Manning Suing NFL for Whiplash, Seeking Punitive Damages

Written by Indiana Jonesing Friday, 09 September 2011

Indianapolis Colts' star quarterback Peyton Manning, a four-time league MVP and Super Bowl winner, announced that he is suing the NFL for "whiplash" and seeking punitive damages worth $200 million dollars for his "pain and suffering" related to the injury, which he claims happened when his team's kicker rear-ended his golf cart with another golf cart during a team practice.Peyton Manning was publicly seen wearing this giant neck brace at team functions, whimpering about how his neck "hurt really freaking bad." However, Manning was photographed the same day enjoying Cuban cigars and partying with a rock band. According to Manning's lawyer, those are just people who happen to look like Peyton Manning or are Photoshop forgeries.

"I was just sitting in my cart--you know, one of those little jobbies that us stars like to tool around in--when our liquored up, idiot kicker came barreling into my rear bumper," stated Manning in an official statement read by his lawyer, Slick Backedhair, an injury lawyer for the Indianapolis firm of Ambulance Chasers Incorporated. "And as soon as I got out to look at the damages and get his driver's license, I noticed that my neck started burning in intense pain. I could barely move my head, and then I started to lose feeling in my right arm--my throwing arm. I'm pretty sure I may have suffered some lower back trauma as well. I haven't been the same since."

Only weeks after signing a five-year, $90 million contract in July 2011, Manning was expecting to finish his career as the Colts quarterback, likely breaking most NFL records for his position. Now, according to his attorney, the Colts and fantasy football dorks the world over will likely be without the star product pitchman for the foreseeable future, and possibly into next year's fantasy drafts.

"My stock just tumbled," added Manning when reached by interviewers by phone. "I went from a second-round fantasy draft pick to almost untouchable. Do you know what that does to a guy's ego? I'm getting drafted after losers like Jay Cutler. Hell, even my brother Eli is going before me!"

In the lawsuit, Manning's attorney is seeking $15 million in lost wages for this season as well as the $200 million for lost commercial endorsements and Manning's inability to host Saturday Night Live or visit children's hospitals.

"It's like Peyton has nothing to live for anymore," noted Backedhair. "Sure, he has hundreds of millions in the bank, so this isn't about money. It's about 'quality of life,' and have you tried having a quality life when you can't tie your own shoes or try to casually check out some hottie walking past you? His whole life was taken away by this golf-cart-can't-drive-properly lunatic. It's a sad day for superstar quarterbacks the world over. What's next? Tom Brady having to date mildly beautiful women? We're beyond sad at Ambulance Chasers Incorporated."

Manning's new law firm also is expected to announce a class-action suit on the behalf of fantasy football dorks who drafted Manning this year, who didn't know of this massive whiplash injury until the day the football season started.

"We're just looking out for all the dorks out there who are crushed by this news, and may now have to start Kerry Collins or some guy named Kolb in their upcoming fictional games," added Backedhair. "There are millions of men, most of whom were already socially inept, who now have to endure endless taunting from their peers. It's a real crisis out there."

The class action is expected to total in the hundreds of millions of dollars, with each Manning owner hoping to receive $1.25 after legal fees are taken out of the settlement. Those owners seeking to join the class-action suit are being told to sign up at www.imafantasydorkwhopickedpeytonmanning.com.