By Standard 5-4 Margin, Supreme Court Decides to Order Bar-B-Q, Watch American Dad!

Written by Lala Icanthearyou Sunday, 22 July 2012

After a long day of reading government briefs on health care and campaign donations, the U.S. Supreme Court decided to unwind in its chambers, order some takeout and watch a little TV. However, some members of the constantly losing side became unhinged when the court voted 5-4 to again order Bar-B-Q and watch reruns of American Dad!Members of the Supreme Court (mostly not pictured) once again voted 5-4 to order "American food": barbecued pork ribs and baked beans. Dissenting suggestions of pizza and Chinese food were summarily rejected by the court's conservative branch as being "too ethnic."

"I'm not sure how much more of this I can take," noted perennial loser Sonia Sotomayor. "Those of us appointed by Democrat presidents just wanted to, for once, get control of the TV and watch Family Guy, but the usual gang of Republican mouthpieces ruled that the Family Guy creators are too liberal and the show promotes too many San Francisco values, whatever that means. Of course, I tried to tell them that Seth MacFarlane created and writes for both shows, but they just laughed and said that was ridiculous. I even opened up the Wikipedia pages to show them, but none of those conservatives will ever touch a computer, except for Roberts, who just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'what can I do?'"

The contentious air increased when the more liberal bloc suggested ordering pizza instead of the always ordered Bar-B-Q.

"Pizza is way too ethnic and Italian for me," said conservative Judge Antonin Scalia, whose father is from Sicily. "Did the Founding Fathers eat pizza? No, they most certainly did not. And I only agree with what I say the Founding Fathers said and did. There will be no pizza in this chamber. And don't even think about ordering something Asian."

Sotomayor and the other "Gang of Four Losers," as they're called by the other five judges, have in recent years become increasingly marginalized in terms of choosing television programming, which radio station to listen to or anything else that requires a group vote.

"They don't even listen to us anymore," said Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the oldest member of the court. "Roberts or Scalia decide something, and the others just raise their hand in agreement. Clarence Thomas hasn't said anything at a meeting besides grunt his support for those guys in decades."

Chief Justice John Roberts disputed the idea that the conservative side of the court always votes as a unified bloc, without even listening to the opposing opinions.

"Just a few weeks ago I joined the 'Four Losers' on a very important decision," noted Roberts. "Scalia wanted to watch Pawn Stars again, but I agreed with Sonia and the rest to watch the season finale of The Bachelorette. I just had to see who Emily was going to choose. Of course, Scalia and Alito haven't talked to me since, which makes me sad."

Upon hearing the news that Chief Justice Roberts broke ranks with his fellow conservatives, and felt sadness, Fox News leaked a report that Roberts may be taking estrogen medication for something they couldn't think of, as that could be the only explanation for having an emotion and/or wanting to watch The Bachelorette.