Mars Rover Loses 'America's Got Talent' Final to Dog Rover Whose Bark Sorta Sounds Like 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'
Written by Mary Canculture Sunday, 02 December 2012
In a surprising blowout finale, Mars Rover Curiosity, the NASA robot that traveled 350 million miles to the planet Mars, descended through the atmosphere at 3.6 miles per second, landed 1.5 miles from its exact intended destination and then has proceeded to take samples, measurements and photographs of an entirely different planet, lost convincingly to "Rover," a four-year-old Pekingese who can make a barking noise that somewhat resembles Baha Men's classic line "Who Let the Dogs Out?"
"Although I have respect for what the Mars Rover has done, and it's certainly cool in a 'sciency' kind of way, it just couldn't compete with the God-given talent that Rover displayed for our audience worldwide," said Howie Mandel, a judge initially famous for inflating a plastic glove on his head. "The first time I heard that distinctive bark, perfectly timed to the background music, it was over for me. Rover has what it takes to be a celebrity icon in this country, and some 'whiz-bang' mechanical vacuum cleaner just can't compete with that kind of star power."
NASA scientists were obviously disappointed in the voting results, as they had spent eight years and $2.5 billion on their Rover. Fortunately, being dorky big-brained scientists without much social lives, they were used to rejection from mainstream America.
"It felt like high school all over again," said Eugene Notspread, chief scientist on the project. "Despite the fact that I have three different PhDs, am an actual 'rocket scientist' and built something that now roams a different planet, the 'cool kids' that watch reality TV and text in votes for or against those actually doing somthing still think we're all losers. I guess I'll never understand actual people."
As a reward for its victory, Rover the dog will spend the next year as a highly paid act on the Las Vegas Strip, performing his stirring rendition of the classic refrain twice a night for tourists shelling out $150 or more per ticket. Rover also is guaranteed a lifetime supply of Beggin Strips, which are universally known to fool dogs into believing they're actually bacon, although they aren't bacon. After completion of the year on Vegas, Rover will be "put out to stud," where he will be paid handsomely to impregnate female dogs with hopes that any puppies will inherit the Baha Men-mimicking gene.
"Great," added Notspread. "The stupid dog is going to get laid more often than our entire NASA division. That seems fair. As Yakov Smirnoff would say, 'What a country!'"