Mega Lighted Man Terrorizes Fourth of July Parade

Written by Pat Turnedlites Thursday, 07 July 2011

Distraught and jealous that Steamboat Springs would try to have a parade and fireworks celebration without him, the iconic Lighted Man used his battery-infused superpowers to become Mega Lighted Man and destroy this year's 4th of July parade.

Mega Lighted Man left a path of smoke and destruction in his wake, similar to his normal winter festival routine, but on a much larger and warmer scale."So you think you can have a fireworks celebration without me?" bellowed the 90-foot-tall Mega Lighted Man before he launched Stinger missiles from his head and into several of the "slightly different than normal cars" that make up a majority of the annual Fourth of July parade. "Winter Carnival is way more awesome, you fools!" he added as he slowly traversed from left to right along Lincoln Avenue.

Children from a variety of afterschool activities and summer camps were sent scattering as Mega Lighted Man laughed maniacally and lashed his flashing-light ski poles into several unsold and vacant condominiums at Holwingsen Place, injuring no one.

However, several fatalities were a result of the unexpected onslaught from the giant-sized version of the Winter Carnival icon. The town's entire rugby team was lost, as the lads valiantly attempted to tackle and throw giant eggs at the much-larger and less-drunk wreaker of Roman-Candle destruction. Also killed in the melee were a camel and what appeared to be an oversized, overheated monkey.

Fortunately, complete disaster was averted when several of Mega Lighted Man's backpack missiles failed to fire, and many of his fireworks explosions were quickly snuffed out by roving packs of 12-year-old boys with massive squirt guns. Upon seeing that his wave of destruction was also being underappreciated by Steamboat locals, Mega Lighted Man headed up the Howlingsen Hill poma lift, vowing to come back down and do this again "in about an hour or so."A jilted Mega Lighted Man flew into the parade on a mechanized dragon, which flapped its blinking wings in a very slow and deliberate manner.

Also ruined by the startling events was a new city record for "Longest Parade with Nothing Particularly Interesting In It," which appeared to be a lock until the Slim Whitman School showed up and danced with its patented blend of youthful flamboyance. The previous record will stand at 1 hour and 17 minutes, set in 2010.

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