Following Basketball Playbook, Kentucky to become Two-Year College

Written by Kat Wilde Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Inspired by the school's successful men's basketball program, which recently won the NCAA National Championship, the University of Kentucky announced that starting next year it will become a solely two-year college and will no longer offer four-year degrees of anything.Building off its successful basketball blueprint, the University of Kentucky announced that it will only offer students a chance to attend the school for a maximum of two years, thus taking the pressure off of any basketball player suffering from the not-likely-to-make-the-NBA label of "senior." One of the most popular new non-NBA Finishing School Degree is "Big Styrofoam Hand Waving," considered a potentially booming industry in the new economy.

"What we learned from our basketball team is that two years is more than enough to prepare someone to make millions of dollars in the 'real world,'" said University Dean Dean University. "Heck, our most successful former students only needed one year at Kentucky to learn the tools of their trade and make a lot of money in the NBA. So any other student should easily be able to get what they need from Kentucky in two years or less."

Ditching what the university considers "antiquated labels," the common references of freshman, sophomore, junior and senior will be replaced by first-year students being called either "Lottery Picks" or "Borderline First Rounders," depending on their perceived aptitude at whatever they are studying. Any student who actually sees their second year at Kentucky will be called "Needed More Maturity" or "Benchwarming Scrub." It's believed that all "Benchwarming Scrubs" will be required to boost the overall GPA team average of the Lottery Picks, so that all athlete-students maintain their eligibility to win games and then move on to riches and glorious lifestyles.

Although the transition will be seamless for anyone on the Kentucky basketball team, the new degrees and titles will take some getting used to for more-traditional students. For example, Allen Sawchuk, this year a freshman studying for a four-year degree in Accounting, will next year be a "Needed More Maturity" in his two-year degree of "Giving and Receiving Change."

"I guess it will work out in the end," noted Sawchuk, proudly wearing his blue Kentucky basketball championship sweatshirt. "It looks like I only have to take two classes next year: 'Breaking a 50-Dollar Bill' and 'Pennies: Are They Underappreciated?' Then my counselor says I'll be more than ready for a successful, million-dollar-making career with my Kentucky training."

Sawchuk's counselor, Lottery Pick Anthony Davis, the upcoming No. 1 pick in the next NBA draft, noted that he was misheard by his fellow student.

"I said 'I'm' going to make millions of dollars after completing my one year at Kentucky's NBA Finishing School Program," noted Davis. "But maybe I can hire the short, slow-footed and doomed young man to be my official Change Maker for next year, when I'm out and about at all the fancy clubs and stuff. So maybe his future isn't as bleak as it seems. If every Kentucky NBA player, and there soon will be about 30, can just hire a few hundred fellow students to do meaningless odd jobs, this new program will be seen as a major success."

In related news, the University of Kentucky also declared that all sports programs besides basketball will be cancelled forever.

"We just don't have the athletes in the other sports to justify the expenses," noted University. "Our football players can barely catch after two years, with no chance at making millions in the NFL. So what's the point of them even being here, then? I mean, if you can't prepare yourself to be hugely successful in two years, that's your problem, not ours."

After making his announcement before reporters and the entire student body, there was some sense of disappointment and fear from those who will no longer be able to acquire the degrees they had hoped for. But Dean University ended his speech with a rousing, "Go Wildcats!!! Go Blue Nation!!!" The crowd of course cheered back enthusiastically and went home to contemplate what their upcoming degrees in "Big Styrofoam Hand Waving" and "Trying to Get on TV with Ashley Judd" will do for them.