Written by Whitey Everywhere Tuesday, 04 September 2012
With interest in last year's "(Fill in the Blank) Town, U.S.A." campaign waning, Steamboat Springs Chamber Resort Association has taken a different angle for its summer marketing campaign: "Diversity Town, U.S.A."
"Because the USA Pro Cycling Challenge isn't returning this year, people feel that going back to 'Bike Town, U.S.A.' makes us look like poseurs," said Marketing Director Sara Givjaschitz. "We want to refute the notion that, between the snow and the population demographics, this is whitest town in North America. Heck, we only got 160.5 inches last season.
"Just look at all the ethnic restaurants we have available here," Givjaschitz stated as an example of Steamboat's diversity. "We've got Chinese, Mexican, Vietnamese, Mexican, Thai, Mexican, Japanese, Tex-Mex, Italian, Mexican. The list just goes on and on."
When asked about the authenticity of the Chamber's claim, given that 98.1 percent of Steamboat's population is white, Givjaschitz replied, "Well, there's been all this talk about the 1 percent. We've got 1.9 percent, so I think that's way ahead of the game."
Written by Harry Toes Tuesday, 04 September 2012
Responding to several recent reports of a tall, broad-shouldered, disproportionately long-limbed creature--including one of a being covered in matted, black hair driving a Subaru--the team from Animal Planet's Finding Bigfoot arrived in Steamboat Springs last Tuesday.
"Squatches aren't known to drive Subarus," noted James "Bobo" Fay, collector of anecdotal lore for Finding Bigfoot. "But they do appreciate all-wheel drive."
Hand-picked for the mission, a group of local hunters led the research team and camera crew deep into national forest Wednesday morning. The suspected Squatches were believed to have migrated from California into the Western Slope, fleeing habitat encroachment on the coast.
"We followed a knocking sound about five miles into the wilderness northeast of Clark," relayed one hunter. "As the noise got louder, the Finding Bigfoot team got really excited, because an increasingly rank smell started to waft over us. I guess Squatches are said to be associated with a pervasive odor. But the closer we got, the more we were able to tell that the stench was laced with patchouli and...
Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTOR M.T. Stomach Wednesday, 28 March 2012
A deadly fight broke out at Steamboat Springs' Wildhorse Cinemas over the last remaining ticket for the blockbuster film "The Hunger Games." The box office was mobbed with teenagers desperate to see the hit movie. The last 24 fans learned that there was only one ticket left for the 7:45 p.m. showing, and they fought, literally to the death, with each other for the lone ticket.
"I bought my tickets in advance on my iPhone app," said Justin Tyme, a sophomore at Steamboat Springs High School. "When I went to the theater to pick them up, there was this angry mob at the ticket window. The ticket seller said there was only one ticket left, and that's when it started. First the kids just did the usual stuff, like, you know, sending nasty text messages. Then, they started to pull out knives, swords, clubs, spears, and bows and arrows. It was crazy, for a second I thought I was at a hockey game."
The lone survivor, Barb Hooks, rose from the pile of bloody corpses, grabbed her ticket and ran immediately into the dark theater to watch the film. As the crowd poured out of the building, Miss Hooks proudly held her ticket high for all to see. "I have brought honor to the Junior Class of 2013," said a tearful Hooks. "My classmates all friended me on Facebook. The movie was pretty cool, too."
Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTOR Wallace Street Monday, 16 January 2012
Citing the recent expansion of Ski Howme, protesters congregated at the corner of Lincoln and Pine Grove Road to protest corporate greed in Steamboat. Said Steve Jobless, an impassioned demonstrator, "Our economy is in recession, and Ski Howme has the gall to expand? This is fundamentally unfair and undemocratic."
"A corrupt global banking system puts profits before people," agreed Penny Lane, a fellow activist. "Ski Howme, take down your bike!"
Ski Howme owners seemed confused by the occupation, contending that they are neither greedy nor corporate. They also noted that the bike has been down for months now.
"That's the power of the people!" exclaimed Lane, upon hearing that the bike was taken down. "They're bowing under our pressure."
"Ummm ... we took the bike down because we're on to ski season," countered Ski Howme owner Mark Tele. "This is the first I heard of any 'demands' from these people. And how did they not notice that the huge crane wasn't there any more?
"Oh, well ... Steamboat's a small town, I guess," admitted Tele. "There aren't a lot of the usual capitalist heavyweights to...
Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTOR Pablito Escobar Tuesday, 06 December 2011
Local restaurant owners are blaming their reduced 2011 numbers on the current scarcity of cocaine in Steamboat. "People just don't have a reason to go to restaurants anymore," says one local business owner, "Locals used to look to our establishment as a place to congregate and have a good time, but with the dwindling cocaine supply, there's just no motivation to eat out anymore."
A former diner, who declined to identify himself, concurs. "I was going stir-crazy from mud season, so I headed to the bar at one of my favorite restaurants last Saturday night for old time's sake. I went to the bathroom and lifted up the spare roll of toilet paper from the toilet tank in the back stall, but when there was no line there, it just wasn't the same."
Another anonymous local business owner noted a 40 percent decrease in worker productivity. "Guests are waiting longer for drinks and food, and my waitstaff are missing little things, details that they normally wouldn't let slide."
Although the sudden shift from cocaine abundance to shortage is being blamed in part on La Niña, whose monsoons caused mudslides and the subsequent collapse...
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