Entertainment

Cruise Liners Long for Glory Days as Lame, Non-Experience for Old People

Written by Carnie Val Monday, 13 February 2012

Rocked by the negative press of a cruise ship that wrecked off the coast of Italy and other recent "unpleasantries," the Cruise Line Association of the Pacific (The CLAP) launched a massive PR campaign to persuade potential passengers that sailing on a cruise ship is neither dangerous nor life-altering in any way.Hoping to stem a dropoff in passenger numbers due to recent cruise ship "mishaps" (left), the industry is fighting back with a PR campaign focused on reminding potential passengers that a cruise ship vacation is just as safe and bland as they expect it to be (right).

"Sailing on a beautiful, over-engineered cruise ship is just as safe and bland as a walk through a shopping mall," noted Carrie Beann, spokesperson for The CLAP. "You have a much higher chance of being killed driving to your local, corporate coffee shop. You also would have a better chance of seeing something authentic about the area you are visiting. As long as the captain isn't a drunken weasel of a man, cruise vacations are still the best way to gorge yourself on prime rib and tiramisu buffets in...

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ABC Introduces New Spinoff: Synchronized Diving with the Stars

Written by Hugh Mongus Splash Friday, 04 November 2011

To capitalize on the continued success of Dancing with the Stars, ABC unveiled the newest member of the franchise, Synchronized Diving with the Stars. The new show pairs celebrities with an Olympic synchronized diver, who has one week to teach the sort-of-famous person that week's diving routine.The inaugural season of Synchronized Diving with the Stars will feature reality TV darling Kirstie Alley, who attempts to land a triple-twisting pike with her Chinese diving partner, Shi Ska Ri.

"If there's one thing we know at ABC," said Aaron B. Cartwright, an executive programmer for ABC, "is that America loves watching shows that show D-list celebrities doing things they're too lazy to do themselves. And if you throw in some flamboyant and obnoxious judges, you've got yourself a goldmine. And that's just what we have with Synchronized Diving with the Stars!"

Cartwright noted that the first season will include such vaguely familiar faces as Keenen Ivory Wayans, the fat guy from Lost, Kirstie Alley and a yet-to-be-named football player who will win. The ensemble cast of ridiculous-sounding judges will include the Chocolate Rain YouTube-sensation guy, someone gay and Smurfette, the first animated judge in reality-television history.

"It's guaranteed to be a smash hit," added Cartwright. "Just wait until you see these stars doing backflips from the 30-meter board. You'll be so glad you never leave your couch! And Smurfette judging! Come on! How Smurferiffic is that?"

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Struggling Oprah Unveils New Urban-Wizard Line of Books and Movies

Written by Rip Hoff de Brit Friday, 14 October 2011

Frustrated that Harry Potter writer J.K. Rowling has been challenging her role as the most successful and famous woman in the world (outside of Hollywood), and that her new Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) has been struggling, Oprah announced that she will be introducing her own line of urban-wizard-based fiction in early 2012.Oprah Winfrey's new book, Oprah's Gary Kotter and the Deadly Projects, details the life and trials of a young boy who must learn the art of voodoo, with the help of his two best friends, to defeat the evil Hag Rowlingmort. Any resemblance to the Harry Potter series is strictly a coincidence, notes Winfrey.

"If that pompous Brit can make a fortune telling whacked-out kiddie tales, you know I can do that," noted Winfrey. "And I'll do it better, with my own Oprah flair. I'm going to start the series with 'Oprah's Gary Kotter and the Deadly Projects,' which will take place in a mystical land called ChicagWarts, and feature all kinds of enchanted characters and witchery."

Winfrey plans to write the book and movie script at the same time, ensuring that her new franchise is as hastily put together as possible. The movie, when finished, will be exclusively shown on OWN, giving her audience of 456 people some original, non-Oprah-based programming.

According to a leaked copy of the first book's draft, young Gary...

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Modern Medical Miracle Monday: Help For The Unhip

Written by Dick Swett Friday, 04 April 2008

In a packed conference room at the Ski Town Medical Center on a gorgeous late winter day, Director of Public Outreach and Patient Inreach Pristine McGillicutty stepped up to the podium, looking stunning, and stunned the audience with a stunning announcement.

"S.T.M.C. has long been a leader in cutting edge surgical procedures. Today, we are pleased to announce the successful completion of the world's first hipness replacement. Now, for the first time, aging ski bums who have settled into a somewhat humdrum existence as teachers, lawyers and real estate brokers can restore the spark of days gone by with this simple yet complex operation. Now, I'd like to introduce the chief surgeon on our hipness replacement team, Dr. Ken U. Diggitt. Dr. Diggett." "Thank you, Pristine. At this time, we'd like to open up the floor for questions. Yes, the gentleman with the tacky combover."

Dr. Diggitt and his surgical team work to replace the hipness of a middle-aged ski bum.

Question: What can you tell us about this first hipness replacement patient?

Dr. Ken U. Diggitt: Well, the patient is male, mid-fifties, who came to town thirty years ago to ski. He worked in restaurants and as a ski rental tech and went out to the bars 365 nights a year. At...

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Father of Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Determined

Written by Carmen "Baby" Lightmyfire Wednesday, 04 April 2007

The mystery over who is the father of former stripper, Playboy Cover Girl, reality TV star and now dead heiress Anna Nicole Smith's five month old daughter is over. When baby Dannielynn began cooing "ob-la-di, ob-la-da" from her crib, all eyes turned to legendary sound man and rock burnout Rocky Balzearo, who was covering the custody hearings for Pirate News.

Rock burnout Rocky Balearo was found to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's newest child.

Mr. Balzearo at first denied being the baby's father. "Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself," he said. Mr. Balzearo was obviously bothered by the crush of reporters who surrounded him, saying, "Please don't stand so close to me." He hesitated to undergo DNA testing, protesting, "I'm not a number. Dammit, I'm a man." When it was affirmed that Mr. Balzearo was sound technician for the Skinemax special, "Anna Nicole and the Seven Dwarfs," filmed in late 2005, nine months before baby Dannielynn's birth and witnesses attested to the fact that Mr. Balzearo and Miss Smith were often seen together on and off the set, Mr. Balzearo...

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