China Levels Hacking Charge at Obama, Claims U.S. Stole 'State Secrets' on How to Spy on Own Citizens

Written by Biggie Brother Wednesday, 19 June 2013

In a move that could derail the "positive vibes" from a recent retreat at the Sunnylands Estate in California, Chinese President Xi Jinping accused the U.S. federal government of hacking into China's computer network to steal its long-mastered secret tactics to monitor the activities of its civilians.U.S. President Barack Obama broke into a recent Verizon Wireless commercial and explained "Oh yeah, I can hear you now! And now! And most definitely, right damn now!!!"

"What we've seen from the United States and its National Security Administration in the last few weeks is exactly the kind of thing we've been doing in China for more than 50 years," noted Jinping in a statement from Beijing. "The monitoring of all calls, the Internet surveillance, the persecution of whistleblowers and those who disagree with such practices. There's no way they could model our time-perfected techniques so accurately without directly accessing our computer files. Hack, hack, no take back!"

The charges are a strong role reversal, as the United States has long complained of major hacking schemes coming from mainland China. According to experts in the field, China appears to have hacked into U.S. energy, technology and defense computers and stolen billions of dollars in intellectual property.

But although China would have much to learn in these fields, they are the unquestioned world leader, since the fall of the Soviet Union, in citizen spying, interrogation and imprisonment, so it makes sense to some that the U.S. government would be keen on stealing China's secrets in this arena.

"If I were going to steal secrets on internal spying, China would be the obvious choice," said Byte Mee, the online moniker of a world-renowned computer hacker. "And based on what we've seen from the U.S. surveillance program, all the tell-tale signs of the Chinese model are there. It's circumstantial evidence, but it's a strong case."

U.S. President Barack Obama denied the allegations, but couldn't explain the striking similarities between the two countries programs.

"It's just a coincidence," noted Obama. "Apple and Google both make phones with a lot of similarities, but no one is accusing them of hacking each other. We're just both good at what we do, and we got there through our own hard work. We don't need to steal from the Chinese, unless we can somehow get the recipe for this amazing dish of Kung Pao chicken I had the last time I was in Shanghai. I'd steal that bad boy in a second."