ASSHAT Sting Nabs Guy Who Knows a Guy Who Probably Has Some Pot to Sell

Written by Major Lee Overzealous Monday, 12 December 2011

An undercover "sting" operation set up by the All Steamboat Springs Hillbilly Attitude Taskforce (ASSHAT), a loosely united and even more loosely led band of law-enforcement personnel hoping to remove any non-pharmaceutical drugs from Routt County, apprehended a 23-year-old male on Tuesday. The suspect, whose name is being released as Mark Burner even though it legally probably shouldn't be, is charged with knowing a guy who likely has some marijuana he would probably sell.A friend of Mark Burner (right), who was arrested by this undercover ASSHAT for knowing a guy who may have some weed somewhere, took this photo of the ASSHAT "sting" operation.

During an emergency preliminary hearing requested by ASSHAT in the middle of the night in order to have Mr. Burner locked up and "removed from the streets before he lawyers up, goes free and then kills innocent children," the defendant pleaded not guilty in front of a visibly upset-to-be-woken Judge Mike O'Hunt. Burner stated that he committed no crime, the sting was so poorly executed that it was beyond ridiculous, and he was just messing with the badly disguised officer.

To refute Burner's testimony, Sheriff and Lead ASSHAT Starrett Bigguns released an audio transcription from the recorded sting operation, which he said provided iron-clad proof of Burner's guilt.

TRANSCRIPTION BEGINS

ASSHAT: Hey, holmes! Whatchou doin'?

Burner: Ummm ... Are you talking to me?

ASSHAT: Of course, man, I'm talkin' to you. You just looked cool, you know what I mean, homie? You cool, right?

Burner: Sure. I'm cool. But why are you talking like Cheech? You're clearly not Hispanic, and that mustache of yours is starting to fall off.

ASSHAT: Oh, that's just from the medication I'm on, holmes. Makes my mustachio fall out if I take too much. Crazy, huh?

Burner: Yeah, you're real crazy. Why are you holding your cell phone up in front of my mouth?

ASSHAT: Oh, I'm just trying to take a picture of the mountains behind you, holmes. They're so byoo-ti-ful. But it's not working right, so I'm just gonna hold it by your mouth until it starts taking pictures, OK, homie?

Burner: Yeah, sure. And for fun, I'll just talk right into it for you.

ASSHAT: That'd be sooo cool of you, man. Just for fun, right?

Burner: Right. So what can I do for you officer--I mean, cool Hispanic-sounding fun guy?

ASSHAT: Yeah, man. I'm just looking to score some of that loco weed. You know, mar-i-ja-wahna. You got some you can sell me?

Burner: Drats! I forgot my big backpack full of pot today. What was I thinking? I'm afraid I can't help you out, sir.

ASSHAT: Aw, don't call me sir, dude. I'm just a cool cat like you trying to score some Mary Jane. You sure you can't help a junkie like me out?

Burner: No, I'm afraid I'm all out of the weed today. But I do know somebody who might. You see that homeless guy who just walked into the library? I'm pretty sure he has some pot to sell you. That's how he can afford that big nothing that he has.

ASSHAT: So you're saying you know someone who has some marijuana?

Burner: Sure ... I'll say it: I know someone who has some marijuana, but I'm pretty sure that's not a crime here -

ASSHAT: Der Fuhrer, this is Puff Daddy! It's a GO! I repeat, Operation Bust Stoney is a GO!!!

Burner: Bust Stoney? Did you just call someone Der Fuhrer? What the hell--

Various ASSHATS: Freeze burnout! We've got you now! And don't even try to ditch your stash. We've got you surrounded with 15 ASSHATS!

END OF TRANSCRIPTION

Upon reading the transcript, Judge O'Hunt threw out the case and, for the fifth time this year, threatened to arrest every ASSHAT if they got him out of bed for another bogus drug bust like this.

"You can't stop us from doing what we do," countered Bigguns. "I'm an ASSHAT! And all of my crew are certified ASSHATs! You'll never be able to take that away from us!"