Tiger Pulls Out of Catamount Invitational; Thought It Was Italian Cougar Orgy
Written by Kitty Kat Monday, 05 April 2010
To the dismay of promoters and sponsors of this year's Catamount Invitational, Tiger Woods, the world's No. 1 golfer, has pulled out prematurely.
It appears that Mr. Woods originally agreed to enter the event because he thought it was an Italian sex orgy featuring attractive, older women and not a golf tournament at Catamount Ranch in Steamboat Springs.
Originally hoping to bang this still-attractive 40-something, Tiger Woods pulled out of the Catamount Invitational when he realized it was just another golf tournament.
"I'd be happy to mount some of those cougar cats," said Woods when earlier confirming that he'd be in attendance. "They might not be as tight in some places as the usual girls I bang, but they've got a ton of experience, which is nice. Plus they're a little desperate, so they'll do anything. And those Italians put together the best orgies. I'll-a hide-a da salami, paisan!"
Tournament organizers first became aware of the misunderstanding when Woods called to secure a spinning, circular bed for what he called "knockin' boots in Cougar Town." Woods also asked organizers to contact him via his "secret number" so his "Swedish naggie" wouldn't find out.
When told that Catamount was not Italian for humping cougars and was instead a private golf course hosting a tournament, Woods immediately cancelled his reservation.
"The only boat I'm going to now is my big-ass yacht. You know, the one with all the hot bitches on it. The S.S. Pooty Cruiser," Woods boasted.
Catamount Invitational organizers were disappointed in losing the world's most famous athlete and are now considering changing the golf tournament into an Italian cougar orgy.
Editor's Note: Tiger Woods' PR staff has since contacted The Pirate and Yesterday and issued this statement: "Tiger Woods apologizes for the quotes and behavior relayed in this article. He's currently in rehab of whatever type will make you forgive him. He does insist that you leave his family alone, just like he does."