City Council Votes to Ban Pizza Dispensaries

Written by Pepper Roni Monday, 23 May 2011

To combat what City Council called an "unexpected" amount of Steamboat Springs' citizens using pizza to combat chronic stomach pain, the council voted 4-3 to ban pizza dispensaries within town limits. Council members voting for the ban cited increased cases of lactose intolerance and sausage farts, which they felt did more harm than good in the community.Citing the dangers of accessible pizza to the citizens of Steamboat Springs, City Council enacted a permanent ban on pizza dispensaries. However, individuals with a legal license to consume pizza can still bake the circular food in their own homes.

 "No one on this council ever anticipated that we'd have so many dispensaries selling pizza in Steamboat," said City Council President Pro-Tem Quinnagin Beginnagin. "It's gone too far. There's a pizza dispensary on every block. Do we really need this much pizza in Steamboat Springs? It's not very healthy, you know. Have you seen what it does to a colon? Well ... neither have I, but I bet it's not good."

 Those members voting against the ban noted that pizza is legal in Colorado, whether people like it or not, and several owners of pizza dispensaries provide jobs and sales-tax revenue.

 "I just don't see how we can discriminate against pizza dispensaries," said Council President Ex-Tem Scari Helmetheadski. "Sure, it can make you a little gassy, and too much can induce food coma, but what's next? Should we ban taco dispensaries because they give people the runs? Or coffee dispensaries because they make some people terribly annoying? It's a slippery slope."

The final vote caused an uproar among the pro-pizza citizens attending the meeting, who spoke vehemently about how they need pizza to combat the intense pain they sometimes feel in their stomach area.

"If I don't eat pizza every day," testified John Papa, "I get this rumbling pain right around here," he added, pointing to his abdomen. "It happens about three times a day, starting right when I wake up, and the only thing that seems to make it go away is pizza. It's saved my life ... What the hell am I supposed to do now!!!"

"I feel your pain," countered Beginnagin, "but there are other, safer alternatives to pizza treatment for stomach problems. We need to be better examples for the children of this community. You could try eating tofu, or a nice salad with a balsamic vinaigrette. Or have you considered steamed vegetables?"

But the pro-pizza crowd was unconvinced.

"That crap doesn't work!" shouted Papa. "You've taken away the one thing that makes my miserable life slightly bearable. I hope you're happy!"

"And what am I supposed to do?" added Redd Saus, the owner of Sobe Creek, one of Steamboat's now-banned pizza dispensaries. "I obtained a legal license to sell pizza in this town. I put my life's savings into pepperoni and mozzarella. People with chronic stomach pains were happily ordering my product. And now I'm screwed. I, too, hope you're happy ..."