Steamboat Doughnut Shop, Locals' Butts, Rapidly Expanding

Written by Sal U. Loce Friday, 21 October 2011

After opening an overly successful doughnut shop in downtown Steamboat Springs, owners of Milky Fun Doughnut Café have announced they are expanding and opening up 13 new shops throughout town and the surrounding valley. In possibly related news, Steamboat nutritionists released a study indicating that locals' hind quarters have increased their fat capacity by 24 percent.Steamboat Springs' residents have heartily taken to Milky Fun doughnuts, providing a small boost to the local economy and a large boost to the size of their posteriors.

"We can't believe the success we've been blessed with," said Sugar Snax, owner of Milky Fun. "We thought there was a missed market here in Steamboat, but with all the health-food nuts, we thought there might be some resistance to fat-fried dough injected with chocolate and soaked in powdery confection. We couldn't have been happier to be wrong! It turns out there are plenty of people in Steamboat who couldn't care less about their fat intake. How great is that?"

New doughnut shop locations include two in the Steamboat Grand Debt Star, two more in Gondola Square, four more downtown, one to open up in Milner (conveniently located next to Mahalo's Medical Marijuana Dispensary) and several in the more exercise-challenged towns of Oak Creek and Phippsburg.

"Our new 'doughnut hole' is going to be a godsend for Phippsburg," noted resident Greta Bigkeister. "I've been waiting on my couch for a long time for this, and now that it's going to be a reality, I couldn't be more excited. I nearly jumped for joy, if I could jump, that is."

The new Milky Fun locations are expected to maintain the same hours as the original store, opening at 5:30 a.m. and closing when doughnuts run out at 5:45 a.m. Milky Fun owners also plan on making the same amount of doughnuts at each store: 14.

"We found that 14 doughnuts each day is the perfect amount," noted Snax. "That makes them more of a 'hot commodity,' so all the people who we turn away doughnutless come back even earlier the next day. Always leave them wanting more, right?"

But according to Dyna Onfiber, Steamboat's resident nutritionist, the tasty breakfast treats have had a negative impact on local residents' health, particularly on their buttocks regions.

"Our Buttometer measurements have been off the charts since these doughnut shops started opening," added Onfiber. "The average increase in buttock cellulose has been 24 percent, with some individuals seeing their rear ends more than double in size.

"I measured one man, a regular doughnut customer, who had so much junk in his trunk that I nearly threw up trying to get my measuring tongs around his giant arse," she added. "It was like a giant garbage bag of squishy cottage cheese. They don't pay me enough for this job anymore."