Politics/Government

China Levels Hacking Charge at Obama, Claims U.S. Stole 'State Secrets' on How to Spy on Own Citizens

•Written by Biggie Brother• ••Wednesday•, 19 •June• 2013•

In a move that could derail the "positive vibes" from a recent retreat at the Sunnylands Estate in California, Chinese President Xi Jinping accused the U.S. federal government of hacking into China's computer network to steal its long-mastered secret tactics to monitor the activities of its civilians.U.S. President Barack Obama broke into a recent Verizon Wireless commercial and explained "Oh yeah, I can hear you now! And now! And most definitely, right damn now!!!"U.S. President Barack Obama broke into a recent Verizon Wireless commercial and explained "Oh yeah, I can hear you now! And now! And most definitely, right damn now!!!"

"What we've seen from the United States and its National Security Administration in the last few weeks is exactly the kind of thing we've been doing in China for more than 50 years," noted Jinping in a statement from Beijing. "The monitoring of all calls, the Internet surveillance, the persecution of whistleblowers and those who disagree with such practices. There's no way they could model our time-perfected techniques so accurately without directly accessing our computer files. Hack, hack, no take back!"

The charges are a strong role reversal, as the United States has long complained of major hacking schemes coming from mainland China. According to experts in the field, China appears to have hacked into U.S. energy, technology and defense computers and stolen billions of dollars in intellectual property.

But although China would have much to learn in these...

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Republicans Unveil New Benghazi Attack Line: Call It Ben-Gay-Zee

•Written by Dawn Chagetit • ••Sunday•, 19 •May• 2013•

After pounding away at President Barack Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for months about the "scandal" concerning the Benghazi terrorist attack and finding little traction among the media, short-attention-span voters or anyone else for that matter, Republicans believe they have a new attack line that should score them points with their anti-tolerance, homophobic base that has no idea where Benghazi even is.Adding a hilarious new prop to their continued attacks against Democrats, Republicans began passing out specially created tubes of pain-relief cream they cleverly named Ben-gay-zee. Get it? Ben-GAY-zee ... Ha!Adding a hilarious new prop to their continued attacks against Democrats, Republicans began passing out specially created tubes of pain-relief cream they cleverly named Ben-gay-zee. Get it? Ben-GAY-zee ... Ha!

"It's a simple, yet awesome, way to make Democrats say things like 'shut up' while Republicans giggle and take the upper hand in the argument," noted Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner. "We simply make a possibly intentional, possibly not, mispronunciation of the word 'Benghazi.' We call it Ben-gay-zee. Get it? Because it's so gay! And we all know that calling something or someone gay is super funny, especially if it's close to the real name. I mean, who doesn't snicker every time someone asks for that muscle cream, Bengay? Hah, did you hear that? Bengay! Ben-gay-zee! Awesome!"

The strategy worked to perfection the first time it was tried out on an unsuspecting Obama. Fox News reporter Major Hackett asked...

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'I Dare Obama to Try and Take Away My Snowballs!'

•Written by Chillie Palmer• ••Monday•, 28 •January• 2013•

Sparked by a rumor heard on the elementary school playgrounds, eight-year-old snowball-rights activist Pepper Neighbors has spent most of her free time between ballet classes and freeze tag amassing a huge arsenal of snowballs in her "Snowmageddon Bunker."Pepper Neighbors, a second-grade student in Colorado and third-cousin-removed to Charlton Heston, had one thing to say to President Obama should he try and take away her snowballs: "You'll have to pry my snowballs from my cold, numb hands."Pepper Neighbors, a second-grade student in Colorado and third-cousin-removed to Charlton Heston, had one thing to say to President Obama should he try and take away her snowballs: "You'll have to pry my snowballs from my cold, numb hands."

"I heard from Tommy that Obama did some president stuff and was now coming to take away my snowballs," noted Neighbors. "And Tommy is in fourth grade, so he knows about these things. But I love my snowballs, and I'll never let Obama take away my secondary manendment right to have a huge pile of them and throw them at stuff."

After witnessing Ms. Neighbors compiling hundreds of snowballs in her five-foot-tall snow fort, a neighbor and snowball-control proponent Marty Pooper reported the activity to her parents.

"Why does anyone need to have that many snowballs?" asked Pooper, after returning from a neighborhood party that he apparently wasn't invited to. "Isn't, say, 10 snowballs enough to keep the stray dogs away or have a snowball fight with your friends? I really think her parents are...

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Congress Avoids Fiscal Cliff, Awaits Upcoming Battle over Fiscal F*ck You

•Written by Winnie Willitend• ••Monday•, 07 •January• 2013•

In a deadline deal to avoid universal tax increases and deep budget cuts, the U.S. Congress passed legislation to avoid the so-called "fiscal cliff." However, several contested issues were merely postponed, and a February deadline looms over the U.S. debt ceiling and massive budget cuts that should be more venomously contested than this last debacle.Although Congressional leaders barely avoided going over the fiscal cliff, a new and more contested battle is expected over how to deal with the upcoming fiscal f*ck you.Although Congressional leaders barely avoided going over the fiscal cliff, a new and more contested battle is expected over how to deal with the upcoming fiscal f*ck you.

"I know we just passed this fiscal cliff legislation," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "But the next battle, in just two months, is going to be even nastier, so we need a really dramatic name for it. I'm calling it the 'fiscal f*ck you.'"

Reid explained that he locked in on the new name shortly after U.S. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner recently and publicly instructed Reid to "go f*ck yourself" ... twice to avoid any misinterpretation.

Reid further explained that before Boehner's comments, he considered naming the upcoming battle the "fiscal Armageddon" or "fiscal apocalypse" in honor of the Mayan misunderstanding on December 21, but now he's certain that "fiscal f*ck you" is the right term for what lies ahead.

"The fiscal cliff was just Tiddly Winks compared to the upcoming fight on the debt...

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Republicans Vow to Limit Obama to 'Two-Term President'

•Written by Cam Painagain• ••Sunday•, 25 •November• 2012•

Almost immediately after President Barack Obama won re-election, Republican leaders promised they would do everything in their power to prevent Obama from winning a third term as president, but that this time it would work.Republican leaders fear President Obama will repeal the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, which limits presidents to two terms, and name himself king or dictator for life. Of course, the last amendment to repeal a previous amendment legalized alcohol, so there is precedent for drastic action if politicians do something really stupid, like ban booze or nominate Sarah Palin for president in 2016.Republican leaders fear President Obama will repeal the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, which limits presidents to two terms, and name himself king or dictator for life. Of course, the last amendment to repeal a previous amendment legalized alcohol, so there is precedent for drastic action if politicians do something really stupid, like ban booze or nominate Sarah Palin for president in 2016.

"Sure, I promised after the last election that my main priority was making sure Obama was a 'one-term president,'" said Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "And no, that didn't exactly work out. But this time, I'm really, really confident we can keep him from being elected for a third term."

Part of that newfound confidence lies in the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which clearly states that U.S. presidents can only serve two terms in office. And since its passage, no president has tried to question the legitimacy of the Constitution they swore to protect under all costs.

However, former vice presidential candidate, part-time governor and reality TV star Sarah Palin quickly jumped into the fray to...

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      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '13'
  32. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '13'
  33. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '11'
  34. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '11'
  35. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '9'
  36. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '9'
  37. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '3'
  38. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '3'
  39. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_banner
      WHERE showBanner = 1
      AND (imptotal = 0 OR impmade < imptotal)
      AND cid = 2
      AND catid = 44
      ORDER BY sticky DESC, ordering
      LIMIT 0, 1

•0 legacy queries logged•

    •Language Files Loaded•

    •Untranslated Strings Diagnostic•

    GLOBAL PIRATE	JHTML::tooltip()	[:]
    STEAMBOAT SPRINGS LOCAL PIRATE	JHTML::tooltip()	[:]
    

    •Untranslated Strings Designer•

    
    # ??Unknown file??
    
    GLOBAL PIRATE=Global Pirate
    STEAMBOAT SPRINGS LOCAL PIRATE=Steamboat Springs Local Pirate