VP Candidate Palin Shoots Michael David

Written by Moose Underestimated Tuesday, 11 November 2008

According to Steamboat performer Michael David (pictured), Governor Sarah Palin shot him while he was performing his "Moose on the Loose" interpretive dance.

"Kelly Anzalone and I were hired to entertain at this GOP fundraiser," said Michael David from his hospital bed, where he was recovering from a rifle shot to the buttocks. "I'm not political, but it was the GOP, so they threw a bunch of money at us, and I'm in no position to turn that down.

"So there we were, up onstage performing one of our skits from Cabaret, 'Moose on the Loose,' and then BAM! I hear this loud noise. And then I realize that all these people are staring at me as I'm lying on the ground, looking really scared. And then the pain hits me. Wow! Talk about a pain in the ass."

According to the performers, during the skit, in which Anzalone plays guitar and sings a song about recent moose sightings in Steamboat Springs, and Michael David performs an interpretive dance number in which he mimics a moose, Governor Palin mistook Michael David for a real moose.

"You see," said Palin. "Where I'm from, if you see a moose, you shoot it. I'm from Alaska, you know. And I'll be darned if I didn't see a moose right there onstage, staring at me with its menacing eyes. It's head, rearing up ...

"So I took out my hunting rifle, which I carry with me at all times, you know. And I took that sucker down. Imagine my surprise when I ran after it to field dress it--I can field dress a moose, you know--and everyone starts calling for an ambulance. I guess the moose ran away, and the bullet accidentally hit one of the performers. We call that 'accidental fire' in Alaska. It happens all the time while hunting. No biggie."

Michael David, however, questioned Palin's account of the events.

"She's crazy," he noted. "I'm pretty sure I'd notice if there was a real moose onstage, while I happened to be imitating a moose by putting my hands on my head, you know, with the thumb in and the fingers out like you do when you're five. I had no sooner put on my 'antlers' when I hear a female voice yell 'moose!' and then the shot rings out. And then I'm on the ground, bleeding out of my ass."

"Well, that's just silly," disputed Palin and her handlers. "I'd never confuse a human being for a moose. That would be really, really dumb. Very Un-Sarah Palin-like. There was a moose on that stage, I'm sure. You betcha."

Unfortunately for Michael David, the incident became a matter of he said/more-important she said, and he wasn't allowed to press charges. It appears that as soon as the police arrived to investigate the matter, as many as 50 witnesses, all of them members of Palin's entourage or there for the GOP fundraiser, signed sworn affidavits that a moose, indeed, had appeared on the stage and was rabidly threatening the guests. They declared Palin a heroine for taking such decisive action and scaring away the ferocious animal. They also said they felt sorry for the man accidentally injured.

"What a crock!" screamed Michael David as he grabbed his flaming buttocks. "She shoots me, and they refuse to pay for my medical bills. They didn't even pay Kelly and me for the show, saying that we failed to deliver as promised--yeah, maybe that's because your girl shot me in the ass!!!

"And I didn't even get to find out what 'field dressed' meant. That could be hot. She's married and middle-aged--that's right in my wheelhouse," he added.