GOP Primary Recap: Romney Outlasts Not Romneys

Written by Hank Goditsover Monday, 04 June 2012

After the last Not Romney candidates suspended their campaigns in mid-May 2012, Mitt Romney finally started to consistently win primaries in the Republican Presidential contest. He impressively swept both the Arkansas and Kentucky primaries, although he did split delegates with three non-candidates in Texas.The 2012 Republican Primary featured a "who's who" of crazies, sexists, hypocrites and, most importantly, Not Romneys. They will be missed.

Campaign spokesman Eytok Slot, while acknowledging the tough job ahead, stated: "By being unopposed in the all the last contests, we're hoping we can build the kind of momentum that will keep voters from selecting people who aren't running."

It has been a long and tumultuous primary season, with Mitt Romney launching his 2012 bid on Nov. 5, 2008. His frontrunner status was challenged many times.

Early on, former governors Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee as well as birther celebrity Donald Trump, none of whom formally announced their candidacy, constantly challenged him. By spring 2011, the field had grown and become more contentious with one Not Romney after another rising and then falling in the GOP rank and file's favor.

First, after winning the Ames, Iowa, straw poll, Batshit Crazy Not Romney surged far ahead of the presumptive nominee in most national polls. And then when she was taken seriously as a contender, and people actually began to listen to what she was saying, she dropped just as dramatically. Batshit suspended her campaign after finishing a humiliating sixth out of six in caucuses with the same Iowa voters.

Next, Guv Hick Not Romney caught the rights' fancy upon joining the semi-weekly debates in fall 2011. Again, this candidate was undone by his newfound popularity as people began watching his attempts to have a complete thought and speak.

After Guv Hick's fall, Lothario Not Romney quickly took his turn as the Not Romney of choice. He was unable to shake sexual allegations that arose (it's rumored that the 1989 film "Loverboy" was based on his early career with Godfather's Pizza), and Lothario withdrew from the race before the first vote was cast. Guv Hick and I'm Mormon But Not Romney both left the race after the New Hampshire Primary.
     
After New Hampshire, Hasbeen Not Romney was able to galvanize conservative voters by remaining in the race and being Not Romney. He defeated Romney in South Carolina during this time, as well as winning in his home state of Georgia. His star quickly faded, however, after Hasbeen unveiled his plans for space colonization. He had limped along since that time before "mothballing" his campaign on May 2, 2012.
     
Finally, He-Man Woman-Hater Not Romney surged ahead in polls and some caucuses and primaries. But his rise was unsustainable as it became apparent that women actually represent half of voters and were not receptive of his regressive views. He-Man suspended his campaign on April 10, 2012, after losing in Wisconsin a week earlier.

Through shrewd maneuvering, Anarchist Not Romney was never able to mount a serious challenge to the inevitable nominee and therefore has remained in the race for the Republican nomination. Although it's worth noting that in Virginia, when Anarchist was the only Not Romney candidate, he did garner 40 percent of the vote. He currently has 96 bound delegates and is pursuing more in state conventions, while suspending his campaign in states that have yet to hold their primaries.
     
After Romney's win in the Texas Primary, Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus declared him the presumptive nominee, hoping to "if not solidify, at least coagulate some support for Romney before the National Convention."

It has been reported that the Romney camp now is looking solidly at the general election. With an eye toward November, spokesman Slot said, "We hope to gain more support among the general population as Election Day draws closer and we introduce the eventual nominee to them. Because, above all else, Mitt Romney is Not Obama."