Worldly News

Boy Scouts' Gay Ban Overturned, Makeover Consultant to Unveil New Branding with Better Fashion Sense

Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTORS Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick Saturday, 01 June 2013

GRAPEVINE, Texas -- The Boy Scouts of America (BSA) voted recently to end its controversial policy banning gay boys and teens from membership. The policy change will go into effect Jan. 1, 2014, "allowing the Boy Scouts of America the transition time needed to communicate and implement this policy to its approximately 116,000 Scouting units," the BSA said in a statement.Until the new Armani-based Boy Scout uniform is unveiled in Paris later in 2013, gay scouts can choose to wear the new "Fabulous" Merit badge (left) or adopt a complete transgender look (right). Click on image to enlarge.

"It blew me away to realize we were so behind the times," said BSA Membership Chairman Craven Morehead. "The bottom line is we've got to stop going down the same old dirt road. If we look beyond our own backyard, maybe we can change our luck and attract new members." To that end, BSA hired corporate makeover consultant Richard Lavender to rebrand the Boy Scouts for the 21st Century.

Lavender addressed a crowd outside a Dairy Queen in Grapevine. "We are going to flip the scouting world back to front, switching everything around. We have already laid the groundwork for our new merit badges: fashion design, wedding planning, interior decorating and basket weaving. These sweeping changes will have a...

Women in combat: What do you think?

Written by Guest Contributor Opie Inyun Tuesday, 05 March 2013

Opinion Poll

Recently there has been talk of lifting the ban on women in combat. The Pirate interviewed people on the street, both military and civilian, to see what they think.

Women in combat: What do you think?

Doug and Phillip UpdeGraive, UpdeGraive Funeral Homes

"It could possibly bring in more business for our business, so we're for it, I guess."

Lieutenant Al B. Dammid

"I could see there being a rise in necrophilia amongst our fine young men. We can't tempt them; they must stay focused. I am against it."

Lois Morales, City Council

"I adamantly oppose this motion. I repeat, adamantly oppose this motion! If we send all of our assault weapons abroad, who's gonna be here?"

Romney Defends 47%, Claims Corporate America Real Victim

Written by Chris Salmon Monday, 24 September 2012

Mitt Romney, during a campaign stop in Albuquerque, N.M., made his first real defense of his now-famous "47%" remark.

A crowd of corporations gathered to show support for the Mitt Romney speech in New Mexico. "He's got our back, and we've got his," said one supporter/corporation.

"I'm just being realistic," said the Republican candidate for President. "We can't afford government handouts like school-lunch programs when the budget is as tight as it is. You have to make some hard choices. Corporate America, our country's job creator, is hurting. These engines of our great economy depend on huge government tax deductions, loopholes, low-cost government loans, government farm subsidies, and other necessary policies. That's the way it's always been. It's part of their business plan!

"In fact, Corporate America is the real victim here--always has been," continued Romney. "Corporate America created millions of jobs, and some of them are even here in the United States! Take General Electric, for example. They made $14.2 billion in profits last year. What thanks did GE get for their success? The government slapped them with a whopping 3% income tax! Plus safety regulations! Design standards! Minimum wage and labor laws, you name it!"

Romney began visibly weeping as the topic clearly touched into an area that's truly important to him.

"Why punish...

GOP Primary Recap: Romney Outlasts Not Romneys

Written by Hank Goditsover Monday, 04 June 2012

After the last Not Romney candidates suspended their campaigns in mid-May 2012, Mitt Romney finally started to consistently win primaries in the Republican Presidential contest. He impressively swept both the Arkansas and Kentucky primaries, although he did split delegates with three non-candidates in Texas.The 2012 Republican Primary featured a "who's who" of crazies, sexists, hypocrites and, most importantly, Not Romneys. They will be missed.

Campaign spokesman Eytok Slot, while acknowledging the tough job ahead, stated: "By being unopposed in the all the last contests, we're hoping we can build the kind of momentum that will keep voters from selecting people who aren't running."

It has been a long and tumultuous primary season, with Mitt Romney launching his 2012 bid on Nov. 5, 2008. His frontrunner status was challenged many times.

Early on, former governors Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee as well as birther celebrity Donald Trump, none of whom formally announced their candidacy, constantly challenged him. By spring 2011, the field had grown and become more contentious with one Not Romney after another rising and then falling in the GOP rank and file's favor.

First, after winning the Ames, Iowa, straw poll, Batshit Crazy Not Romney surged far ahead of the presumptive nominee in most national polls...

Barney Throws Hat in Ring, Becomes GOP Frontrunner

Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTOR Winny Bydefault Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Barney, the lovable purple dinosaur, announced last week that he was joining the race to be the Republican presidential candidate.Barney the Purple Dinosaur was the latest entry into the GOP presidential race. Predictably, he's now the obvious frontrunner, with voters respecting his superior intellect and debate prowess, compared to his competition.

"Oh boy, oh boy, I'm so glad you came to play today," giggled Barney to an assembly of loyal constituents.

As the week went on, and the Barney campaign gained momentum, the polka-dotted dinosaur dominated the most recent Republican debate. Clearly articulating his plan for economic recovery, "1-2-3," Barney explained, "It's as easy as A-B-C."

Although he was widely touted as injecting a high level of intellect and critical thinking into the debate, the real coup de grâce came when Barney brought compassion back to the party, as he led an auditorium-wide sing-a-long of his signature song. The audience, minutes before cheering the deaths of those without healthcare, turned abruptly to singing, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy GOP."

However, to retain the Tea Party constituency, compassion did have to make some concessions. The lead-in quote on the campaign Web site now reads, "I love you, except for gays, liberals and Obama."

Steve Doochey, the co-host of Fox & Friends, summed up the thinking of most Republicans backing the Barney campaign, "Thank God we don't have to choose between a Mormon and a black man anymore."