Steamboat Pirate and Yesterday Presents Itself with Award for Economic Stimulus

Written by GUEST CONTRIBUTOR Pat Ondaback Thursday, 03 November 2011

In a bold new move to publically seem like it's more important that it is, The Steamboat Pirate and Yesterday created a new award for economic stimulus and subsequently gave the award to The Steamboat Pirate and Yesterday. An unnamed homeless man cleans windshields with copies of The Pirate & Yesterday outside a local convenience store.

The award was created based on the theory that bums use newspapers to clean car windows at intersections for money. With the 9,000 copies of the Pirate and Yesterday littering the streets, the award, according to those who created it and gave it to themselves, was a "no-brainer."

Staff writer Wine Jackstein was overheard saying, "Who reads this crap? It's good for picking up doggy piles and cleaning windows, and only barely at that." After Jackstein was fired and sent out into the streets, he was spotted using copies of the Pirate and Yesterday to clean motorist's windows on the corner of 7th and Lincoln.

In a ceremony attended by way more than ten people (including Michael David), President and Overseer of All, Brian Harvey, stated, "We have created more jobs by doing nothing than anyone in the valley. Nobody can prove me wrong, right? We earned this award, even though we created it!"

Feeling good about themselves, Pirate staff decided to create more awards to present to themselves in the very near future. Sports writer Graham Cracker commented, "It's like pro sports. When a team gets a trophy, it feels like getting more trophies. Since we're the only team in town, we deserve a lot of trophies."