Sports

Tiger Woods Signs New Endorsement Deals

Written by Phil Landering Sunday, 04 April 2010

Tiger Woods may be a great driver on the golf course, but his bad driving on the road forced the superstar to confess his less than faithful ways, wrecking his marriage and prompting many of his sponsors to drop him like a toxic asset. You won't see Tiger driving a Buick or shaving with a Gillette Fusion razor on T.V. anymore. And Tiger has given Nike's "Just Do It" slogan a whole new meaning. Tiger "Just Did It." A lot. But, you can't keep a good man down, apparently, and now Tiger has several lucrative new endorsement deals either in the works or already in his golf bag of tricks, so to speak.

Legendary condom manufacturer Trojan has signed Tiger to a seven year, fifty million condom endorsement contract. Trojan director of marketing Willie Raincoat says that Tiger is a "perfect fit for our product. We are going to feature a new line of sized condoms, the one, two, and three Woods. Tiger's face will appear on all of our products and packaging, and we will tee off our campaign with full page ads in Hustler and Playboy magazines."

Also trying to cash in on Woods admission as a sex addict are several pharmaceutical companies planning to market patches to curb the sex drive. There will be sex patches for men and women, and they...

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Unknown Hockey Mom Chosen to Run Concession Stand

Written by Frank Comment Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Longtime Steamboat Sailor Hockey Club President Mike Kane made a controversial, "mavericky" choice to run the rink's concession stand this year, selecting Paul Lynn's mother, Angela, to be in charge of the confection area at Sailor hockey games this year.

Lynn is only in his first year as a team member, and a lot of the kids don't really know him or his mother. The choice to be the "second in command" of concessions was greeted by sneers and cheers when announced between the first and second period of the recent pre-season match-up against the Vail Vomits.

Hockey Club President Mike Kane ignited controversy when he surprisingly selected Paul Lynn's mother to be his "running mate" for the rink's concession stand.

One of the players, longtime defenseman Otto Corners, was furious. "My mom has been to every game, believes in hockey and knows her Skittles from her Reese's Pieces," he fumed. "He just picked her because she's relatively hot--for an old mom-type lady."

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Crazy River Dog Champ Tests Positive for High Testosterone, Blames Snausages

Written by Harry McGruff Friday, 15 December 2006

Scraps, the surprise winner of the 2006 River Dog Championship held in the Yampa River's "P" hole, has tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone, and he has been stripped of his championship collar and collapsible doggy dish prize.

The failed test sample was taken after a dominating performance by Scraps during which he retrieved the Dunkel, a retrieving toy that the competitors refer to as "the funny thing that I just have to have in my mouth right now and bring back super-duper quick to my food supplier," in a Championship record time of 4.2 seconds.

Crazy River Dog Champion Scraps tested positive of elevated testosterone levels. His defense: "I have no balls!"

"Yeah, we couldn't believe that time when he posted it," barked Chopster, the runner-up in the event who will likely be named the new champion. "Don't get me wrong, I was happy for the guy--shoot, I'm happy for everybody at all times, just look at my tail--but that time seemed a little too good."

In his first interview after the announcement of the failed test, Scraps proclaimed his innocence and vowed to vigorously defend his title and good name.

"I just can't believe this. I'm shocked," added Scraps, with a sad puppy-wuppy face. "I just don't understand how I could have tested for high levels of testosterone. I don't even...

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