Romney Defends 47%, Claims Corporate America Real Victim

Written by Chris Salmon Monday, 24 September 2012

Mitt Romney, during a campaign stop in Albuquerque, N.M., made his first real defense of his now-famous "47%" remark.

A crowd of corporations gathered to show support for the Mitt Romney speech in New Mexico. "He's got our back, and we've got his," said one supporter/corporation.

"I'm just being realistic," said the Republican candidate for President. "We can't afford government handouts like school-lunch programs when the budget is as tight as it is. You have to make some hard choices. Corporate America, our country's job creator, is hurting. These engines of our great economy depend on huge government tax deductions, loopholes, low-cost government loans, government farm subsidies, and other necessary policies. That's the way it's always been. It's part of their business plan!

"In fact, Corporate America is the real victim here--always has been," continued Romney. "Corporate America created millions of jobs, and some of them are even here in the United States! Take General Electric, for example. They made $14.2 billion in profits last year. What thanks did GE get for their success? The government slapped them with a whopping 3% income tax! Plus safety regulations! Design standards! Minimum wage and labor laws, you name it!"

Romney began visibly weeping as the topic clearly touched into an area that's truly important to him.

"Why punish the successful with crippling taxes and regulations? The government is taxing our nation's job creators to death! How can companies like GE survive in this hostile economic environment?"

After a brief pause to gather himself, Romney looked into the audience, his gaze finally setting on some construction workers who were building a school nearby.

"If anyone needs to be punished with higher taxes, it's the slackers and losers of this country," he continued, possibly pointing at the people who were working on a Sunday to build something with their own hands. "People who earn so little, all their taxes are taken out of their paychecks. They are so lazy they don't even have a tax bracket! Teachers. Policemen. Firefighters. College students. Retired people. Laborers. Minimum-wage workers. Those aren't the Americans I know!

Looking pleased with himself, Romney closed his prepared speech with the following:

"America's responsibility is not to care for these leeches who refuse to earn enough to even have a tax rate! No, America's responsibility is to cultivate its most precious resource: capitalism. And big business is capitalism at its best! Big business is entitled to the abolishment of these socialist taxes and regulations! The government should give it to them!

"Now if my accountants find me a tax deduction, I think I'm entitled to keep that hard-earned money in any offshore account I please! Caymans, Channel Islands, Luxembourg, Switzerland, wherever! Vote for me and take America back!"

The crowd at the Bank of Albuquerque Tower was mixed, with many vocal supporters from both camps. "I'm voting for Romney," said 78-year-old Barb Wire. "Obama wants to get the government involved in everything. That scares me. Romney will protect me, and keep the government's hands off my Medicare and Social Security."