Triplecrown Holds Town Hostage

Written by Cap N. Highsocks Tuesday, 11 November 2008

According to the police report, Town was enjoying a pleasant summer day eating chicken wings and nachos, when Triplecrown burst into the bar, yelling obscenities and accosting all of the staff. All of the eyewitnesses report that Triplecrown appeared to be highly intoxicated.

A drunken Steve Triplecrown menaces Steamboat Springs and demands more free drinks, lodging and meals.

"You people need to kiss my ass and do what I say!" yelled Triplecrown. "Do you hear me? I'm Triplecrown, dammit, so get on your knees and lick my nuts! You Steamboat jagoffs need me!"

Town and some other peaceful patrons tried to calm Triplecrown. According to affadavits, they even promised to buy Triplecrown a drink if he would stop making threats. Triplecrown then became further incensed.

"Buy me a drink?" asked Triplecrown. "You need to buy more than that! You need to buy my lodging, buy my meals! And I want you to promise to do it for years and years!!! If you don't ... I'm gonna leave!!! I'm not kidding! I'll leave!!! I'll take my business elsewhere! Me and this wallet with $14.38 are gonna walk on outta here! Don't think I won't!!!"

The situation escalated to a full-scale hostage situation when Town offered to buy Triplecrown a drink for two years, but wouldn't commit to anything beyond that.

"I was just trying to get the guy to shut up," said Town. "So I pretended that I'd buy him whatever he wanted, but only for the next two years. Then I said we'd just have to wait and see beyond that. I was just messing with him. I guess I shouldn't have even tried to negotiate with that dickhead, because that's when he pulled out the aluminum baseball bat and held it to my throat. I can still smell his awful stench of sweat, body odor and Pabst Blue Ribbon."

As further noted in the police report, Triplecrown then demanded that Town give him whatever he wanted, which included exclusive rental properties that had to pay a fee just to have the privilege of Triplecrown staying there.

"I didn't know what the hell that even meant, but at this point, I just wanted him to put away his baseball bat and take his stench elsewhere," added Town. "So I told him that we'd do that, but that he needed to drive over to Hayden to check out the baseball fields there. I said they were 'awesome' and that people like Triplecrown would be really welcome there."

Apparently, Triplecrown was excited about the idea of being welcomed in Hayden, so he let go of his painful grip on Town and took his baseball bat out of the Slap House. Upon exiting the establishment, Triplecrown was tased and severely beaten by the local police, who were monitoring the hostage situation from afar.

"Then everyone in the bar came outside to watch and cheer on the beat down," added Town. "And when he was finally taken away in the squad car, I said 'Goodbye, Triplecrown! Don't ever come back! This Town doesn't ever want to see you again!!!'"