Epidurean Saved by IMF Loan

Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTOR Pat Weiner Thursday, 09 June 2011

Embattled restaurant owner Marco Pervert (pronounced "Pair-vair") has seen business at his downtown Epidurean Restaurant soften dramatically in the last several months, to the point where it seems like it's closed, ever since charges of indecent exposure were levied against him.In this authentic, undoctored photo, Marco Pervert (pronounced "Pair-vair") embraces his new benefactor, fellow Frenchman Dominique Strauss-Kahn at the IMF. The two later celebrated their partnership in the traditional French way: stripping naked, covering their genitals in chocolate sauce and chasing young women around the Eifel Tower.

"I have too much exposure in the Steamboat Today--I'm in the paper more than medical marijuana," he said. "They just hate me because I'm French!"

"The people in this town have short memories. They will forget all about me when a new scandal makes the news. Maybe a dog shooting or a library stabbing," added Pervert. "Something like that will take the spotlight from me, and business will be back to normal. Until then, I have been trying to find a loan to keep the doors open."

Pervert's search for a local loan has not gone well. "I can't even get them to look at the meat in the display case. As soon as I reveal who I am and disclose my legal problems, the local banks won't touch me."

But Pervert has been resourceful in his efforts to uncover every possible source of funding. "It was staring me right in the face the whole time. What banker in all the world would understand me? Of course! My fellow Frenchman Dominique Strauss-Kahn at the IMF!

"DSK insisted on seeing everything, so I bared it all, the police reports, everything. When he read the part about me bursting out of the bathroom naked, a smile came over his face! It  grew bigger and bigger! He drove a hard bargain, but, in the end, the loan was extended, and we had something to shake on."

"He introduced me to his Egyptian friend, Mahmoud Abdel-Salam Omar. We talked for hours about this terrible country we are in, populated by idiots who have never been exposed to sophisticated foreign cultures.  

"We will be reopening as soon as I can recruit some new waitresses, preferably women who are new to town," continued Pervert. "The competition will be stiff, but I will show them everything they need to know. I can't wait to unveil my new ideas!"