Politics/Government
Republican Leaders Urging All Its Candidates to Sign 'I Will Never Say the Word 'Rape' Under Any Circumstances' Pledge
Written by Tank Myparty Friday, 26 October 2012
To quell the bleeding from the latest of several negatively
received comments about rape and how it may have some sort of
"upside" in certain circumstances, GOP leaders are circulating a
pledge and demanding that all of its candidates sign the
document.
Although not an official GOP candidate at this time, Donald Trump signed the "don't ever mention rape" pledge. At this press conference, his monologue steered toward a dangerous topic, at which point he shoved this finger into his mouth and bit down severely, averting further political suicide.
Part of the document reads, "I pledge that under no circumstances will I ever use the word 'rape' in any form, context or situation. I won't even say it amongst close friends, as you never know who has a hidden camera. Any time I even think of the word 'rape' in my head, after signing this document, I will bite one of my fingers so hard that it makes my eyes water and the word disappears from my brain, and all I think about is the harmless, intense pain in my digit."
The pledge was written by Grover Norquist, who is famous for writing the No Tax Pledge which most Republican lawmakers and candidates have signed.
"It's my theory that Republicans simply need a public declaration to keep them from doing something harmful to themselves and our party, marital fidelity excluded, of course, but...
Add a commentRomney Trashes Obamacare, Presents Plan to Provide Health Care Coverage for Frackers
Written by Connie Taminated Tuesday, 04 September 2012
Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stuck to his stump
speech when his "Believe in America" bus tour made a second stop in
Craig yesterday.
At a campaign stop in Craig America, Mitt Romney announced a "personal mandate" that, if elected, all fracking owners and drillers would receive government-subsidized health care for their efforts in creating jobs and situations that require health care.
"Since I have been here last, I still have not developed any constructive policies for America," said Romney. "However, my promise, for the second time, to the people of Craig America, is that I will repeal Obamacare on day one."
Despite the Supreme Court ruling led by Justice John Roberts, Romney went on to say, "Obamacare is just bad law. You can never trust the opinion of someone who went to Harvard."
Although this brought a rousing cheer from his supporters, it was nothing like the response his next announcement garnered. After some folksy patter with the crowd to establish credibility as just another blue-collar denizen of the rural Western Slope, Romney moved past the "local flattery" portion of his visit and added an addendum not previously heard on the tour.
"Although I am on board with the GOP effort to stamp out Socialism, especially when it comes in Obama's African-"American" package, I pledge to provide...
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By Standard 5-4 Margin, Supreme Court Decides to Order Bar-B-Q, Watch American Dad!
Written by Lala Icanthearyou Sunday, 22 July 2012
After a long day of reading government briefs on health care and
campaign donations, the U.S. Supreme Court decided to unwind in its
chambers, order some takeout and watch a little TV. However, some
members of the constantly losing side became unhinged when the
court voted 5-4 to again order Bar-B-Q and watch reruns of American
Dad!
Members of the Supreme Court (mostly not pictured) once again voted 5-4 to order "American food": barbecued pork ribs and baked beans. Dissenting suggestions of pizza and Chinese food were summarily rejected by the court's conservative branch as being "too ethnic."
"I'm not sure how much more of this I can take," noted perennial loser Sonia Sotomayor. "Those of us appointed by Democrat presidents just wanted to, for once, get control of the TV and watch Family Guy, but the usual gang of Republican mouthpieces ruled that the Family Guy creators are too liberal and the show promotes too many San Francisco values, whatever that means. Of course, I tried to tell them that Seth MacFarlane created and writes for both shows, but they just laughed and said that was ridiculous. I even opened up the Wikipedia pages to show them, but none of those conservatives will ever touch a computer, except for Roberts, who just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'what can I do?'"
The contentious air increased when...
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Obama Unveils New Campaign Slogan: That-O-Way
Written by Hope Fading Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Intending to show America the direction he intends to take the
country if re-elected, President Obama unveiled a brand new slogan
that will appear on TV commercials, buttons, bumper stickers and
campaign stops: That-O-Way.
Obama's campaign is hoping its new slogan will pinpoint the direction the president hopes to lead the country in the next four years: That-O-Way. Team Romney countered immediately with its chosen direction: This-A-Way! American voters, naturally, are just confused as hell.
"It's something that immediately lets the country know, in specific and concrete terms, where he wants to lead the United States," said Him Messiah, Obama's campaign manager. "He doesn't want to take the country sideways, into France, as his opponents would like you to believe. And he certainly doesn't want to take it 'over yonder,' as that just sounds stupid, like something George W. would've said. He's going to take the country ... That-O-Way."
The new slogan was introduced after the last new slogan, "Forward," was painted by his opponents as a code for "Socialism."
"We're still not sure how the word 'Forward' can be construed as negative," added Messiah, "but if there's one thing Republicans can do, is get a label to stick to something. Ask John Kerry. On the bright side, it seems Romney and the rest are so reflexively for the opposite of...
Add a commentRomney Promises to No Longer Remove Hair/Dignity of those Not as Awesome as Himself
Written by Harry Eye Thursday, 17 May 2012
Hoping to let voters know that he's no longer the same person he
was when he was 18 years old and held a fellow prepschooler down on
the ground while he cut his "girly" hair, presumptive GOP candidate
for president Mitt Romney swore that he would never again forcibly
trim another human being's hair and/or completely strip him of his
dignity and self-worth.
In a sign of solidarity with the boy Mitt Romney allegedly pinned down and cut his hair, the presumptive presidential candidate has matched the youth's "offending hairstyle," dying it blond and letting it hang down over one eye. "Do I really have to do this?" Romney was heard asking an adviser. "I feel like a total fag."
"This is a really big announcement," said CNN newscaster Wolfing Blitzen. "No other presidential candidate in history has officially declared that he would never, ever again intimidate and physically assault one of his inferiors. Truly a groundbreaking moment for Mitt Romney and the Republican Party. Barack Obama is going to have to really think long and hard to see if he can match such a commitment."
But before Blitzen could finish his statement, Libby Mouthpiece, an Obama spokesperson, confirmed that Obama could make the same statement.
"Ummm ... if you're wondering if Obama can commit to not pinning someone down and defacing him, while...
Add a commentRead more: Romney Promises to No Longer Remove Hair/Dignity of those Not as Awesome as Himself
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