Sasquatch Sightings in Routt County Investigated

Written by Harry Toes Tuesday, 04 September 2012

Responding to several recent reports of a tall, broad-shouldered, disproportionately long-limbed creature--including one of a being covered in matted, black hair driving a Subaru--the team from Animal Planet's Finding Bigfoot arrived in Steamboat Springs last Tuesday.This grainy photograph was originally thought to capture evidence of a Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, in the Routt County National Forest. Upon further investigation, the dirty and hairy humanoid turned out to be a harmless hippy.

"Squatches aren't known to drive Subarus," noted James "Bobo" Fay, collector of anecdotal lore for Finding Bigfoot. "But they do appreciate all-wheel drive."

Hand-picked for the mission, a group of local hunters led the research team and camera crew deep into national forest Wednesday morning. The suspected Squatches were believed to have migrated from California into the Western Slope, fleeing habitat encroachment on the coast.

"We followed a knocking sound about five miles into the wilderness northeast of Clark," relayed one hunter. "As the noise got louder, the Finding Bigfoot team got really excited, because an increasingly rank smell started to waft over us. I guess Squatches are said to be associated with a pervasive odor. But the closer we got, the more we were able to tell that the stench was laced with patchouli and marijuana."

Stumbling across a small clearing and a Big Agnes tent, the expedition discovered that the suspected Yeti was just a really dirty hippie. The knocking sound was identified as an errant hula hoop repeatedly striking the nearby pines.

The hippie identified himself as as Jethro RainbowWarrior, a fire dancer from California camping on National Forest land. "I was in town to pick up some Dr. Bronner's when I saw the reports of the Sasquatch sightings in the Pirate and realized that it was actually me. I meant to call in to identify myself on my next town trip."

Said Ranae Holland, scientist for the team, "At least we know our California migration theory still stands."