Republican Leaders Urging All Its Candidates to Sign 'I Will Never Say the Word 'Rape' Under Any Circumstances' Pledge

Written by Tank Myparty Friday, 26 October 2012

To quell the bleeding from the latest of several negatively received comments about rape and how it may have some sort of "upside" in certain circumstances, GOP leaders are circulating a pledge and demanding that all of its candidates sign the document.Although not an official GOP candidate at this time, Donald Trump signed the "don't ever mention rape" pledge. At this press conference, his monologue steered toward a dangerous topic, at which point he shoved this finger into his mouth and bit down severely, averting further political suicide.

Part of the document reads, "I pledge that under no circumstances will I ever use the word 'rape' in any form, context or situation. I won't even say it amongst close friends, as you never know who has a hidden camera. Any time I even think of the word 'rape' in my head, after signing this document, I will bite one of my fingers so hard that it makes my eyes water and the word disappears from my brain, and all I think about is the harmless, intense pain in my digit."

The pledge was written by Grover Norquist, who is famous for writing the No Tax Pledge which most Republican lawmakers and candidates have signed.

"It's my theory that Republicans simply need a public declaration to keep them from doing something harmful to themselves and our party, marital fidelity excluded, of course, but that's a bipartisan situation," said Norquist. "It worked in the case of the No Tax Pledge, as those who signed wouldn't even raise a tax on a billionaire's third yacht, so we think a public pledge like this should keep them in line and remind them to never say or use, in any way, the 'r' word."

Particularly hurt by the recent rape comments is Senator Mitch McConnell, who was hoping to make enough gains in the Senate to possibly become the Majority Leader. But first Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin declared that there were "legitimate rapes" and that women's body parts can magically shut down rape sperm and not become pregnant from them. Once a shoo-in to win, Akin's numbers have plummeted and he will likely get pummeled in the election. Then Indiana Senate candidate Richard Murdock stated that a pregnancy as a result of rape was a "gift from God," quickly making another near-guaranteed Senate seat a major question mark heading into the election.

"You've got to be fu#&ing kidding me," stated a weary-looking McConnell. "What's wrong with these fu%&ing candidates! I had this thing in the bag, and they're blowing it. It was mine, for fu#&'s sake! I'm using the word fu#& a lot, aren't I? I should stop that. I don't condone fu#&ing and certainly not any between non-consenting anything."

The recent pledge being circulated also suggests that candidates steer clear of similar-sounding words, such as 'drape' or 'grape,' as they may be misconstrued or, worse, accidentally mispronounced as 'rape.' The pledge again suggests that any candidate thinking of such words bite one of their fingers quickly and forcefully. Should anyone question why they are munching vigorously on one of their own fingers, they are instructed to respond that they are merely hungry, and that biting a finger or two is an excellent way to suppress one's appetite.

"I don't care if they bite the damn thing off," added McConnell. "A finger in the mouth is much better than another giant-sized foot in the mouth. We can spin finger biting. Stupid fu#&s."