NFL Owners Locking Out 'Greedy' Concession Workers who Demanded Reinstatement of Annual Holiday Party

Written by Joe Powerless Thursday, 20 September 2012

Citing the lack of controversy and ease with which they locked out their referees who asked for their retirement pension to remain active, NFL owners moved yesterday to lockout their entire workforce of concession workers who, according to one owner, "were getting greedy, too.""Greedy" concession workers have been locked out of NFL stadiums for daring to want something from the owners.

Among the soda and beer pourers demands was a reinstatement of a group holiday party in December, hosted by each owner and team. Owners are insisting that the once-common practice be dropped to save them five to 10 thousand dollars annually, depending on whether the party was "open bar" or not.

"Holiday parties, like pension plans, are a relic of the past," said NFL owner mouthpiece and league commissioner Roger Greedwell. "Who does that anymore?"

Greedwell admitted that NFL owners are making bajillions of dollars from their teams, but countered that because many sectors of the modern economy are suffering and demanding cutbacks from existing employees, the NFL owners should do the same on principle.

"Our owners need to stand united with the other owners of the world," continued Greedwell. "If other owners are reducing paychecks, cutting healthcare benefits and taking away things like pensions and holiday parties, then we need to do that as well as a sign of solidarity, regardless of whether we can afford it or not."

The union representing the concession workers, Football Universal Concession Citizens Union Servers (FUCCUS), noted that the average hourly wage of its employees is $7.50 an hour, they receive no benefits, and only have a job one day a week for less than half of the year.

"The annual holiday party was the one 'perk' most of these people had," said FUCCUS head William "Tiny" Leverage. "They got to meet a few of the players, get an autograph or two and get thanked for their countless hours of schlepping hot dogs and overpriced drinks to drunk and surly football fans. And now the owners are locking them out so they don't even have that any more. It's criminal."

Greedwell noted that locking out employees is one of the privileges of capitalism, and that the concession workers were lucky to have the jobs that they are now being locked out from.

"Thanking the common workers? Who does that anymore?" added Greedwell. "Thanking cheap labor is also a relic from the past. This isn't IBM from the 1970s. No one gives out gold watches any more. Well, except for the owners giving them to their trophy wives, but that's different. Those trophy wives worked very hard to get the plastic surgery that allowed them to marry a billionaire and get those gold watches. But I do admit that concessionaires have one resemblance to trophy wives: they can be replaced very easily. There are plenty of people waiting to take both of their spots, thus the lockout."

FUCCUS is asking its union members to be patient. They expect that the replacement peanut vendors will suck at the job, just like the replacement refs do, and that unruly fans will demand the NFL owners reinstate them with the holiday party intact.

"What's five grand to these owners?" added Tiny Leverage. "One golf weekend? Maybe 10 minutes at a blackjack table with Michael Jordan? A hooker or two? They're screwing over thousands of people over what they make in the time it took me to say 'hooker or two.'"

However, a sampling of NFL fans indicated that it may be a long waiting game for members of FUCCUS. When asked how replacement concessionaires might affect their NFL experience, one fan, Louie Foamfinger from New Jersey, stated: "Unless they can catch a screen pass and turn it into a 60-yard touchdown, I don't give a flying truck who hands me my beer. Go Giants!"