Entertainment

Michael Douglas Overcomes Cancer, Splits from Unstable Wife, Now Focusing on Chrystal Meth Empire

Written by Walt Whitman Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Movie star Michael Douglas, 68, who fought through cancer treatments that appear to have been successful, announced that he has "taken a break" from his marriage to Catherine Zeta-Jones, 43, who reportedly has been suffering from mental-health issues.Now single and cancer-free, Michael Douglas declared that all business associates should refer to him as "Michaelsenberg."Now single and cancer-free, Michael Douglas declared that all business associates should refer to him as "Michaelsenberg."

"It was just time," noted Douglas. "We have been having problems likely caused by my growing chrystal methamphetamine cooking business, and we just couldn't get on the same page. But it's OK, our children are going to spend some time at her brother's while we try and work this out."

Douglas did add that he's excited to be able to finally pour his "full energy" into his high-purity meth empire, which now stretches across all of Southern California and into parts of Nevada and Arizona. He also announced that he'd be partnering with California Pizza Kitchen to help distribute his narcotics.

"There's still a lot of work to be done, both on my marriage and building my customer base," he noted. "But right now my main concern is Catherine's brother, David, who's become a major problem for reasons I can't get into ..."

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Mars Rover Loses 'America's Got Talent' Final to Dog Rover Whose Bark Sorta Sounds Like 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'

Written by Mary Canculture Sunday, 02 December 2012

In a surprising blowout finale, Mars Rover Curiosity, the NASA robot that traveled 350 million miles to the planet Mars, descended through the atmosphere at 3.6 miles per second, landed 1.5 miles from its exact intended destination and then has proceeded to take samples, measurements and photographs of an entirely different planet, lost convincingly to "Rover," a four-year-old Pekingese who can make a barking noise that somewhat resembles Baha Men's classic line "Who Let the Dogs Out?"In the eyes of the American reality TV-watching voter, NASA's Mars Rover Curiosity (left) and its interplanetary space travel couldn't compete with Rover (right), a dog whose bark was somewhat similar to an annoying and overplayed pop-culture phenomenon.In the eyes of the American reality TV-watching voter, NASA's Mars Rover Curiosity (left) and its interplanetary space travel couldn't compete with Rover (right), a dog whose bark was somewhat similar to an annoying and overplayed pop-culture phenomenon.

"Although I have respect for what the Mars Rover has done, and it's certainly cool in a 'sciency' kind of way, it just couldn't compete with the God-given talent that Rover displayed for our audience worldwide," said Howie Mandel, a judge initially famous for inflating a plastic glove on his head. "The first time I heard that distinctive bark, perfectly timed to the background music, it was over for me. Rover has what it takes to be a celebrity icon in this country, and some 'whiz-bang' mechanical vacuum cleaner just can't compete with that kind of star power."

NASA scientists were obviously...

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Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Leaving Cleveland, 'Taking Its Talented Musicians to South Beach'

Written by Wes Paul Tuesday, 03 July 2012

Shortly after watching LeBron James win an NBA championship with the Miami Heat, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum, after 17 years of toiling away futilely in Cleveland, announced that it would be relocating in Miami immediately in order to "get what I deserve."Following LeBron James' success, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum quickly found a new home on South Beach. Neighbors said the museum at first stank of stale beer and failure, but the ocean breeze and sunny skies have cleansed the building, leaving it smelling of suntan lotion and success.Following LeBron James' success, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum quickly found a new home on South Beach. Neighbors said the museum at first stank of stale beer and failure, but the ocean breeze and sunny skies have cleansed the building, leaving it smelling of suntan lotion and success.

Kicking off an elaborate press event known as "The Rockcision," the museum, now going by the acronym RARHOFM, announced to interviewer Jim Gray that "I'm taking my talented musicians to South Beach," which is celebrity-speak for "Fu@k You, Cleveland, I'm moving to Miami."

RARHOFM explained that after watching LeBron James bail on Cleveland for a better team and better location, and seeing that within two years he received the championship, recognition and glory that he long sought, but didn't find, in Cleveland, that these were the footsteps the museum needed to follow.

"LeBron was the pioneer," added RARHOFM. "He was Cleveland, more than any other icon, including myself--even more than Drew Carey. And if he could realize that...

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Nickelback Launches Twitter Attacks on Negative Criticism, No Longer Has Time to Make Music

Written by Fluff Rock Monday, 19 March 2012

Canadian Cheese-Rock band Nickelback has grown tired of people making fun of them on social media, and they're not gonna take it anymore. According to a Rolling Stone article, the band is vigorously defending themselves against any negative tweets or Facebook postings, sending a personal message such as "yeah, well you're the one that sucks" to each and every attack. To find time to answer all of their legion of critics, the band also announced that it is cancelling all tours and no longer working on writing anything music related.Canadian sort-of-rock band Nickelback has launched a fierce anti-anti-Nickelback social media campaign, spending all of their waking hours responding to critical rantings from musically responsible geeks and bloggers.Canadian sort-of-rock band Nickelback has launched a fierce anti-anti-Nickelback social media campaign, spending all of their waking hours responding to critical rantings from musically responsible geeks and bloggers.

"We're just fed up to here," said guitarist and lead vocalist Chad Kroeger, motioning his hands up to his eyeballs. "And we believe that when someone says something we feel is false, you have to defend yourself. So that's what we're going to do. It's all aboot setting the record straight, so we're going to do that instead of worrying about any musical records."

According to members of the "Don't Fu&$ with Nickelback Strikeforce," a team of 14 diehard Nickelback fans and band members are sending "necessarily unpleasant" messages back to anyone in the world who types anything negative of Nickelback...

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LGBT Numbers Increasing, Study Cites Pandora as Leading Cause

Written by K.D. Bang Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Recent research indicates that those declaring themselves part of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) community are increasing in numbers, up 23 percent from the same time a year ago. The same study also indicated that 83 percent of those who say they recently "came out of the closet" did so after listening to a lot of Pandora."I clearly like gay music, so I must be gay," said Guy Sandwich (right), one of thousands of music lovers worldwide who have recently been introduced to their own gayness through Pandora, the online music service that knows your tastes better than you do. "I just hope I'll learn to like anal intercourse as much as the music.""I clearly like gay music, so I must be gay," said Guy Sandwich (right), one of thousands of music lovers worldwide who have recently been introduced to their own gayness through Pandora, the online music service that knows your tastes better than you do. "I just hope I'll learn to like anal intercourse as much as the music."

The popular online music site, which features a sophisticated computer model that matches a listener's "likes" and "preferences" to help find new music that he or she should also like, easily outdistanced "I could just feel it" and "I'm subconsciously trying to piss off my parents" as the leading explanation for why most people joined the LGBT community.

"I was listening to Pandora again, like I usually do," notes Guy Sandwich, just one of the many thousands of listeners who recently realized he was gay. "I've been using it for a long time, and it knows my tastes really well. So I started to become suspicious of my sexual orientation after a Sufjan Stevens song was...

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