes in providing eggs and chickens to Boulder restaurants and grocery stores demanding "free-range" birds, was cited for several "animal happiness" violations by People for the Ethical Treatment of Chickens and their Right to Avoid Prisons (PETCRAP), a group of Boulder vegans with no real power to monitor the farming of tasty birds.A group of Boulder vegans plans to hold a candle-light vigil outside a local free-range chicken farm until "all of the majestic flightless birds held prisoner in these chicken-wing concentration camps are free to roam the Earth as they see fit." A local fox, upon hearing of the group's demands, said "yes, please, I'm quite hungry."A group of Boulder vegans plans to hold a candle-light vigil outside a local free-range chicken farm until "all of the majestic flightless birds held prisoner in these chicken-wing concentration camps are free to roam the Earth as they see fit." A local fox, upon hearing of the group's demands, said "yes, please, I'm quite hungry."

According to PETCRAP, the chickens at Flatirons Farms are living under "forced enslavement" and are unable to choose if they'd like to stay at the farm or go elsewhere, making it impossible to call them "free-range chickens."

"These adorable, powerful birds can't just take off and leave, as they have lost the ability to fly somewhere along the evolutionary ladder," noted Barry N. Nutslonly, one of PETCRAPs "Guardians of the Flock." "So they're stuck at this farm, living their mundane lives, waiting to be executed, plucked, fried and served to some bloodthirsty Neanderthal. It breaks my heart."

The farm's owner, Constance Poopsmell, claims that Flatiron Farms abides by all the regulations that allow her birds to be considered "free range," and that chickens are the stupidest damn animals in the world.

"I wonder if anyone over at PETCRAP has actually spent more than a few minutes with a bunch of chickens," said Poopsmell. "Even given all the room in the world, all they want to do is hide and cluck and eat and crap. They have the same intellectual capacity as a trout. Their lives would be just as unmemorable if they lived in cages, but I give them the proper amount of land to walk on, because Whole Paycheck Foods pays me three times what regular grocery stores will pay."

Undaunted by Poopsmell's declarations of legality, PETCRAP plans on holding a candle-light vigil at the gates of Flatiron Farms until all the chickens are "set free to walk the Earth as Mother Nature intended them to."

"Yeah, sure, I'll just let them walk out the door," noted Poopsmell. "They'd last about five minutes before every dog, coyote and fox within 20 miles tore them to shreds. That's a great plan. I hope PETCRAP brought a lot of candles."