Sports
NBA Lockout Continues, Now Entering 115th Day of No One Caring
Written by Wilbur "Shooter" Flatch Saturday, 08 October 2011

large
versionThe long and relatively unnoticed saga of the NBA
lockout stretched into its 115th day today, signaling the longest
professional sports lockout completely ignored by Americans since
the almost unremembered NHL lockout of 2004, which wiped out the
season and devastated fans from Montreal to Vancouver while barely
being noticed in the United States.Die-hard NBA fans should be able to see their heroes, like LeBron James and Dwayne Wade (waiting to get in), in a more intimate setting this year, including at their local YMCA pickup games.
And with owners united in their stance that "no one would really care if we didn't play this year," it seems like an end to the almost-uncovered-by-the-press stalemate will continue into the foreseeable future, possibly repeating the situation that moved hockey into the recesses of the American sports psyche, right next to professional bowling, poker and rodeo.
"There's an NBA lockout?" questioned William H. Spacey, an accountant with Ernst & Young in Philadelphia, who remembers watching a couple of NBA playoff games last year. "Are you sure you're not talking about the NFL? Because that was terrible, but they ended that, and I've been watching every game on my satellite package. Go...
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Manning Suing NFL for Whiplash, Seeking Punitive Damages
Written by Indiana Jonesing Friday, 09 September 2011

Indianapolis Colts' star quarterback Peyton Manning, a four-time
league MVP and Super Bowl winner, announced that he is suing the
NFL for "whiplash" and seeking punitive damages worth $200 million
dollars for his "pain and suffering" related to the injury, which
he claims happened when his team's kicker rear-ended his golf cart
with another golf cart during a team practice.Peyton Manning was publicly seen wearing this giant neck brace at team functions, whimpering about how his neck "hurt really freaking bad." However, Manning was photographed the same day enjoying Cuban cigars and partying with a rock band. According to Manning's lawyer, those are just people who happen to look like Peyton Manning or are Photoshop forgeries.
"I was just sitting in my cart--you know, one of those little jobbies that us stars like to tool around in--when our liquored up, idiot kicker came barreling into my rear bumper," stated Manning in an official statement read by his lawyer, Slick Backedhair, an injury lawyer for the Indianapolis firm of Ambulance Chasers Incorporated. "And as soon as I got out to look at the damages and get his driver's license, I noticed that my neck started burning in intense pain. I could barely move my head, and then I started to lose feeling in my right arm--my throwing arm. I'm pretty sure I may have suffered some lower back trauma...
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Tiger, Clinton Congratulate Rory, Invite Him to D.C. Sex Party
Written by Dick Swinger Tuesday, 21 June 2011

U.S. Open Champion Rory McElroy was invited by Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods to a celebrity studded and ball-gagged crazy-ass sex orgy. But PGA Tour executives squashed that dream and had him restrained in his hotel room to avoid further scandal."That was a
legendary, otherworldly performance," Clinton reportedly told the
youngster from Northern Ireland. "You've clearly shown that you are
one of the best golfers in history, just like my main man Tiger. So
now let's see if you can swing your other club with the big boys,
and get down her for the hottest damn sexhibition match you'll ever
see."
Both Clinton and Woods offered to send a limousine that would take McElroy, who just set a U.S. Open record by finishing the tournament at 16 under par, to the ultra-high-rollers-only sex party where he would rub elbows, and likely penises, with such world-conquerors as Michael Jordan, Shaq...
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Kansas College Republicans Celebrate Kansas Loss, Screwing of Obama's Bracket
Written by Rand Aynderson Monday, 02 May 2011

When the
final buzzer sounded, the atmosphere at the Kansas University
College Republican headquarters was beyond exuberant. Dozens of
sensibly dressed college students ran around in a delirious craze,
screaming with excitement and giving each other high-fives and
awkward, poorly timed jumping hugs.Getting ready to watch the No. 1-seeded Kansas basketball team, Kansas College Republicans hoped that Obama would falter by choosing their school to win the national championship. Their prayers were answered.
"This is the best day of my life!" screamed Andrew Timmerman, a sophomore financing major at the school. "I can't believe it came down to Kansas, and we did it!!! We freaking did it!!! Yeahhh!!!!"
Popcorn flew in the air, and a ponytailed blonde named Cheryl Swain, a junior pre-law major, shook a can of Diet Sprite really, really hard and opened it, gleefully spraying her fellow republicans with sugar-free "lymon."
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Team to Saints' Fans: Don't become Louisiassholes
Written by Marty Graw Monday, 05 April 2010

New Orleans Saints' officials pleaded with its fan base to "not be like this guy," who had moments before tattooed the Saints logo on his balls.
After
defeating the Indianapolis Colts 31-17 in Super Bowl XLIV, the New
Orleans Saints and their energized fan base took to the streets of
their beleaguered city for some well-deserved
celebrations.
But after the team's victory parade, when they showed off their new trophy to their adoring fans, team ownership and management had some cautious words for their fans.
New Orleans Saints' officials pleaded with its fan base to "not be like this guy," who had moments before tattooed the Saints logo on his balls.
"Please, please don't become so obnoxious with our success that the rest of the country learns to hate us," warned team owner Tom Benson. "You may not remember this, but it wasn't that long ago that the country was really happy for the out-of-nowhere Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. We were all relieved when the Red Sox ended the Curse of the Bambino and...
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