Clinton 'Ready for Ski Season on Day One'

Written by Duke Caucus Friday, 04 April 2008

Billary Clinton, a junior who hopes to be elected as Steamboat Springs High School student-body president in 2008, claimed that she is the best candidate for the position because she "was the only one ready for ski season on day one."

"I had my ski boots on. I had my protective helmet on. I was even wearing long underwear, although that day wasn't very cold, just in case the weather changed," she noted. "I was out there, waiting for the gondola, while my fellow candidates were sitting at home, playing video games. They weren't ready on day one, but I was, so you should vote for me."

High-school junior Billary Clinton proudly notes that she was the only candidate for student-body president who was ready for opening day of last year's ski season. Unfortunately, the mountain actually opened more than a week later.

Several students who are running against Clinton noted, however, that the ski season was delayed last year, so that she was just standing in line by herself, like a big idiot.

"I think that says a lot about Billary's judgment," noted Batalk Oblahblah, one of Billary's classmates who also is running for class president. "I believe it's more important to be right about ski season on day one, which was actually more than a week later, when I was there for Scholarship Day like everyone else."

Although Clinton admitted that it was a decision she'd like to take back, due to the long hours spent alone in the cold waiting for the gondola to start running, she still feels that it was her "readiness for the situation" that is most important.

"I've been tested," she added. "I stood in the cold for no reason whatsoever. I've taken the shots when everyone in school made fun of me when they found out I came out on the wrong day. That's why I'm the best candidate for student-body president.

"Half of the school already knows that they don't like me, but do we know that about my opponents, like Oblahblah? Sure, they seem to like him now," Clinton continued. "But he could be too smart or a narc or some other thing that high-school kids really don't like. Shoot, he might even be ... ethnic. And we know that won't go over too well in this school."

When informed of Clinton's latest accusation, Oblahblah countered quickly. "Ethnic? Do I seem like I might be ethnic to you? Just because my name is Batalk Hussein Jose Guiseppe Ming Vladimir Oblahblah? That's just ridiculous. Clinton's pulling things out of her sizable arse again. It looks like me and the boys might have to give her another swirly. What a dork."