Intracourse to Fire Wild West, 'Canadize' Steamboat

Written by Ivana Newtheme Wednesday, 04 April 2007

According to a confidential company memo that was leaked to the press, Steamboat Ski Resort's new owner, Intracourse, plans on firing The Wild West.

"The decision has been made to eliminate the position of 'Aging Schtick' from the corporate payroll," states the memo, which was signed by Intracourse President Macon Whoopee. "Although The Wild West has been a valuable commodity for decades, we feel that it's time to go in a new direction."

A leaked memo from Intracourse stated that Steamboat's Wild West would be replaced by a Canadian theme, causing speculation that Billy Kidd (bottom) will be replaced by Dudley Do-Right.

"I'm shocked," said The Wild West, nearly in tears. "After everything I've done for this town. After everything I've given them: the hats, the horses with the skis, the barn photo for heaven's sake! I am this town!!!"

The leaked memo also notes that Intracourse will be unveiling a new theme imported from its MegaResort, Whistlepigs/Blackbrush, in Vancouver.

"Upon acquiring the mountain, we'll try and make it Whitlepigs II, so we'll unleash its successful 'Great White North' theme," states the memo. "Everyone will be remarkably civil and pleasant and boring. All mountain employees will receive universal healthcare. And we're going to open up a hockey/curling center right in Gondola Square.

"Most importantly," the memo continued, "the mountain will now be pronounced: Steamboot."

Many Steamboat locals were startled, but pleased, by the revelation.

"Does this mean we can rename Pioneer Ridge and Pony Express now? And can we finally blow up the barn?" asked Gary Everyman, a Steamboat local. "I mean ... can we finally blow up the barn, eh?"

When reached for comment on the memo, Macon Whoopee would neither confirm nor deny the report. However, this paper has learned that Canadian legends, Bob and Doug McKenzie, have recently come out of retirement and are expected to arrive in "Steamboot" as soon as they can get their dog, Hosehead, into their van.

"Yeah, it's gonna be sweet, eh," said Bob. "We, like, haven't had a lot to do lately."

"Yeah, except drink Mooseheads all day, right," added Doug. "So we're super stoked to be doing anything. But we don't know what the new job will be."

"I hope it's Director of Beer," continued Doug. "Intracourse said we'll find out when we get there, eh."

After consoling itself with several Coors and a few shots of whiskey, The Wild West stated that everything would probably work out for the best.

"I had a good run here," it added. "I have no complaints. I guess I'll just have to pack up my saddlebags and move on to another dusty cow town. But I've been here so long, I'm not sure where I'm going to be welcome next. I heard Aspen's a disaster. And my cousin, Mining Town, said Telluride sucks now. What about Rifle? They got a ski mountain there?"

After flipping the bartender a buffalo nickel, The Wild West then mozied out of the bar, unhitched its horse, and rode off into the sunset.

"Happy Trails!" yelled Everyman. "But don't come back now, ya' here! ... Eh?"