Obama Campaigning on 'Change I Can Actually Accomplish,' Promises New Facial Hair

Written by Martin Van Buren Thursday, 01 December 2011

Gearing up for his re-election campaign, President Barack Obama announced he would again be running on a campaign for "change in the White House." However, unable to enact much actual change in the halls of Congress, we said he was going to shift his goals to things he could actually accomplish, such as changing his physical appearance.President Obama announced that his re-election campaign would focus on change that wasn't as difficult as he promised last election, vowing to alter such things as his personal grooming and wardrobe. One item he promised to change, if re-elected, was his facial hair, noting that he could grow a "cool-ass goatee."

"America, and I, didn't realize just how hard it would be to change the politics in this great nation," stated Obama. "I tried my ass off--I really did. But we lost that one Senate seat in Massachusetts, and then we lost the House, and I couldn't get crap changed after that. It seems you need a 'super majority' to get anything really done, and I don't know if that will ever be possible. And Republicans are hell-bent on vetoing anything I do now, so I'm going to focus my next four years on things I can definitely change.

"For starters, if re-elected, I'm going to change my facial hair," added Obama. "I'm not great at growing a beard, and I don't want to look like Rutherford Hayes or Benjamin Harrison or any of those other dead presidents who looked like Grizzly Adams, but I think I can pull off a cool goatee. Maybe something like Denzel Washington in Training Day. Now that's some change I can deliver!"

Obama also noted that he would bring further change to the White House by modernizing his wardrobe. The President admitted that his current wardrobe consists of bland suits and common, white-collared shirts.

"I'm going to change that up," promised the President. "I'll start small, maybe with some of those Lee Iacocca shirts with the different-colored collars. But then, once the world gets used to that, I'm going to get some of those fancy suits that the movie stars get from Lloyds of London. That's what a modern President should look like: George Clooney. You want a 'Celebrity President'? Well, I'm going to give you that!"

When asked if these were mere cosmetic changes and of no actual use to the suffering American people, Obama also promised to make more substantial changes to his personality and mind.

"I've learned that the only thing anyone can control is themselves," he noted. "So I'm also going to change my spirituality. The really cool people are into Buddhism, so I'm going to do that. You know, really get to know my spiritual side. Christianity is so dogmatic and structured, so I'm going to change that up as well. I figure if Republicans are seriously considering nominating a Mormon, the more open-minded Democrats can get behind someone who meditates and chants with the Dalai Lama at spiritual retreats. If I can lead with 'change by example,' the American public will follow. We'll all get our Buddha on."

Continuing his theme of "Change I Can Actually Accomplish," Obama promised to redecorate some rooms in the White House. For example, he thought the Lincoln Bedroom is ripe for change. Obama said he'd appoint a "Redecorating Czar" who would be tasked with changing the entire look and feel of some of the "stuffier" rooms in the White House.

"I don't know what we'll come up with, but I've been watching a lot of home-improvement TV lately, since watching the political news channels has become so depressing," stated Obama. "I bet we could bring some real Feng Shui to this place. I'm pretty sure those designers from Trading Spaces are out of work, with a lot of Americans, and they'd jump at the chance for a cool government job with benefits. I've seen what kind of change they can accomplish with just $2,000, so think of what they can do if I up that to $2 million. That's some change I could believe in. And live in."