Politics/Government

McCain/Palin Introduce New Slogan: "We're Not Smart ... Just Like You"

Written by Mary Hail Tuesday, 11 November 2008

McCain: "We know you're all a bunch of poorly educated dumbasses, but it's cool, so are we! We can win with a coalition of the unknowing!"

"Fellow Americans, I know that it has appeared that my campaign has gone a little wacky lately," said McCain from one of his mansions in Arizona. "I've been throwing out gimmicks and 'game changers' and bizarre running-mate picks. And I've been saying just about anything that might win me some points with the ill-informed voters, regardless of truth or honesty.

"But now I'm suspending my campaign of all lies and distractions, my friends, and I'm going to deliver some honest truth: I'm not a very bright man ... I was nearly last in my class at the academy ... And I don't really care that I don't know much about the modern world ... And don't get me started on Sarah Palin--we all know what an airhead she is," he continued.

Read more: McCain/Palin Introduce New Slogan: "We're Not Smart ... Just Like You"

McCain Flatly Denies Rumor that He's Irish

Written by Lucy Charms Friday, 04 April 2008

Senator John McCain once again found himself on the campaign trail having to refute rumors that he is Irish.

"My rivals are just trying to play off of people's fears and introlerances," noted McCain at a fundraiser held at O'Toole's Tavern in Skokie, Ill. "This is nothing but indirect racism, and I won't stand for it. I've said it a thousand times: I'm not Irish."

Senator John McCain believes that this photo of him traveling to Ireland was circulated by a rival campaign looking to perpetuate the rumor that he is of Irish descent.

While sipping on a coffee with a little Jameson whiskey and Bailey's cream added in for good measure, McCain added that because he has an Irish-sounding name, he's constantly taking "cheap shots" that he is, somehow, actually Irish.

"This is nonsense," he continued. "My American heritage is as clean as a whistle, like a spring. And anyone who says differently can kiss my blarney stone!"

When asked why someone would hint that he might be Irish, McCain explained that it all goes back to terrorism.

"They're trying to paint me as some IRA terrorist--that I'm going to try and bomb the British or something like that," added McCain while shooting darts and eating Shephard's Pie. "They want you to believe that once elected as president, I'd get drunk and swear allegiance to St. Patrick or something.

"It's ridiculous," said McCain defiantly while watching the Boston Celtics on TV. "If I say I'm not Irish, that should be the end of it. But if one more person suggests that I'm Irish, I'm going to challenge that person to a fight in the back parking lot. And I'll kick their arse!"

Clinton 'Ready for Ski Season on Day One'

Written by Duke Caucus Friday, 04 April 2008

Billary Clinton, a junior who hopes to be elected as Steamboat Springs High School student-body president in 2008, claimed that she is the best candidate for the position because she "was the only one ready for ski season on day one."

"I had my ski boots on. I had my protective helmet on. I was even wearing long underwear, although that day wasn't very cold, just in case the weather changed," she noted. "I was out there, waiting for the gondola, while my fellow candidates were sitting at home, playing video games. They weren't ready on day one, but I was, so you should vote for me."

High-school junior Billary Clinton proudly notes that she was the only candidate for student-body president who was ready for opening day of last year's ski season. Unfortunately, the mountain actually opened more than a week later.

Several students who are running against Clinton noted, however, that the ski season was delayed last year, so that she was just standing in line by herself, like a big idiot.

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Bush Vows to Not be Lame Fu&k President

Written by Allhat Nobrains Friday, 04 April 2008

At a recent press conference, President George W. Bush became angry with reporters when one of them proposed that the dynamics of his presidency had changed in its final year.

"Now, I resent that," Bush began. "I've heard several in the media lately saying that I've become a 'lame fu%k president.' I have to say that I strongly disagree with such words.

"Let's not forget, people, that I used to be quite the partier," he continued. "I was drinkin' all the time, snortin' coke offa cheerleaders' tits, runnin' away from the cops ... Does that sound like things some lame fu&k would do?"

George W. Bush insists that his days as a raging alcoholic and frat boy prevent him from being a "lame fu&k" in the last year of his presidency.

Bush also noted that it's much more difficult these days to create an impression of coolness, being president and all, but that he still tries to "keep it real."

Read more: Bush Vows to Not be Lame Fu&k President