Hayden Freaks Out over Gas Station Move, Steamboaters Gain New Reason to Belittle Neighboring Town
Written by R.U. Serious Monday, 02 May 2011
The Hayden Town Council voted 4-1 to block an attempted move of a Kum & Go gas station, which was trying to relocate an entire block from its existing location.
Steamboat Springs residents reacted unanimously to the news that Hayden officials and residents were in a tizzy over a gas station wanting to move a whole block closer to "central Hayden," whatever that is.
The petitioned relocation prompted a ridiculously vocal reaction from Hayden citizens, government leaders and a bewildered out-of-town Kum & Go representative, leading to widespread snickering from residents of neighboring Steamboat Springs.
According to Hayden Mayor Slim Pickens, the proposed move of a nondescript gas station edging one measly block closer to the town center resulted in "the biggest crowd he had seen at a meeting in his 12 years in town politics." This quote was note made up by The Pirate reporters.
In another not-made-up quote, a Hayden resident actually said the one-block move into a nicer and cleaner facility would "tear the town apart."
"That's freaking hilarious," chuckled Steamboat Springs resident Steve "Snowman" Simpson, in one of the few made-up quotes for this story. "Hayden ... Wow ... I gotta tell my friends about this one. But I suppose it's a good thing if that's your biggest problem."
The Kum & Go representative wondered if the outcome would've been different had the gas station/convenience store had a name that inspired less sexual innuendo.
"Would they have approved our one-block move had we been a Sinclair?" questioned Harry Balls. "Who knows? It'd be a shame if people were so immature that they can't support something based on a poorly thought out naming choice."
In response, one of the meeting attendees giggled, "His name is Harry Balls ... Get it? Harry Balls ..."