Romney Promises to No Longer Remove Hair/Dignity of those Not as Awesome as Himself

Written by Harry Eye Thursday, 17 May 2012

Hoping to let voters know that he's no longer the same person he was when he was 18 years old and held a fellow prepschooler down on the ground while he cut his "girly" hair, presumptive GOP candidate for president Mitt Romney swore that he would never again forcibly trim another human being's hair and/or completely strip him of his dignity and self-worth.In a sign of solidarity with the boy Mitt Romney allegedly pinned down and cut his hair, the presumptive presidential candidate has matched the youth's "offending hairstyle," dying it blond and letting it hang down over one eye. "Do I really have to do this?" Romney was heard asking an adviser. "I feel like a total fag."

"This is a really big announcement," said CNN newscaster Wolfing Blitzen. "No other presidential candidate in history has officially declared that he would never, ever again intimidate and physically assault one of his inferiors. Truly a groundbreaking moment for Mitt Romney and the Republican Party. Barack Obama is going to have to really think long and hard to see if he can match such a commitment."

But before Blitzen could finish his statement, Libby Mouthpiece, an Obama spokesperson, confirmed that Obama could make the same statement.

"Ummm ... if you're wondering if Obama can commit to not pinning someone down and defacing him, while simultaneously taking away what was left of his emotional manhood ... uh ... yeah, we can commit to that," noted Mouthpiece.

Although Romney did swear to no longer make life miserable for anyone he described as "not as awesome as me. You know, with great, conservative hair and a winning smile. Or piles of money and rich parents providing for a bunch of awesome advantages, like waterskiing all the time," he did leave some disclaimers.

"For starters, I'm not actually admitting I did anything when I was 18. I don't remember doing anything that could be conceived of as unpresidential--ever," stated Romney. "And I mean that. Even if I did something, I have the real ability to instantly flush it out of my memory. Gone. Forever. The only thing I remember about that kid they say I bullied is the girlish hair. But if I did something, could you blame me? His hair hung over one eye! He was obviously either weird, gay, a skateboarder or born too early to be a fan of The Cure, and those are all worthy of being picked on in any schoolyard by any respectable bully. Not that I am or ever was a bully, of course. I'm talking about other bullies. I mean, people who were/are bullies, unlike me."

Romney also noted that he would gladly make exceptions in the "taking away someone's dignity" element of his promise, if it was because that person had to be laid off or demoted to increase a company's profit margins and make more money for the CEO and shareholders.

"I don't care if not having a job hurts his feminine sensibilities," note Romney. "If profit is involved, I'll have no problem whatsoever taking away everything a man, woman or child has. They should've gone to prep school and Harvard Law, so they wouldn't be so darn expendable. Can't they see that if they simply borrowed $100,000 or so from their parents for a good education, like smart people do, they wouldn't be in such predicaments?"