Sleeping Giant Pregnant!

Written by Chastity Stork-Lovebunny Wednesday, 04 April 2007

Loyal readers of this newspaper may remember that several issues ago, local legend Sleeping Giant had a sex change operation and became Wakeful Woman.  Even more loyal readers may remember that in more recent issues, this newspaper completely forgot that important fact and Sleeping Giant became a man again.  Loyal readers of this newspaper-GET A LIFE!  Get your nose out of this ridiculous rag and go snowboarding or skiing or bowling!

The Sleeping Giant/Wakeful Woman awaits a sonogram to see if she's carrying twin peaks.

But, seriously, somewhere between the two genders the tubes got crossed and Wakeful Woman/Sleeping Giant is expecting a little hillock of joy.  The maternal mountain is due to see Dr. Frank Lee Mydear, IDGAD, on Thursday for a sonogram.  Conventional equipment will obviously not do the trick, so Dr. Mydear has arranged for Google Earth to link its satellites with the nuclear submarine U.S.S. Ramrod's ultra-bitchin' Bose Wave Radio Sonar.  Dr. Mydear says Wakeful Woman/Sleeping Giant has gained weight "by the ton" and he wouldn't be surprised if she/he was carrying twinpeaks.  "She/he has a uterus the size of Rhode Island," said Dr. Mydear.

Since Wakeful Woman/Sleeping Giant is the first recorded pregnancy by a geological feature visible from space, the length of the gestation period is a matter of speculation and conjecture.  Elephants carry their young for nearly two years.  Extrapolating that over time, using comparative size and mass, the blessed event should take place sometime in the year 2063, or by the next issue of this paper, whichever comes first. 

Don't forget to enter our "Name the Baby Contest."  See page 64 for details. There will also be a pick-the-date pool, for those of you planning to be alive or still coherent in 2063 or the next issue of this paper, whichever comes first.

Dr. Mydear says that he has informed seismologists to be on the alert for contractions, which should begin at about 2.0 on the Richter scale and finish at a booming 7.5 - 8.2 every 10 minutes, which could have an adverse effect on local inhabitants and really inhibit construction, if there is any open ground left to build on in 2063, or by the next issue of this paper, whichever comes first. 

In the event that the delivery needs to be made by Caesarian section, Native Son Excavating has been contracted to perform the "Big Dig."  Another issue to be dealt with is where to put the new arrival.  Uber-developer Jim Cooked has already expressed an interest in locating the baby by the river and subdividing it into .2 acre ranchelitos.  "The exciting thing about all this is that as the little hill grows into a mountain, I will have more and more land to develop...bwah hah hah hah!"

 Dr. Frank Lee Mydear, IDGAD, was asked by this reporter to comment on all the hoopla.  "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.  My only interest is in my patient."