Steamboat Springs
Steamboat Pirate and Yesterday Presents Itself with Award for Economic Stimulus
Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTOR Pat Ondaback Thursday, 03 November 2011
In a bold new move to publically seem like it's more important that it is, The Steamboat Pirate and Yesterday created a new award for economic stimulus and subsequently gave the award to The Steamboat Pirate and Yesterday. 
An unnamed homeless man cleans windshields with copies of The Pirate & Yesterday outside a local convenience store.
The award was created based on the theory that bums use newspapers to clean car windows at intersections for money. With the 9,000 copies of the Pirate and Yesterday littering the streets, the award, according to those who created it and gave it to themselves, was a "no-brainer."
Staff writer Wine Jackstein was overheard saying, "Who reads this crap? It's good for picking up doggy piles and cleaning windows, and only barely at that." After Jackstein was fired and sent out into the streets, he was spotted using copies of the Pirate and Yesterday to clean motorist's windows on the corner of 7th and Lincoln.
In a ceremony attended by way more than ten people (including Michael David), President and Overseer of All, Brian Harvey, stated, "We have created more jobs by doing nothing than anyone in the valley. Nobody can prove me wrong, right? We earned this award, even though we created it!"
Feeling good about themselves, Pirate staff decided to create more awards to present to themselves in the very near future. Sports writer Graham Cracker commented, "It's like pro sports. When a team gets a trophy, it feels like getting more trophies. Since we're the only team in town, we deserve a lot of trophies."
Steamboat Legalizes Medicinal Bicycles
Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTOR Rider High Monday, 19 September 2011
In a recent study published by the AMA, riding a bicycle was found to give users remarkable health benefits and greatly reduce the likelihood of obesity in children and adults.
Pharmaceutical-grade Medicinal Bicycles include a large collection of "green" options. Some card carriers, however, found some of the bicycles (left and right) "too trippy" to be ridden in their current state of mind.
In a move to corner the new market of medical bicycles, pharmaceutical company Pfizer purchased all patents on bicycle frames and parts worldwide and successfully lobbied politicians to pass a law requiring every Coloradoan to apply for a medical bike card. An executive from Pfizer, Phill Bowles said, "It is our belief that the medicalization of bicycles will transform peoples' idea of exercise entirely." He went on to state, "They will think of exercise as a drug, and that will make them want it more and more, just like all good drugs do."
Steamboat Springs City Council unanimously passed a town ordinance to legalize medical bike use and required that all bike stores apply for a license to sell the now pharmaceutical-grade bicycles.
Steamboat Springs has recently billed itself Bike Town U.S.A. and believes that Medical Bikes will propel the summer tourism to a new high. However, because of the...
Young Oracle Predicts Future in Unique Way
Written by GUEST OVERSEAS CONTRIBUTOR Pat Choulie Monday, 15 August 2011
As the year 2012 approaches, many people are thinking about the
Mayan calendar and the predictions of Nostradamus. Not many
Americans, however, have heard of a gifted young seer, now living
in northwest Germany, whose unique method of predicting the future
utilizes his finger and his nose. 
The Pirate can't believe it's posting this cutesy story about a cutesy kid, but it did come from an dear friend currently overseas. Here's lookin' at you, Nostrildamus.
He is known as Nostrildamus, and, at the tender age of 19 months, he already has thousands of adherents. The current Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, has sought out his advice. Nostrildamus has also been named official oracle of the Green Party.
Humble and soft-spoken, Nostrildamus performs his readings of boogers and answers questions from the comfort of his high chair. Yes/no questions are answered simply by either putting the index finger of his right hand in his right nostril for yes, and the index finger of his left hand in his left nostril for no. If he puts the index finger of his right hand in his left nostril, it means his diaper needs changing. Left index finger in the right nostril, it's a blowout.
The booger readings are varied and complex. The best time to see Nostrildamus for a booger reading is immediately after he bathes. Some of the signs he uses in his readings are...
New Traffic-Signal Timers Solve Downtown Parking Problem
Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTOR Dick Deep Thursday, 04 August 2011
Locating parking spots downtown, long a problem in Steamboat
Springs, has been made much easier with the addition of the five
now-parked traffic lanes of U.S. Highway 40. The asphalt lanes were
replaced with concrete last year and, as part of the $5.6 million
project, new signals were installed. A traffic-engineering firm in
Denver was contracted by the city to coordinate the devices to
achieve optimal lack of flow.
To bring in more revenue, Steamboat Springs worked with traffic-signal regulators to create several lanes of metered downtown parking.
"We are absolutely amazed at the efficiency," gushed Bean Bell, Steamboat Springs city engineer. "We were told at the outset that achieving complete gridlock--without cross-traffic signals thrown into the mix--was an impossible dream, but here, it's reality.
"And now, with CDOT installing fiber optics, we will be able to pinpoint vehicles that have been motionless for hours and quickly dispatch code-enforcement officers to issue parking tickets," added Bell.
Parking fines are not the only monies filling city coffers thanks to the new signals; sales taxes also are up.
"Downtown is booming, even through the shoulder seasons," said Trashy Barnyard of Lame Street Steamboat. "People are buying food, drinks and new clothes as the kids grow out of them, when they'd normally just be...
Read more: New Traffic-Signal Timers Solve Downtown Parking Problem
Bankruptuary Homeowners Getting Fracked
Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTOR Ekim Kuab Friday, 08 July 2011
With real estate prices in flux, homeowners in The Bankruptuary development of Steamboat Springs have found their "knight in shining armor." Natural-gas industry surveyors have found a huge potential for extraction right under their feet and are moving forward to secure the properties and begin fracking the land within the month. Bankruptuary homeowners are as relieved as if they just shit themselves.
The Bankruptuary development is turning to natural-gas fracking to get some return on their lost investments. Although home prices may not spike, town STD levels will.Nestled in a quiet hollow alongside a golf course, most
Bankruptuary residents have wanted to sell their properties shortly
after purchase, due to how extremely cold it gets seven months out
of the year.
"The sun hits my roof for about 10 minutes a day, a few months a year," stated Karl Carlington, a second homeowner turned full timer due to the economy going south. "I can't wait to dump this turkey of a house."
Now with 67 percent of Bankruptuary homes up for sale, "the development is ripe for the pickin's" laughed Arland "Gus" Mutent, president of Frackin' A*, Tennessee's largest natural-gas extraction company. "We can git the rest of the owners to jus' leave after their water starts...
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