Bankruptuary Homeowners Getting Fracked

Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTOR Ekim Kuab Friday, 08 July 2011

With real estate prices in flux, homeowners in The Bankruptuary development of Steamboat Springs have found their "knight in shining armor." Natural-gas industry surveyors have found a huge potential for extraction right under their feet and are moving forward to secure the properties and begin fracking the land within the month. Bankruptuary homeowners are as relieved as if they just shit themselves.

The Bankruptuary development is turning to natural-gas fracking to get some return on their lost investments. Although home prices may not spike, town STD levels will.Nestled in a quiet hollow alongside a golf course, most Bankruptuary residents have wanted to sell their properties shortly after purchase, due to how extremely cold it gets seven months out of the year.

"The sun hits my roof for about 10 minutes a day, a few months a year," stated Karl Carlington, a second homeowner turned full timer due to the economy going south. "I can't wait to dump this turkey of a house."

Now with 67 percent of Bankruptuary homes up for sale, "the development is ripe for the pickin's" laughed Arland "Gus" Mutent, president of Frackin' A*, Tennessee's largest natural-gas extraction company. "We can git the rest of the owners to jus' leave after their water starts tastin' funny and the crews all hang aroun' after hours. Ya know those boys don't smell too good after a few days, HA HA."

Although there's still heated debate, many citizens are concerned about how gas fracking seems to have a negative impact on the environment, damages local water supplies, stresses farm lands, divides communities, increases STDs 400 percent to local populations, drains liquor stores dry and increases the use of the word Lorax in conversations as well as online stories.

Mutent has been at the forefront of the natural-gas controversy for the last decade, claiming that neither his speech impediments, occasional violent shakes or sloughing skin on the left side of his face have anything to do with the effects of his demonstrations of drinking a glass of natural gas every time someone challenges him. "It's from nature, and nature is good for ya!" Mutent was heard saying while choking down the last swallow behind the closed-door session of Steamboat City Council on Monday.

City Council has had to hold closed-door sessions to actually hear what the Frackin' A* representatives had to say due to the hundreds of people inside and outside several buildings and alleys surrounding the late-night meetings, loudly protesting against fracking.

"We still think both sides need to be heard, so we can get the full story on this issue," said Council President Scari Helmetheadski. "Just because one side seems to have all the people on it, that doesn't mean there aren't two sides. And without two sides, you can't have an argument. And what's government without argument, so we need to listen to both sides before siding with Big Business."