City Council Approves WalSheens; Pharmacy/Porn Emporium to Open on Lincoln

Written by D.U.H. Winning Monday, 02 May 2011

Despite unanimous opposition from the Steamboat Springs Planning Commission, city planning staff and 98 percent of Steamboat residents sampled on the street, city council approved the proposed WalSheens project, being developed by former actor and current interview star Charlie Sheen, in a 6-1 vote.

In an attempt to help boost the town's struggling economy, WalSheens was inexplicably approved by City Council. Steamboaters soon will have 24-hour access to drive-thru pharmaceuticals, stocking stuffers and pornography.
Citing the need to do anything businesses or rich people want and a general disdain for the public's ability to understand issues that affect them, the WalSheens Pharmacy/Porn Emporium was approved by city council for construction on the corner of Third and Lincoln, on the former gas station site next to Rabbit Ears Motel.

In supporting the controversial store, approving members cited how much money a 24-hour drug and pornography business could bring in tax revenues as well as how gosh darn hard Sheen worked to fight through what several council members called a "B.S. planning system set up by communists."

"There's way too many governmental rules and regulations that prohibit business in Steamboat Springs," said Council President Scari Helmutheadski. "Admirable businesses like Mr. Sheen's should be competing in an open market. Government needs to listen to the people and stop telling them what to do," the city's government leader defiantly told an angry and shocked crowd at the recently renamed Honey Stinger Building at Centennial Hall.

Helmutheadski was seconded by Councilperson Y, who simply mumbled, "Business. Winning. Business. Winning."

According to Sheen, the new store will sell hair products, cigarettes, Vaseline and drugs (including the much sought after Charlie Sheen drug) as well as pornography, sex toys and those creepy movies in the back room where moaning noises will come from. A total of 15 variances to Development Code were granted to the project, allowing the building to take up four stories, use neon lights and have a great big billboard with boobs on it.

"I'm a bitching rock star from Mars," commented Sheen from his Hollywood mansion. "Those council people have no idea what happened to them. They can't process it with their primitive brains."

Sheen added that the location for the store will be perfect.

"It's right next to the Playboy Bunny Motel! You grab some lube, a couple of toys and get a room next door. It's epic! I'm epic!"

Porn stars will be available, according to Sheen, but "most of you amateurs couldn't handle them or afford them. Except maybe that ex-sheriff. He seems to have Tiger blood, like me."

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