Written by Chillie Palmer Monday, 28 January 2013
Sparked by a rumor heard on the elementary school playgrounds, eight-year-old snowball-rights activist Pepper Neighbors has spent most of her free time between ballet classes and freeze tag amassing a huge arsenal of snowballs in her "Snowmageddon Bunker."
"I heard from Tommy that Obama did some president stuff and was now coming to take away my snowballs," noted Neighbors. "And Tommy is in fourth grade, so he knows about these things. But I love my snowballs, and I'll never let Obama take away my secondary manendment right to have a huge pile of them and throw them at stuff."
After witnessing Ms. Neighbors compiling hundreds of snowballs in her five-foot-tall snow fort, a neighbor and snowball-control proponent Marty Pooper reported the activity to her parents.
"Why does anyone need to have that many snowballs?" asked Pooper, after returning from a neighborhood party that he apparently wasn't invited to. "Isn't, say, 10 snowballs enough to keep the stray dogs away or have a snowball fight with your friends? I really think her parents are enabling a dangerous situation here."
After a brief discussion with her parents, Ms. Neighbors trotted back out to the Snowmageddon Bunker and began amassing even more snowballs. She noted from her built-in "gunner's roost" that the extra supply was in case Mr. Pooper happened to walk his dog in the vicinity, and that she needed to be ready in case the "gubermint" came over and demand her snowballs.
"They can come over if they want," added young Neighbors about the government. "But they better build a good snow fort, or else it will be raining snowballs on their heads."
She added that it would be very difficult for Obama and government agencies to take her snowballs away, should they try.
"You'll have to pry my snowballs from my cold, numb hands," said Neighbors. "Cuz snow is cold and my gloves are pretty wet, so my hands are freezing right now."
When made aware of the playground rumors and the stockpiling of snowballs taking place in Ms. Neighbors front yard, President Obama delivered an impromptu speech in the Rose Garden.
"I would like to assure Ms. Neighbors and all the other kids out there in snowy climates that the government is not trying to take away your snowballs," noted Obama. "This country was founded on kids having snowball fights, with unlimited access to all the snowy ammunition they would like. My administration will continue that tradition of unfettered access to spheroid lumps of frozen water."