City Council Passes Proposal to Add Mild Poison to Plastic Grocery Bags

Written by Chuck Upp Wednesday, 14 September 2011

At last night's meeting, Steamboat Springs City Council listened to a presentation from Lace R. Synic, a spokesperson for Yampa Valley Really Better Recycle or Else, who detailed the organization's latest proposal to curb the use of disposable plastic bags.A new proposal from Yampa Valley Really Better Recycle or Else was passed by City Council last night, forcing grocery stores to add mild poisons to their plastic bags to discourage their use.

"Although other Colorado mountain communities are doing some great things with plastic bag fees and bans, including the destitute, struggling towns of Aspen and Telluride, we felt that wasn't doing enough to control the insidious use of plastic bags, which are inefficient to create, cause environmental catastrophes such as flooding and tsunamis, and are known to give small children a really nasty case of hives," said Synic. "The next logical step is to coat the plastic bags with poison--a mild poison, I must add--nothing remotely fatal. Just something that will cause a debilitating case of diarrhea or a few hours of vomiting. A few instances of that, and we believe most people will remember to bring their reusable bags to the store."

Both of the council's resident skis, President Scari Helmetheadski and Kart Beforehorsesky, questioned the merit of the proposal, wondering if perhaps intentionally poisoning consumers might lead to liability issues down the line.

"I didn't think we could do that?" asked Beforehorsesky. "But if we can, can we make sure those Triple Crowners get some?"

Other council members wondered why a simple bag fee wasn't sufficient.

"Bag fees discriminate against the poor," noted Synic. "Rich people can pay the extra 20 cents a bag without a single thought. They'll just charge the extra plastic on their plastic. But for poor people, that could be the difference between eating ham ... or eating Spam.

"However," continued Synic, "everyone, rich and poor, really hates a raging case of the runs. And that's just the type of disincentive we need to keep plastic bags off of our beautiful streets."

Unable the refute such logic, City Council voted 5-2 in favor of the measure, pending legal review by the council's inhouse lawyer, some guy off the street who claimed to watch 2-3 episodes of Law & Order each week. Council also requested several weeks to review a study from Lace R. Synic on which types of poisons are mild enough to not kill people, but strong enough to really make them think twice about using plastic bags.

Although most in attendance at the meeting applauded the measure, a group of grocery store baggers was united in their opposition.

"What am I supposed to do?" asked John Smith, a Pity Market bagger from Senegal. "Do I just barf all over the customers all day, sick with bag poison?"

Synic was prepared for this response from the bagger community, noting that under the plan, Yampa Valley Really Better Recycle or Else would provide disposable plastic gloves for all bag handlers.

"Wait a second," countered Smith. "You're going to reduce disposable plastic use by using more disposable plastic?"

"Yes," answered Synic.

"This country is really going down the toilet," added Smith. "I can't wait for my work visa to expire."