Three Ring Construction Circus Begins

Written by Britt Shickhouse Wednesday, 04 April 2007

Steamboat Springs is about to undergo the kind of construction season known in the industry as a nuclear cluster#*@&.  City Council, showing the long-range vision that it is so famous for, has approved 47 major developments, all slated to break ground this spring.  To say that this might affect daily life in Steamboat Springs is like saying that the great earthquake might have affected daily life in San Francisco in 1906.  Here are some of the thoughts, half-truths and comedic nightmares that council is offering to mitigate the situation.

One obvious issue that will have to be addressed is where to house the hundreds of construction workers.  Councilman Clowny Kenner has suggested covering Howelsen Hill with snowcaves.  "In addition to providing housing, it will also save us the expense of carting away and storing the man-made snow at the end of ski season," said Kenner.  Councilman Anton Luinucci proposed a tent city on "a very reasonably priced piece of property out in Maybell.  We could call it Steamboat 3."  Grand Old Town Hot Springs Director Patty Carn offered to help by tearing down the tennis courts and installing a mobile home community to be called "Trailer Heaven," featuring double- and triple-decker quadruple-wide mobile homes.  "We don't care any more about the tennis players than we did about the previous tenants we booted out.  We have grand expansion plans we need to fund," said Carn.

Traffic around Steamboat Springs is sure to be snarled at times, and several innovative solutions have been tossed aside to make way for the following ridiculous ones.  Fourth of July celebrants will be asked to take in the holiday parade in Yampa because Lincoln Avenue will resemble a drainage ditch this summer.  Yampa also offers a spectacular fireworks show, which will avoid one of the biggest traffic jams of the year in downtown Steamboat Springs.  Steamboat Springs Transit buses heading downtown from the mountain area will terminate at Old Fish Creek Falls Road and passengers will cross Lincoln Avenue to Yampa River Park where they will be issued inner tubes and proceed west floating down the Yampa River.  This year's Labor Day festivities will be held in Oak Creek.  In addition, no left turns will be permitted during Daylight Savings Time within city limits.

In an effort to appease tourists, locals and construction workers, the Tourism Authority will offer free dust masks to anyone venturing outdoors.  Prizes will be awarded for naming the date and time that the various projects will be completed.  There will also be a "Name The Pothole" contest for the kids. Locals will not want to miss the Triple Clown Slow Bitch Complaininng Tournament, or the opportunity to use the construction as an everyday excuse for being late.

City Council is asking drivers to be patient, which is about as likely as the return of $500 season ski passes. But the good news is that the current extreme makeover of Steamboat Springs will be over at the end of summer 2008, or when pigs fly, whichever comes later.