Sports
Goodell Clarifies New NFL Policy: No Suspensions for Beating Yourself
Written by Jack Hoff Thursday, 29 January 2015
Embattled NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference to elaborate on a confusing portion of the league's new abuse policies.
"To be clear, it is definitely NOT OK to beat any other member of your family, or strangers or any other person or even animal," said Goodell. "But there will NOT be ANY suspensions or penalties levied for beating yourself. We had a lot of questions about that, as it's apparently highly practiced throughout our league. Although some religions, parents and others frown on the practice, it is not illegal in the NFL. You may or may not go blind, but taking that risk is up to the individual."
Goodell hopes the NFL can be a leading example for other sporting leagues and communities in specifying the difference between beating on others and beating on yourself.
"We're proud of our new policy and awareness campaign," added Goodell. "And this is an issue that pertains to women as well as men, as studies show that women are just as likely as men to 'beat themselves,' although the mechanics and terminology often are different."
Add a commentNew England Patriots and Denny's Partner on Anti-Tight-End Campaign
Written by Ike Bigbutts Sunday, 30 June 2013
Further sharpening their stances against tight ends, the NFL's
New England Patriots and the Denny's breakfast franchise recently
announced a partnership to co-promote their cause.
For different reasons and via different means, the New England Patriots and Denny's breakfast franchises have partnered to create an "End the Tight End" campaign.
For its part, the Patriots have released a star player, Aaron Hernandez, a former tight end and current murder suspect, and are being evasive about the future of its other star tight end, the often-injured and more-often grabbing headlines for partying shirtless with strippers Rob Gronkowski.
"We've had nothing but trouble lately with tight ends," noted Patriots' coach Bill Belichick. "Sure, they were stars for us on the football field in recent years. But off the field, we obviously can't control them. So it's time to part ways with the whole concept of the tight end here in New England."
Belichick added that to make up for the lost receiving production, supermodel Gisele Bündchen will finally get her wish: fellow model, husband and Patriots' star quarterback Tom Brady will now be throwing as well as catching his own passes.
"We've designed several plays where Tom drops back, heaves the ball up into the air, runs downfield and then catches the ball," said Belichick. "The trick is...
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Jordan Guarantees He'll Finish with More Rings than LeBron: 'I'll Get Married as Many Times as I Have To'
Written by Phil Crackson Monday, 15 April 2013
Legendary basketball player and failed basketball executive and
owner Michael Jordan, upon hearing of LeBron James' recent
engagement to long-time girlfriend Savannah Brinson, insinuated
that James was merely trying to upstage him after he had announced
his own engagement to Cuban model Yvette Prieto.
Michael Jordan was photographed showing off his latest "unbeatable" ring collection of six NBA championship rings, two wedding rings and something on a chain he won in a poker game from "some short Baggins dude with big furry feet."
"I see what he's up to," noted Jordan between $50,000 hands of blackjack at the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas. "He finally gets an NBA championship, and he's coming after me. He sees that I'm getting married, upping my ring total to eight, and he's trying to get his up to two to stay competitive. But it ain't happening. I'll get married as many times as it takes. He'll never have more rings than me, no matter what he does."
Asked to clarify his ring total, as Jordan currently owns six NBA championship rings and isn't likely to earn another in this lifetime, Jordan noted that wedding rings count, as they're at least as expensive as winning an NBA title or purchasing an entire NBA team.
"It's not the ring that's expensive, of course," admitted Jordan. "But the wife upkeep and divorce settlement...
Add a commentNFL Owners Locking Out 'Greedy' Concession Workers who Demanded Reinstatement of Annual Holiday Party
Written by Joe Powerless Thursday, 20 September 2012
Citing the lack of controversy and ease with which they locked
out their referees who asked for their retirement pension to remain
active, NFL owners moved yesterday to lockout their entire
workforce of concession workers who, according to one owner, "were
getting greedy, too."
"Greedy" concession workers have been locked out of NFL stadiums for daring to want something from the owners.
Among the soda and beer pourers demands was a reinstatement of a group holiday party in December, hosted by each owner and team. Owners are insisting that the once-common practice be dropped to save them five to 10 thousand dollars annually, depending on whether the party was "open bar" or not.
"Holiday parties, like pension plans, are a relic of the past," said NFL owner mouthpiece and league commissioner Roger Greedwell. "Who does that anymore?"
Greedwell admitted that NFL owners are making bajillions of dollars from their teams, but countered that because many sectors of the modern economy are suffering and demanding cutbacks from existing employees, the NFL owners should do the same on principle.
"Our owners need to stand united with the other owners of the world," continued Greedwell. "If other owners are reducing paychecks, cutting healthcare benefits and taking away things like pensions and holiday parties, then we need to...
Add a commentFollowing Basketball Playbook, Kentucky to become Two-Year College
Written by Kat Wilde Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Inspired by the school's successful men's basketball program,
which recently won the NCAA National Championship, the University
of Kentucky announced that starting next year it will become a
solely two-year college and will no longer offer four-year degrees
of anything.
Building off its successful basketball blueprint, the University of Kentucky announced that it will only offer students a chance to attend the school for a maximum of two years, thus taking the pressure off of any basketball player suffering from the not-likely-to-make-the-NBA label of "senior." One of the most popular new non-NBA Finishing School Degree is "Big Styrofoam Hand Waving," considered a potentially booming industry in the new economy.
"What we learned from our basketball team is that two years is more than enough to prepare someone to make millions of dollars in the 'real world,'" said University Dean Dean University. "Heck, our most successful former students only needed one year at Kentucky to learn the tools of their trade and make a lot of money in the NBA. So any other student should easily be able to get what they need from Kentucky in two years or less."
Ditching what the university considers "antiquated labels," the common references of freshman, sophomore, junior and senior will be replaced by first-year students being called...
Add a commentRead more: Following Basketball Playbook, Kentucky to become Two-Year College
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