Kansas College Republicans Celebrate Kansas Loss, Screwing of Obama's Bracket

Written by Rand Aynderson Monday, 02 May 2011

When the final buzzer sounded, the atmosphere at the Kansas University College Republican headquarters was beyond exuberant. Dozens of sensibly dressed college students ran around in a delirious craze, screaming with excitement and giving each other high-fives and awkward, poorly timed jumping hugs.Getting ready to watch the No. 1-seeded Kansas basketball team, Kansas College Republicans hoped that Obama would falter by choosing their school to win the national championship. Their prayers were answered.

"This is the best day of my life!" screamed Andrew Timmerman, a sophomore financing major at the school. "I can't believe it came down to Kansas, and we did it!!! We freaking did it!!! Yeahhh!!!!"

Popcorn flew in the air, and a ponytailed blonde named Cheryl Swain, a junior pre-law major, shook a can of Diet Sprite really, really hard and opened it, gleefully spraying her fellow republicans with sugar-free "lymon."

"Suck on that, you loser!" bellowed a jubilant Daniel Manning, a meticulously cropped senior accounting major born in Lawrence, Kansas. "You picked Kansas to win it all, and we lost!!! We just got creamed by a crappy little school called VCU!!! Ha! You idiot!!!!"

The unexpected celebration lasted for another 10 minutes after their school's basketball team, a No. 1 seed in the 2011 March Madness college basketball tournament and the choice of U.S. President Barack Obama to win it all, was humiliatingly defeated by 11th-seeded Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU).

Obama was doing well with his 2011 NCAA tournament bracket, at one point placing in the top 1 percent of all entries sent into ESPN. But after correctly selecting North Carolina to win two years ago, Obama faltered the last two years, both times predicting Kansas to win.

"I can't believe we blew it again! This is so awesome!!!" added Swain.

The College Republicans then began an "Obama Sucks! Kansas Lost!" chant that was vigorously joined by the entire contingent, several of whom were carrying signs with the "Obama Joker face" with "Lose! Kansas! Lose!" written on them. The mob began to leave its headquarters, the AV room at Grace Pearson Hall, and head for the streets of Lawrence to celebrate with their fellow students.

However, the situation was controlled when Kansas College Republican President C.T. Partee reminded his fellow Kansas students of the ass whipping they received last year from the football team, which apparently didn't realize how much more important it was that Obama not win at anything.