McCain Flatly Denies Rumor that He's Irish

Written by Lucy Charms Friday, 04 April 2008

Senator John McCain once again found himself on the campaign trail having to refute rumors that he is Irish.

"My rivals are just trying to play off of people's fears and introlerances," noted McCain at a fundraiser held at O'Toole's Tavern in Skokie, Ill. "This is nothing but indirect racism, and I won't stand for it. I've said it a thousand times: I'm not Irish."

Senator John McCain believes that this photo of him traveling to Ireland was circulated by a rival campaign looking to perpetuate the rumor that he is of Irish descent.

While sipping on a coffee with a little Jameson whiskey and Bailey's cream added in for good measure, McCain added that because he has an Irish-sounding name, he's constantly taking "cheap shots" that he is, somehow, actually Irish.

"This is nonsense," he continued. "My American heritage is as clean as a whistle, like a spring. And anyone who says differently can kiss my blarney stone!"

When asked why someone would hint that he might be Irish, McCain explained that it all goes back to terrorism.

"They're trying to paint me as some IRA terrorist--that I'm going to try and bomb the British or something like that," added McCain while shooting darts and eating Shephard's Pie. "They want you to believe that once elected as president, I'd get drunk and swear allegiance to St. Patrick or something.

"It's ridiculous," said McCain defiantly while watching the Boston Celtics on TV. "If I say I'm not Irish, that should be the end of it. But if one more person suggests that I'm Irish, I'm going to challenge that person to a fight in the back parking lot. And I'll kick their arse!"