Bush Sending Surge to Rainbow Gathering

Written by Wendy Willhistermbeover Wednesday, 04 April 2007

In response to increased tensions and provocations between U.S. National Forest Service Rangers and Rainbow Gathering members, President George W. Bush has announced a new "surge" policy that will temporarily increase the numbers of Forest Service men and women in North Routt County.

President George W. Bush will send in additional Forest Service Rangers to crush the Rainbow Gathering insurgency.

"My fellow citizens, I know this is an unpopular conflict," said Bush. "But we have to stand firm in our resolve or ... or ... or them hippies are gonna win. And I'm not a loser. You hear me? I am NOT a loser. I win wars. I win elections. I'm a WINNER. My brother's the loser, not me, daddy!!! Quit calling me a loser!!!!!"

After a brief moment of awkward silence, Bush continued. "Whew. Guess I 'lost it' a little, huh? Anyway, the people of Routt County can be assured that I'm going to do everything I can to win this battle against these insurgents. You see, it's a battle of good vs. evil. Of right vs. wrong. Of black vs. white--wait, can I say that? No? OK, black is not fighting white.

"So although this is proving to be a difficult fight, it's a fight that we must win," he continued. "That's why I've authorized this surge of forces - what, Dick? You mean I can't use the word 'surge?' Alright, I've authorized this escalation of forces - what, Dick? Too Vietnamy sounding? Then what the heck am I 'sposed to call it? Oh, OK ... I've authorized an increase in forces: a new strategy. And it's gonna change this whole thing around. Now we're gonna see some progress against these hippies."

When asked how many additional Forest Service members were going to be reassigned to the region, Bush emphatically responded.

"Four."

"Is that four hundred?" asked Howdy Evergetelected, yet another bewildered reporter from the Steamboat Pirate.

"No, Howdy," Bush countered. "That's four. As in one, two, three, FOUR. My leaders 'on the ground' - that's where I get my information from, you see - they say that's the optimum number of new Pine Pigs to get the job done."

This led to a follow-up question from Mr. Evergetelected. "Sir, a few hundred of these so-called 'Pine Pigs' haven't been able to control the Rainbow Gathering, what makes you think that four more will have an effect?"

"See, that's the difference between me and you," Bush noted. "I get all the info ... I'm the president, you see. The Decider. The Decisioner. I get all of the relevant facts. Facts that I'm afraid you and the rest of the country don't get to see.

"You just have to trust me on this," he continued. "Four is the number. The number shall be four. The number of troops shall not be five, nor three, unless then proceeding onto four. Heh, heh, heh. You ever see that movie: Monty Python and the Holy Gale. I love that movie. Especially the part where they're bangin' on the coconuts. That's funny. Can I get any questions about the movie? They'd be a lot less hassling."

"I believe it's the Holy Grail, sir," said the reporter. "And I'm, once again, utterly speechless, sir."

"Gale? Grail? What's the difference? Then I guess this press conference is conclosed. Where's lunch?" Bush concluded.