Tiger, Clinton Congratulate Rory, Invite Him to D.C. Sex Party

Written by Dick Swinger Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Minutes after trouncing the field at the 111th U.S. Open golf championship at the Congressional Country Club in Bethesda, Md., 22-year-old Rory McElroy received congratulatory phone calls from his idol, Tiger Woods, and former U.S. President Bill Clinton. Both Woods and Clinton praised McElroy for his record-breaking and thoroughly dominating performance before inviting him to a "hot-ass sex party" being held at a secret location in nearby Washington, D.C.

U.S. Open Champion Rory McElroy was invited by Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods to a celebrity studded and ball-gagged crazy-ass sex orgy. But PGA Tour executives squashed that dream and had him restrained in his hotel room to avoid further scandal."That was a legendary, otherworldly performance," Clinton reportedly told the youngster from Northern Ireland. "You've clearly shown that you are one of the best golfers in history, just like my main man Tiger. So now let's see if you can swing your other club with the big boys, and get down her for the hottest damn sexhibition match you'll ever see."

Both Clinton and Woods offered to send a limousine that would take McElroy, who just set a U.S. Open record by finishing the tournament at 16 under par, to the ultra-high-rollers-only sex party where he would rub elbows, and likely penises, with such world-conquerors as Michael Jordan, Shaq, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, Jay Z and, of course, Clinton and Woods.

"You've seen 'Eyes Wide Shut', right?" asked Woods after McElroy appeared hesitant toward the offer. "Well it's way hotter than that. You can really get your funk on at these things, and only the best in the world get invited. And now you're on the list. Come on... You have no idea what a $5,000-an-hour hooker can do to a man."

As a special bonus, Woods also offered to set up his infamous "Tiger's Den," where he names the high-priced hookers after famous golf courses. Previous sex parties have features such "courses" as Bethpage Black, Torrey Pines and Olympia Fields. "But watch out for 'The Royal and Ancient,'" warned Woods. "I'm not sure you're ready for her."

Clinton was especially excited about the prospect of McElroy joining the sex party, often complaining that they need "some new blood." He also was hoping to have someone there who was whiter than he is naked.

"Everyone knows I'm 'The King' at these parties," noted Clinton. "Even LeBron calls me that. But there aren't a lot of super-pasty white dudes having at these ladies. Most of the other mega-celebs are either tan or black. We could use some Irish Spring at the fiesta. Mix that with his afro, and the hookers are gonna get real confused. I can't wait!"

According to sources, a grinning, trophy-holding McElroy sprinted to the golf course parking lot, searching for a mysterious and expensive-looking limo. However, 22 of his handlers, agents, swing coaches, fellow golfers and the entire executive team of the PGA Tour hogtied him and carried him back to his hotel room, where they locked the doors and windows and placed bodyguards armed with Tasers at every possible escape route.

"No way we're dealing with another sex scandal," said PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem. "We now have our entire credibility and future riding on Rory McElroy. I'm not even going to let him near a Waffle House, in case he makes a move for a waitress there."

Reporters attempted to reach Woods and Clinton for comment later on that night, but repeated cell phone texts were answered with "Sorry, busy boning."

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