Modern Medical Miracle Monday: Help For The Unhip

Written by Dick Swett Friday, 04 April 2008

In a packed conference room at the Ski Town Medical Center on a gorgeous late winter day, Director of Public Outreach and Patient Inreach Pristine McGillicutty stepped up to the podium, looking stunning, and stunned the audience with a stunning announcement. 

"S.T.M.C. has long been a leader in cutting edge surgical procedures.  Today, we are pleased to announce the successful completion of the world's first hipness replacement.  Now, for the first time, aging ski bums who have settled into a somewhat humdrum existence as teachers, lawyers and real estate brokers can restore the spark of days gone by with this simple yet complex operation.  Now, I'd like to introduce the chief surgeon on our hipness replacement team, Dr. Ken U. Diggitt.  Dr. Diggett."  "Thank you, Pristine.  At this time, we'd like to open up the floor for questions.  Yes, the gentleman with the tacky combover."

Dr. Diggitt and his surgical team work to replace the hipness of a middle-aged ski bum.

Question: What can you tell us about this first hipness replacement patient?

Dr. Ken U. Diggitt: Well, the patient is male, mid-fifties, who came to town thirty years ago to ski.  He worked in restaurants and as a ski rental tech and went out to the bars 365 nights a year.  At first his hipness loss was gradual, but then, one day, he looked at himself in the mirror in his Dockers chinos and L. L. Bean button down shirt and he realized he had suffered significant hipness loss.  Yes, the very tall woman in the back.

Question: Would you explain the procedure in language the idiots who read this paper may understand?

Dr. Ken U. Diggitt: The treatment ranges from non-invasive day surgery all the way up to brain surgery via colonoscopy, depending on the case.  We might implant a chip loaded with Quincy Jones tracks or we might remove part of the memory center containing old J. Crew catalogs, stale pickup lines and Hootie and the Blowfish lyrics.  Yes, you, the man...no, the woman...um, whatever you are with the nosering the size of a Dunkin' Donut.

Question: There's a rumor that the Director of Skiing, Billy Kidd, has inquired about the procedure.  Can you comment on that?

Dr. Ken U. Diggitt: Yes, Billy Kidd has approached us.  But, sadly, Mr. Kidd is suffering from an inoperable absence of hipness.  Thank you for your questions.  Here is Pristine to wrap things up.

"Thank you, Dr. Diggitt.  This is going to be a much hipper ski town, thanks to you."

Be sure to check this column next week when we will discuss the treatment of ingrown laugh lines.