Business

Oscar Mayer Changes Slogan, Abandons Wiener Name

Written by Frank N. Beans Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Due to continuing backlash caused by the online sexual exploits of former House Representative Anthony Weiner and current New York City mayoral candidate, processed-meat giant Oscar Mayer has unceremoniously dropped the word wiener, which is spelled differently but pronounced the same, from its products and slogans.

Due to a negative perception of the word wiener caused by a recent political scandal, Oscar Mayer changed all of its iconic marketing to strip out the offending word, including for the newly named Penis-Shaped Meatmobile."Thanks to one sleazy politician, the word wiener has been tarnished to the point that we can't associate with it anymore," said company spokesperson Beau Lonie. "Now all you hear is 'Weiner sucks' or 'that Weiner is disgusting,' and that's not in line with Oscar Mayer products."

To help prevent small children or juvenile men from giggling at every mention of wiener, the hot dog's famous jingle has been changed to incorporate the product's new name:

I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Penis-Shaped Meat
That is what I'd truly like to be
'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer Penis-Shaped Meat
Everyone would be in love with me.

"We feel that Oscar Mayer Penis-Shaped Meat is more dignified than the now-maligned wiener name," added Louie. "We...

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American Girl Now Selling Real Girls to Match their Dolls

Written by Barbie Woodcry Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Building off the astonishingly successful selling of matching outfits for American Girl dolls and the young girls who own them, the seller of equally astonishingly high-priced dolls has announced a new product: girls who match successful doll models.

"It's just a natural eFor only $200,000, tasteful and refined would-be parents can adopt a real girl to match their American Girl dolls. The children come with matching outfits, pre-programmed manors, an adorable accent of parents' choice and a permanent desire to have whatever they want at all times, regardless of cost or need.xtension of our product line," says Marie Grace, senior marketing executive for the new Real Girl line of real girls. "Parents who can afford our dolls absolutely adored seeing their children in matching outfits with their playthings. It was unfair to exclude that kind of parent-imposed joy from those who don't have real children of their own. So if you're an upper-middle-class control freak, and want a child to match one of our dolls, we can supply that product to you."

The initial product launch is expected to include best-selling dolls such as McKenna in her tennis outfit, Ruthie in the always-adorable pink-and-black plaid outfit (with matching tea set), Julie in the popular non-edgy skateboarding outfit and Emily in a purple-flower sun dress. The dolls in this line...

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Toyota President Commits Harry Caray, Having Trouble with Accent

Written by Speedy Prius Tuesday, 06 April 2010

In response to Toyota's humiliating and costly design errors that led to a massive recall of its vehicles, Toyota President Akio Toyoda chose to save face in the traditional Japanese manner and commit Harry Caray.

The embattled CEO, who only took charge of the automotive giant in June 2009, quickly donned a pair of oversized, overmagnified dark-rimmed glasses and belted out a particularly horrible version of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."

Immediately after committing Harry Caray, Toyota President Akio Toyoda screamed "Hory Cow! Cubs Win!"

"Buy me some peanut and a crak-a-jack," he sort-of sang between taking fake swigs from a jumbo-sized empty canteen. "I do no care if I neva get back!"

Toyoda was repeatedly questioned on how acting like the deceased and revered sports broadcaster would help the automaker restore it's tarnished image, Toyoda repeatedly replied with a slurred, "Cubs Win! Cubs Win! I'm-a Harry Caray! Cubs Win!"

When informed that the actual ritual for saving face in Japan is hari kari, which entails disemboweling oneself quietly before someone chops your head off with a Samurai sword, Toyoda said, "Seriousry? That freakin' nuts!"

"Why would I do dat?" he asked. "I have rich monies and powah, and this bro over soon. Akio be back to snorting cocaine off-a hooker hooters in Macau in no time. Dishembowah? Good one!

"Or as Harry Caray say, 'Get outta here!'" he added in what is truly a terrible impersonation.

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Toyota Can't Get Trunk to Close, Offering Bungee Chords

Written by Bill Ditcrappy Sunday, 04 April 2010

As a public-service announcement for its customers, Toyota engineers admitted that they can't seem to get their new-model Camry's trunks to close, no matter what they try.

"We're very disappointed with ourselves right now," admitted Daisuke Itdontworka, Toyota's lead engineer. "We've tried slamming it shut, wiggling the latch, pressing the trunk button several times ... nothing works."

Because they couldn't get the trunk to latch, Toyota introduced its new "adjustable-trunk model," complete with free bungee chords.

To resolve the matter, Itdontworka said Toyota will provide two bungee chords with the sale of each Camry as well as an instruction manual on how to secure the trunk with the chords.

"We've worked very hard to fix this trunk problem, without actually fixing it," he explained. "Rigged properly, there shouldn't be more than a two-inch gap in the trunk, and there should be only minimal banging noises."

Toyota also is planning to market their new "adjustable trunks" as a desirable feature.

"Other cars come with a fixed-sized trunk," noted Itdontworka. "But Toyota trunks, with the innovative bungee technology, can be adjusted for larger than capacity loads. That's real innovation. That's Toyota engineering."

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Oprah Sues Obama fo*r Trademark Infringement

Written by Duke Caucus Tuesday, 11 November 2008

O*prah Winfrey, the TV talk-sho*w ho*st turned multimedia billio*naire, filed a lawsuit in a Chicago* district co*urt alleging that presidential candidate Barack O*bama has vio*lated her exclusive trademark o*f the letter "O*."

Television mo*gul O*prah Winfrey to*o*k o*ffense to* anyone using the letter O* without her permissio*n, even the candidate she stro*ngly suppo*rts fo*r the national electio*n.

In a written statement, Winfrey acknowledges that she had mixed feeling abo*ut the lawsuit.

"Barack is my guy, and I'm suppo*rting him co*mpletely in his bid fo*r the White House. I can't stress that eno*ugh. Ho*wever, I felt that it was just as impo*rtant to* pro*tect my business and the vario*us elements o*f my empire. And the mo*st impo*rtant element is the letter 'O*.'

"I was ho*ping to* no*t have to* seek legal action, but when I saw his o*wn 'O*' lo*go*, I knew I had to* act, just as I have with every previous case o*f trademark infringement,"

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